Grad school and my parents

Parents Forum
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<p>I'm a senior this year, applying/planning to apply (or so I thought) to PhD programs. I've worked very hard through out my undergrad career (yes, I know this entitles me to... nothing) to prepare myself to be an excellent applicant--I've published, had posters/presentations at national conferences, gotten applied experience (my field is one of the few were a PhD equals applied work as well as research), gotten teaching experience, and so on. I'm still not counting on a particular lot from the process, however, as the programs in my field are universally very competitive. As a result, I'm applying to a lot of schools, though they are all hand-picked for specific faculty who I would love to work with and who do the work I want to do. </p>

<p>All programs (except one) that I'm applying to require face-to-face interviews (if you make the first "cut," that is) that are pre-scheduled (i.e., "Congrats, you got an interview! Be here on [date].") and are usually held in eight week or so window between February and March, meaning that an applicant can go to <em>maybe</em> 9 interviews tops, if they're lucky (people usually apply to 15 programs and get 3-5 interview invites and 0-2 offers). Cherry-picking interview invites in this field is... really not advised, nor are phone interviews advised or usually offered.</p>

<p>When I brought up the subject to my parents over TG break, they absolutely balked at the idea of me going on interviews, both because of cost and because it is difficult for me, due to a physical chronic health condition, to fly alone, adding to the inconvenience/potential travel expense). It doesn't help matters that they've decided that they only really want me to go to one program (which is a good fit for me and to which I've applied), even though I've explained to them that the nature of field is such that doing that is pretty much "application suicide."</p>

<p>I feel like my parents are pulling their support (emotional and tangible) from me at the last minute, and I'm feeling pretty burned. I'm paying for my final year of undergrad, took a major scholarship that moved my yearly undergrad costs into the 4-digit range, and am paying my own application expenses. </p>

<p>I'm VERY grateful for their support during undergrad and everything before that. I don't want to inconvenience them with interview travel, but at the same time, I really want to go to grad school, and I've poured my heart and soul into my work. </p>

<p>There is the option of going for master's degree, applying to only local programs and programs that don't interview, and I'm contemplating that, but I'm a pretty intense researcher and am drawn to a doctorate for those reasons, even though I wish to practice as well. Also, these masters programs would not be funded, whereas a PhD probably would.</p>

<p>I guess I just don't know what to do. I can't really get my heart into applying to just master's programs, but I don't want to inconveince my parents or cause issues. There are other routes I could take (get a master's, practice for a few years and go for a PhD), but I feel like I should give the PhD thing a full-fledged shot at least. </p>

<p>I just wish I could count on their support more, both when applying and if I do, by some miracle, get in. I feel like it's pretty unpredictable.</p>

<p>(And, yes, I realize very well that I could potentially not get any interview invites, and I sincerely hope this dilemma is not all for naught!).</p>

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<p>This is not a practice I’e heard of before. Are you supposed to be paying for all the airfares, accommodations, meals, etc…? Not to mention that you have another semester to go and in February, you are expected to be in class, not gadding about all over the country.
Anyway, if you are invited for an interview, ask about cost. It seems totally unreasonable to expect students to pay up to $500-600 to be interviewed, depending on the cost of airfare.</p>

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<p>In my field, everyone is expected to pay their own way for interviews. Also, I planned out my schedule so that I won’t have any actual class during the semester (only work/senior internship), but yeah, it’s all standard practice.</p>

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<p>I’m not really sure what it is you are asking from your parents. If they don’t want to pay, then you’ll need to find another way to get the money. It is fairly common for people to pay/take loans for their own post graduate work. Many parents that would pay for undergraduate studies draw the line after that. </p>

<p>As far as travel, even if you are in a wheelchair, it is possible to negotiate travel fairly well. Contact the airlines and see what kind of services they offer. I have seen people being dropped off in wheelchairs by taxicabs, and wheeled across the airport by airline personnel. If it seems completely impossible to work it, do you have a friend who might be willing to assist you? I would have to be completely paralyzed to not consider traveling on my own (and if you are, that would be hard). Even if you cannot speak, you seem able to write quite ably.</p>

<p>I wish you luck, and certainly if you were my child I would do whatever it took to help you…but it’s impossible to analyze another parent’s situation. You’ll just have to figure out a way to do it without asking for a single thing from your parents, and you sound motivated-I bet you find a way to do it!</p>

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<p>Oh, I don’t expect financial support from my parents, per se, just general “we support what you’re doing” support. I guess the travel issue is three-fold in that: a) my parents are convinced I can’t travel alone, so they won’t let me do it, b) my school is out in the boondocks and the airport is very limited and far-ish away to boot, and c) few hotels offer handicapped accessible showers, in my experience traveling. Furthermore, no hotels offer handicapped accessible room doors (which seems stupid, but it’s honestly an issue if I can’t get in or out of a room!).</p>

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<p>How can your parents prevent you from getting on a plane?</p>

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<p>^
They can’t, but if I don’t have a room that I can get and out of, yeah…</p>

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<p>Well, it seems like your parents are just concerned for your well-being (considering you have a legitimate health issue) and that they don’t really understand how this process works (or they understand but they think it’s dumb, which is basically the same thing). </p>

<p>The simple answer is you just have to do it anyway. These days anyone would be lucky if you get invited to even one grad interview (I’m assuming you’re in some kind of science program like molecular bio or something like that), but if you’re as good a student as you say you will likely be invited to several. You have to go to the interview or you can’t get into the program, so you’re just going to have to find a way to deal. Make sure you explain to the airline when you book your ticket what kind of extra assistance you need so they can help you out, and call around to different hotels until you find one with handicap accessibility (there must be one or a few). I’m sure you’ve conquered lots of obstacles just in living with a medical condition that requires special assistance (many campuses are not as handicap accessible as they seem to those that don’t use handicap entrances/facilities regularly) so this seems like a pretty minor problem. </p>

<p>Yes, it would be nice if your parents threw their full support behind you from the start, but who knows, grad interviews are still a ways off, they have time to get used to the idea. And if they don’t love the thought of you travelling around alone, well, it’s only for a few weeks, and then once you’re in a Phd program, they probably will be happy for you and won’t really care about the rest.</p>

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<p>“a) my parents are convinced I can’t travel alone, so they won’t let me do it, b) my school is out in the boondocks and the airport is very limited and far-ish away to boot, and c) few hotels offer handicapped accessible showers, in my experience traveling. Furthermore, no hotels offer handicapped accessible room doors (which seems stupid, but it’s honestly an issue if I can’t get in or out of a room!).”</p>

<p>I suggest that since you are an adult, they can’t control your travel anymore. You’ll need to get someone to drive you to the airport, or take a taxi. There are handicapped taxis in some places with huge discounts for handicapped (at least in my town). Larger and better hotels will definitely have handicapped accessible rooms and showers. And as far as the room doors go, if I had to (and was able) to crawl, I would do it. Whatever it takes!!!</p>

<p>Ideally, though, any chance you have a friend willing to travel with you? That would certainly make it easier. And Smithie may be correct, maybe as time grows closer and they hear about your interview and arrangements–and see how much you want it, maybe they will change their minds.</p>

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<p>"“a) my parents are convinced I can’t travel alone, so they won’t let me do it, b) my school is out in the boondocks and the airport is very limited and far-ish away to boot, and c) few hotels offer handicapped accessible showers, in my experience traveling. Furthermore, no hotels offer handicapped accessible room doors (which seems stupid, but it’s honestly an issue if I can’t get in or out of a room!).”</p>

<p>You are going to have to do a lot of research to find transportation and a handicap accessible hotel. However, this is what you are going to need to do anyway in order to navigate the world as an adult. </p>

<p>I have disabled friends, and know that they have to do extra work in order to go on trips. However, my disabled friends – including some in wheelchairs – have done a lot of traveling, including for business, so I know it can be done.</p>

<p>Your parents are trying to be helpful to you, but they probably are being too smothering. You are an adult and will need to figure out how to live your life even if your parents don’t give full support. This is something everyone – whether or not they are disabled – has to learn how to do. No matter how loving parents are, there typically comes a point in which their lovingly given advice doesn’t fit.</p>

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<p>I will admit up front that I have absolutely no idea how grad school interviews work, so I may be off base here. But is there any chance at all that some of these schools might agree to a video interview via Skype? Maybe if you spoke with them first and explained your circumstances, they would be amenable to something like that.</p>

<p>Wishing you luck :)</p>

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<p>I know you didn’t mean it this way, but your post really offended me. I am not “smothered” by my parents; in fact, I am incredibly independent and have successfully navigated college life and internships independently without any assistance. I am very good at advocating for myself and navigating new environments, finding accessible housing, etc. My parents have not navigated college or even high school for me, and they (and I) would be appalled by any suggestion that they did. I have (non-disabled) friends whose parents have sought out internships and planned course schedules for their kids, and my parents have never done anything like that. </p>

<p>It’s just traveling that’s an issue–most people in wheelchairs can open standard hotel room doors. Due to the nature of the AT I use, I can’t. </p>

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<p>I hope so! :)</p>

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<p>It sounds like this is not really about your parents pers, but about the challenges of travelling with a disability such as yours. That is what makes it confusing for posters. Their lack of tangible support for this can be overcome with some creative solutions (get a loan from them, get a friend to go with you etc) and their lack of emotional support is likely just temporary (e.g. if you show them you can do this, its water under the bridge…and obviously you went away to school before so that can’t be the issue). </p>

<p>I can’t imagine how difficult and frustrating it must be but I’m sure there is a solution to this (especially you of all people, given how far you have come already). You may find those at the schools doing the invitations can get someone to do some local leg work for you and I would imagine there are great resources for disabled travellers on line as well.</p>

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<p>-
I thought ada required accessible accommodations to be available or is that jsut for public buildings? It is interesting to me that you and yor family chose a college that was " in the boondocks", I’m wondering if certain criteriA were met first and if those will come into play with grad school.
From what I have observed areas with dense population have higher numbers of services and more awareNess of people with special needs. ( Not to mention public transportation to areAs with low demand is sparse)</p>

<p>What is your field that you feel compelled to attend grad school immediately after your ba? As noted the application process seems quite expensive for a uncertain result. Many students find that they are much better prepared for the process when they have gained more paid work experience.</p>

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<p>I’d ask Wanttobegrad to try to be a little less sensitive. You have expressed a situation here and have asked for comments. </p>

<p>It is not true that “It’s just traveling that’s an issue”. It isn’t just traveling. Traveling isn’t your only issue, according to your op. Your paragraphs 3, 4, and 5 all deal with how parents feel about your desires for multiple interviews. To most any reader, that would indicate it is also an issue, or you would have left out that part.</p>

<p>Please understand that no posts so far are trying to be mean. Some may agree with your position, some may offer alternatives, some may disagree wholly with your position. If you think that unfair, then post a more detailed picture, or do not post asking for comments. One thing I ask you to remember is that people here that choose to offer their help and comments are only making comments based on what you wrote. We have no other information to base a comment on.</p>

<p>I think you need to “cherry-pick” a few interviews. Not just one, and not the 9 that you say are tops for typical students. You are not the typical student. All of us have pros and cons in our lives. You have the difficulty of traveling that the typical student doesn’t have. I’d urge you to narrow the number down a bit, and it may be your physical difficulties may require you do do so. Maybe some visits just won’t work for you because some part of this visit just won’t accommodate your needs? If you seek help(that’s reasonable) to find accommodations from your prospective schools, you might narrow some down based on their willingness to help. If they are seriously considering that they want you, they might be willing to cooperate more to see you. Those who are less willing might need a second thought. Remember the point of an interview is to better see if both parties are offering what the other wants.</p>

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<p>I don’t know if this thought is going to go over well with the OP, but the global issue I see here is the idea of moving onto the next level of independence. </p>

<p>There comes a time for many when the decisions or pathway for the grown child does not fit or feel comfortable for the parents. And that is probably a good thing. If the grown child, now an adult, waits for the parents to be emotionally and financially on board all the time the reality is that many opportunities will simply slip away as time slips away because the child-adult is leaning more toward “child” rather than “adult”.</p>

<p>The “child” asks - may I? can I? will you emotionally help me? will you physically help me? will you financially help me? and waits for the permission/help.</p>

<p>The “adult” declares - this is my decision, I’d like your help. And if the parent can’t or won’t help, goes ahead with his original plan and seeks help from other sources (friends, etc) and works on creating more opportunities to make it happen.</p>

<p>I hear a LOT of the former and very little of the latter. The situation is made somewhat more difficult with the OPs situation of having to deal with the physical obstacles of travel/health. But the core decision needs to be made by the OP… to continue to “wait” for the parental help and approval or to forge out on his/her own.</p>

<p>I would vote for the latter. In the meantime, you can always work on seeing if the parents will get on board.</p>

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<p>Huh? I’m curious as to where you are getting this. I don’t need my parent’s approval! I want it, sure, but I don’t need it! I’ve done things my parents haven’t supported–in fact, most of the things I’ve done, my parents have no clue WHAT I’m doing, as this isn’t their field. My family doesn’t know what it is I do all day (work in the lab, but beyond that…), they don’t know what I’m taking, what my GPA is, what my publications are on, what my field actually IS, what internships I’ve done, etc. I’ve done things in my field that many graduate students haven’t done… </p>

<p>Really, I’m legitimately curious, where are you getting this?</p>

<p>That’s about as far from the truth as I can imagine.</p>

<p>I’m furious.</p>

<p>I have NEVER wanted to rely on parents–if I did, I’d be applying to law school. I have NEVER wanted to rely on personal care attendants, and never have. I have NEVER even wanted to rely on my friends to the point of burden.</p>

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<p>The fact that you can get so “furious” over my post points to a fundamental issue in your life. I suggest that this is getting in your way of making progress in this new area of your life. I realize you can’t see the connection yet. </p>

<p>Your hair-trigger anger at the musings of a largely well-intentioned online group of people brainstorming new ways to look at your situation is out of proportions. Yes, I do see a petulant attitude here. You didn’t like my advice or my perceptions and now you are darn well going to let me know how “furious” you are. </p>

<p>This push-pull is probably something you do with many areas of your life. Asking for help but not wanting help. I suspect you do this push-pull with your parents on some fundamental level. You are doing it here in this forum. On one hand you ask for our advice - but when it gets too personal or doesn’t match what you want to hear or you feel we get some detail wrong - you get indignant and tell us you are furious. Push-pull.</p>

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<p>I agree with annikasorrensen.</p>

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<p>I’m very confused. On the one hand, the OP’s initial post made it seem that his/her parents’ lack of support/approval for the track he/she wants to take is a huge stumbling block, to the point of preventing him/her from applying to desired graduate programs. </p>

<p>And then the post stating “I don’t need my parent’s approval!”</p>

<p>Not sure it can be both ways.</p>