I had previously posted about feeling isolated and depressed at college. While I’m very happy with the academics and professors and my grades are good, socially things are terrible for me. People who I thought were my friends ended up being two-faced and hurting me. I feel like such an idiot for letting myself stay in this situation and wish I could go back in time and transfer out. I hate how everybody says “college is where you’ll find like-minded people and friends for life” because that is such big fat a lie!!! I have social anxiety because I was bullied really badly when I was younger so I have trust issues. I recently started therapy again but am still feeling really down. I tried to befriend this one girl who lived in my same dorm last year and whenever I’d say hi to her she’d give me eye contact but not say anything back and once when I held the door open for her she gave me a dirty look, and opened the other door without even saying thank you. I just thought that was so rude. Whenever I say hi to people I know they look at me like I have three heads. I’ve literally tried everything to make friends and have joined clubs but even those environments are super cliquey. I would do anything to just have one good friend but I have nobody and all my real friends are too far away. Sorry for the rant. I go to Bard College btw.
You need to NOT personalize the awkward (and likely rude) behaviors of others. They may be MORE socially ill-equipped or unhappy than you. Have you assessed your “friendship quotient?” Do you smile; have good hygiene; look folks in eyes; seem confident; have good posture/presence? Is your hair (head and facial) combed/clean? Are you quick to laugh, help, offer, assist, engage? Are you a reasonable conversationalist? Do u have a good internal filter? What of your image/presence/outward manifestation can you improve/tweak? Are you humble, self-deprecating, polite? College-age males can come across as serious buttheads. Are you nice? Considerate? Do you come across as a positive or negative energy sphere?
You are likely over-personalizing their “3-headed looks.” Bet they cannot even recall the interaction. And if they DID diss you; ignore those who ignore/reject you. Those are the junk fish you’d throw back anyway. Engage in sports (Frisbee, softball, kickball, hiking/biking, intramurals, etc.) Join various clubs (book, hobby, academic, etc.) You ARE gonna find someone who is worthy of your acquaintance and presence, and let the friendship and common interest bloom from there. Join a community service org that ONLY attracts selfless, compassionate folks who have low ego and big hearts! How many introverts are feeling the same as you, and being a Debbie-Downer? BE that positive energy, and folks will WANT to associate w/ you. Stop allowing THEIR negative energy to degrade your positive! Ignore/forget/don’t spend your emotional energy on no return! Be at peace w/ yourself, and folks will find comfort (and no threat, no discomfort, no anxiety, etc.) in you. Good luck! TAKE action to fix this!
I make sure to have good hygiene, smile, and be approachable but people still seem to reject me before they even get to know me.
Have you ever been evaluated to see if you have an autism spectrum disorder? If not perhaps have that evaluated. If you do have ASD, the good news is you have managed to thrive in academics and other areas – not all people are so lucky. There are various supports and clubs for people with ASD that may be able to help you.
btw: making “typical” eye contact is particularly hard. It is a skill that cannot always be cultivated. It is better to do what makes you comfortable in terms of eye contact, then to try to fake it.
@psycholing I have been evaluated and I do not have any autism spectrum disorder. I always make eye contact and try my best to engage with others even if they do not to the same to me. I am sick of people being nasty and unfriendly and not giving me the time of day. They probably see a foreign name and lose all interest in getting to know me. By the way, I’m a little insulted that you would accuse me of being autistic or not making eye contact.
I have been able to make friends in the past. My cousin says that at her school there is something called the “BC lookaway” where people deliberately avoid eye contact with one another.
My D has had social issues in college similar to what you describe. I see her as articulate and friendly, but for whatever reason it doesn’t seem to resonate with her peers in away that attracts others. She perceives others as not being inclusive.
For her, working off campus, retail part-time jobs allowed her to engage with others. This provided her with some interaction with work colleagues and customers.
@paoluchsinger I suggested that you investigate autism because you said, “I make sure to have good hygiene, smile, and be approachable but people still seem to reject me before they even get to know me.” If people are rejecting you before they get to know you, there is a reason. You seemed in your initial post to be hypothesizing that the reason is that they are bad people. More likely, they are ordinary people and something you are doing is in some manner putting them off. You can acknowledge and try to rectify whatever it is that is putting people off, or you can blame others and live as you have been. Your choice. Blaming other people will not change them, and it will not fix your problem.
Furthermore, having autism is not an accusation. In my mind there is nothing “wrong” with having autism, it is simply another way of being, just as there is nothing wrong with being gay or of a different religion from me or from a different part of the world then I am. If you see it as an insult, that is your own preconception.
Since you state above that you were evaluated for autism, it seems that is also something you suspected about yourself. So I just need to say that to be evaluated for autism as an adult, you would need a real specialist. Historically ASD was seen as a childhood disorder, and there were few who were qualified to assess it in adulthood. But if it is truly ruled out, you could still seek social skills assistance in order to ascertain what about your approach may be making others ill at ease. It is unlikely to be that you have “a foreign name”, since over 17% of Bard’s 2017 class is international.
You sound like a smart person. If you want to, you can change and find a way to fit in more. But you do have to want to change to accomplish this.
This was a person from the boondocks who judged me for my “foreign name”.
@psycholing I’m just afraid of compromising who I am just to attract superficial friendships rather than finding people who will like me the way I am. It’s so frustrating because I really have tried everything to make friends and reach out to others but nothing has worked. Maybe I just haven’t found the right people yet.
@paoluchsinger When I was your age I was probably much like you. I am now past 50 and am still rather introverted. I tend to avoid parties unless I know most of the people. Trust me that I am not being judgy here. But there are a few things I have learned with age (and a doctorate in psychology). One of those is that sometimes just going through the motions and hanging out, making small talk with others,even thought it feels silly and superficial, can lead to an elevation in mood. Back when I was in college I also read up on positive psychology – such as espoused by Marty Seligman, and I found that those techniques useful. These days we have Mindfulness and Acceptance therapy, which may be better yet. If you don’t find a counselor you like, you can read about these methodologies yourself and try to self apply. And then maybe just for kicks, go out and pretend to have fun, even if it feels odd. While doing this, just turn off any anger – towards yourself or others. As soon as you feel an angry thought, move past it. Just be in the moment. Don’t worry about making friends or having an agenda – just be in the moment and in that moment try to have fun.
I have also found it very useful to be the “go to” person for others. Then, they need to come to me for help, and sometimes, I suppose in gratitude, they come to me for friendship. Perhaps you can find a role where you are helping others. Take a position as an RA, peer coach or tutor, or volunteer at a local high school, or anything else that suits your interests and strengths. If nothing else, helping others will allow you to feel less isolated, and of course it will pad your resume!
I am sorry the boondocks person judged your foreign name. But then, a few months ago I had someone ask me if my tribe still burnt animals at ritual sacrifices. They were concerned the sacrifices would ruin an apartment they were renting to some “jews”. We live in a major city in the NE – not the boondocks. Seriously, you just gotta laugh at these things.
Why not shelf the idea of finding friends for a short while? People can be difficult so first focus on yourself. Health is wealth so first make sure you are physically and mentally in top shape by getting appointments with a physician and a counselor. Do try to eat healthier and go for walk, jog, gym, swim whatever you prefer. Get blood circulating and every cell oxygenated. Try to make a schedule even on days you don’t have classes, it just gives one something to look forward to and feel responsible for.
In meanwhile do stay positive and nice to people without trying to get out of way to appear nice. It always help to look and dress a little nicer, again not trying hard to look like Miss USA but just up one notch above your usual routine. It also adds a flair of self confidence. If you get a chance, may be start volunteering at some place you can hrlp others, with no intention to befriend folks but just to be a nice and productive citizen. Sometimes, we focus too much on ourselves that we forget every human is struggling at some front, even ones who appear to have perfect lives.
I’m positive, things will fall in place in time and you’ll find people you’ll enjoy, instead of having to make obligatory small talk with people because humans are supposed to have friends or be popular. Just relax, let it happen normally, don’t force it. You sound like an interesting and thoughtful person, always be yourself, just one notch good (not just nice, nice is for others, being good to others is for your own self to feel good). You are so lucky to be young, to attend Bard and to live in NY, let that sink and enjoy warm weather. Go to arboretum or beach or zoo, just by yourself, without worrying about others. We have FOX and CNN to worry about everyone, you have fresh flowers to smell.
Lots of good advice here that I can also share with my D. She also expresses the idea of being authentic and not compromising herself to please others, yet finds herself lonely and lacking friends.
You may benefit from reading a book “Awkward” by Ty Tashiro. I’m not assuming that you’re “awkward” but it has some decent advice for building relationships.
A few thoughts: first, somebody likes you. You’ve had friends in the past.
Second, no one is looking at you strangely when you try to be friendly or say hello. That is what you have come to believe because things haven’t been working out as you hoped.
Have you tried getting a campus job? What about volunteering? What about checking out the campus chapel and groups associated with it? All of those opportunities are likely to lead to non-judgmental interactions between you and others like you. Working on campus is often a great way to meet people.
I remember your other post, and I think some of these suggestions were mentioned. If you are happy with everything except the social aspect, I suggest you find volunteering opportunities as soon as you get back to campus next year. Meanwhile, is it too late to find out if you can volunteer with the next batch of incoming freshmen? That might give you something to focus on, instead of worrying about your situation. I suspect you are too centered on that, which isn’t helping things.
If none of this appeals, consider transferring.
Lots of good advice here. As someone who also deals with social anxiety, keep in mind that making an effort to change your habits does not necessarily compromise who you are as a person, but rather makes you the best version of yourself that you can be. Good luck.
@fishsticks4 It’s not about changing my habits though because that it something I can change. It’s about changing my principles or interests just so people will accept me. I strongly belive that with friendships it should be quality over quantity and I’m the type of person that would take a handful of genuine friends over 20 acquaintances any day. What’s frustrating is how people in my college are so cliquey and deliberately unfriendly.
@psycholing Oh my god I’m so sorry to hear that you went through that. And what’s worse is that my mother who is the opposite of me in that she is very extroverted and likes to have company even if a lot of these people are really more acquaintances than actual friends, and she has tried to force friendships on me just because these people are nearby. Like the boondocks person lived in the dorm next to me freshman year and my mom liked her just because of that and said we had things in common like “you’re both girls”, “you’re both American”. SMH, that isn’t enough to cultivate a genuine friendship. This person and I had nothing in common and just didn’t click so I’m aware that just because someone seems nice or it seems like the perfect friendship doesn’t mean that it’s true.
Think about the people you’ve known in the past you’ve been attracted to. I’ve found that a lot of the time, it’s people who genuinely LISTEN to you and ask questions about yourself. I’m an introvert, but I try to remember that when I go to parties. I try to let the other person talk and then ask follow-up questions. Besides being a good way to keep the conversation going, you can determine pretty quickly if the person is someone you would like to get to know better.
Friends are made over time. It takes time and compassion.
My real name is very cultural and I realized that people needed to get used to hearing it. It’s not their fault they don’t know how to react to a strange name and pronounce it correctly.
They weren’t being mean, they were genuinely curious and didn’t want to insult me by pronouncing it incorrectly.
It’s really all about how you perceive the world. If I were to take every look with derision, then I would probably have no friends.
If you are suspicious of every look and gesture, I have to question how you have the ability to read the thoughts of others?
I know that people have come up to me and apologized when I reacted to what I call their “sour” looks. People have explained that they had a lot on their minds when walking to class, to the dorm, to meals. Maybe they had an argument with a professor? sibling? parent?
Thinking that the world revolves around you also makes me question if you have some traits of Autism. If you’ve developed a reputation of not being accessible, then the “looks” make sense.
It’s not a bad thing to have some traits of autism; you just need to know how to deal with it.
Right now, get a volunteer position. Smile, it will help.