<p>i applied to college this year and my parents were not very happy with the outcome. more irritatingly, they seem to think that i must have been severely lacking something or either possesses an extremely negative trait to be waitlisted at several (about 5) schools (although i did get into two ivies, several rather selective programs, and have full rides to several places and got into other top 15 schools).</p>
<p>my parents are to analyze what could have gone wrong, but i don't see what the problem is or was. i was a strong candidate all-around; perhaps not THE strongest out there, but i probably had as good a shot as anybody else at the top schools: top 1% class rank at a competitive hs with toughest courseload, 2350 SAT, all 760+ sat scores, national AP scholar, nmf/scholar, several national awards, many state and regional awards, a very strong devotion to two main areas in which i excelled, good writing, good recommendations. my parents were not helicopter parents. if anything, probably being an ORM with a high income hurt me the most. (the problem to my parents here is that despite the setbacks that being an ORM w/ a high income incurs, there ARE white and asian students with high incomes that get into HYPS, i think.)</p>
<p>but do you think there is a point in trying to see what "went wrong"? does getting into a school / not getting into a certain school mean that you are objectively better or worse than somebody else who had a different result than you did? if somebody was waitlisted at many schools, what might this mean?</p>
<p>in a time where everybody else is busy falling in love with their future schools with their friends and family, my parents are hung up on my defects that may or may not even exist. </p>
<p>i would really appreciate it if somebody could help me explain this to my parents. they are probably not adjusted to the way the american college admissions processes works and i would like to explain to them so that they can stop demanding to read and critique my essays and resume and the like weeks AFTER the results are out. it seems futile and doesn't make me feel that great about myself. thanks for your help.</p>
<p>simply put, there aren’t enough spots. i know intel finalists with a dozen APs (all 5s) and high 2300 SATs who got rejected to ivies. perhaps at the places where you were rejected, they really just didn’t have a place there. the american college system is very subjective. unlike in many other countries, you do not get accepted by simply scoring the highest marks on your college exams (which you did). there are far too many kids for that to be able to happen. when colleges look for people to admit, they look for individuals.<br>
a rejection doesn’t mean that you are not good enough to go to a school. it means that they judged that you wouldn’t fit in their particular institution. you were a fit for certain schools. you weren’t for others. you and your parents should feel very proud that you were accepted to two ivy league schools and have been offered excellent financial incentives at others.</p>
<p>Your parents don’t understand the terrain of college admissions and, frankly, could be more supportive. </p>
<p>You can only go to ONE college or university at a time. You have wonderful choices. I hope they calm down and appreciate you and your accomplishments.</p>
<p>That sucks dude… I don’t know what to say… </p>
<p>I’m sure they’ll get over it. Don’t let what they tell you get in your head. And when you have kids, remember what you went through, and let them do the things they love without pressure.</p>
<p>You got into two ivies, most people would have been happy with one. Assuming you have made a mistake on your resume, what could you do with that information now? College application is very unpredictable. My nephew was accepted at JHU, but rejected at Georgetown, and he never even visited JHU. Just because someone was accepted and you were not does not mean you were worse. </p>
<p>My older D was WL at a few schools 2 years ago. Adcoms told our GC it was because they didn’t think she would go to those schools. Fortunate for us, our GC could find out as to why our D1 was not admitted to some of those schools. There was a case where our daughter had very similar stats as another girl, this girl was admitted to a highly ranked Ivy our daughter was rejected (same ECs, similar awards, GPA, SAT). Our daughter was also deferred at her ED school, where everyone thought she should have been a shoo-in. She ended up at a perfect school for her. Two years later, she would choose her current school over any other schools. We do believe in fate, sometimes you just end up where you are suppose to be. </p>
<p>It is unfortunate that your parents couldn’t celebrate with you. You should be very proud of your accomplishments. I hope your parent could snap out of it soon, so they could share maybe your last summer at home.</p>
<p>Tell your parents the schools you got into are great “fits” for you and you are very excited about your options. Tell them what your love about each of those schools. have you done admitted students days at them yet? If not, plan on going and make your choice knowing you are an amazing student with lots to offer to these schools that have shown THEY WANT YOU!! </p>
<p>personally, I would just walk away when conversation turns to those other schools. :)</p>
<p>Seems like you have some big decisions to make in the next two weeks. You probably can’t really control your parents obsession but you can immerse yourself in the colleges you were accepted to and when you decide, join facebook and enjoy college! Your parents are from a different generation/culture and it is OK to just understand that and move on. I have a feeling you will be successful no matter what.</p>
<p>I take it that we are dealing with immigrant parents here.</p>
<p>Chances are that they come from a country where certain statistics will get you into certain schools, period. Since you didn’t get in, they are thinking that you must have had something “wrong” with you.</p>
<p>But things don’t work that way here. And there is nothing “wrong” with you. Yes, many public universities have statistics driven admission for in-state candidates and if you are in-state and have those statistics you will be guaranteed admission - no ECs needed, no essays, just grades and test scores. However, private college/university admissions (and many public university admissions especially for out of state students) are completely different. Each institution has its own admissions goals that will change from year to year (this year we need more Rugby players, last year we needed more Theatre majors), and each year the pool of applicants is somewhat different from the year before. There is a certain amount of predictability, but there also is a lot of what looks very random from the outside.</p>
<p>They are heart-broken because you didn’t get into every school you applied to. Would they be heart-broken if every girl you spoke with didn’t fall in love with you and want to marry you and bear their grand-children? Would they dissect every conversation that you had with a girl to figure out why she didn’t want to go out with you? Of course not! The fact that you were admitted to as many schools as you were, and that you have received several full-ride offers speaks very highly of you, and of the way that they have reared you thus far. The fact that some schools wait-listed you or did not admit you doesn’t mean that they have failed as parents. Or that you have failed them.</p>
<p>You can only attend one college at a time, just as (in the US) you can only be married to one person at a time. It really doesn’t matter how many girls turn down your invitations to coffee (or whose invitations you turn down), if in the end you find a good match for yourself (assuming of course that this is a goal you have for yourself!). Likewise, it doesn’t matter how many colleges wait-list or reject you, or how many accept you only for you to reject their offers, provided that in the end you find a good match for yourself.</p>
<p>Hang in there. You are going to be fine. So are they.</p>
<p>There may be a cultural disconnection here – your parents may believe that to be truly successful, you HAVE to go to certain schools, which may be the case in certain countries, especially Asian ones. You could point out to them that there are many successful people who have graduated from all kinds of schools, maybe find some examples (you could start with our president’s undergraduate college).</p>
<p>It does seem unfair that they are harping on this after the fact, when it sounds like they weren’t all that involved during the application process. Maybe they are feeling guilty?</p>
<p>i appreciate your thoughtful responses. one thing that is bothering me is that they seem to think that ALL the people at harvard (i was waitlisted there) must be SMARTER and BETTER PEOPLE than those at, say, columbia. and that a harvard or princeton waitlistee must be better than a harvard or princeton reject and yet worse than a H or P admit. i don’t think this is true at all, but my parents act like it and make remarks… and it’s driving me crazy.</p>
<p>Well, they’re wrong. If they told you New York City was the capital of New York State, would you believe that too? They are flat out wrong.</p>
<p>They value intelligence, but they don’t seem to get that intelligence isn’t just merely what you get on tests and SAT’s, but intelligence is also understanding the environment around you. Look, out of every 100 people applying to Harvard, 90 are fully qualified. Harvard says so. But, they only have room for what, 7 or 8. Harvard themselves says that they could choose several equally qualified freshman classes out of their applicants. Understanding that and understanding that a kid who has been accepted to 2 Ivies has done a PHENOMENAL job is the definition of intelligence. Not clinging to the old-country stereotypes that are perpetuated by those who don’t know any better.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that they are like this to you; just take comfort in the fact that they’re speaking out of ignorance. They truly are. For whatever reason, they’re still working under Asian assumptions in America – that Ivy attendance is the difference between doing well and not doing well, and that Ivy acceptance is a function of just doing X, Y and Z. They’re wrong. That’s the bottom line. They don’t know what they’re talking about. You’re going to do just fine in life, attenuation. Smart people in America always do, Ivy or no Ivy. Best of luck to you, and don’t let them get you down.</p>
<p>mousegray has a great idea for you. Do a google search of the most successful people in America…you will find that most if not all did not attend Harvard (well…except that pesky Bill Gates who didn’t graduate!). Show them the list and maybe this will help. Above all though, listen to Pizzagirl and others…you will be successful and won’t have to listen to your parents talking about this on a daily basis starting next fall!!! Really, choose the school that best suits you and you will flourish on your own.</p>
<p>Tell your parents that what you were lacking was proper raising and good genetics.</p>
<p>Seriously (meaning don’t say ^that), tell them that the results in the end don’t really matter, and that you’ll really best off at _______ (where you want to go) for ________ (reason - figure out something), and that that’s a better choice than any of the schools that rejected you. Make an anecdote that if a really mediocre (use the word safety if they’ll understand what it means) college rejected you, but a really good (use the word reach if they’ll understand what it means) college accecpted you, it doesn’t make a difference that you were rejected from that first college. </p>
<p>Unfortunately if they think that if there’s something wrong with you because you didn’t get into everywhere you applied, then I don’t think that they’ll accecpt the X+Y+Z doesn’t = admission explaination. Hopefully this way though will make them figure it doesn’t really matter.</p>
<p>More importantly though, don’t be discouraged by your parent’s disappointment. I’m assuming you’re happy with your choices (and if you are then think of it this way - how much money do you need to be happy, and how what is the average starting salary for a graduate from whatever school your going to, and realize that you can probably be better than average), and your parents (unless you have ****ty really ego-driven parents, if so then there’s nothing I can say) ultimately just want you to be happy. They’ll get over it soon.</p>
<p>One thing I have learned is that some parents (and some people in general, but I’ve seen this come up a lot regarding parents) are just crazy. When your parents are crazy, using logic with them doesn’t always work.</p>
<p>You’re not going to be living with them much longer, because you’ll be in college soon. So I think the important thing here is to realize that however much you love and respect them, they are being crazy about this, and to not take their craziness personally or let it damage your own perception of your impressive accomplishments.</p>
<p>That’s easier said than done, of course. A tactic that you <em>may</em> be able to use with your particular parents, to make things a bit easier on yourself, is to distract them with success stories. You are clearly a very accomplished kid, and you clearly have some very good college options. So you can try to distract them with the exclusiveness and prestige of awards that you have won. You can prattle on enthusiastically about what a great program in [your future field] your school of choice has, name-dropping alumni or professors who are famous in that field - bonus points if they have won some award that your parents have heard of. </p>
<p>This tactic is not intended to convince them that you did a good job with your applications, because, like I said, that’s just not likely to happen. It’s to help you keep your own morale up by reminding yourself of what a good position you are in, to keep some element of control over the dialogue, and, just maybe, to get them to think positively about your future even if they are disappointed with your present.</p>
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<p>No, especially since, in all likelihood, nothing did.</p>
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<p>No. It could mean that you did/didn’t suit the school’s needs during that particular year. Or that someone else’s champion on the admissions committee did a worse/better job for making the case that <em>they</em> suited the school’s needs at that time. Or that there were a bunch of applicants that the adcoms thought were about equal, and you did/didn’t get lucky enough to be picked from that pile. Or any number of other things.</p>
<p>You can’t forcibly change your parent’s mistaken perseveration on the past. Respond politely with the truth when they insist you help them analyze your results. The truth, I’m guessing, is mostly “I don’t know why they didn’t accept me. Their selection criteria are not transparent to me.”</p>
<p>Just focus on your future. Given some time, your parents will also let go of the past, ESPECIALLY if you refuse to be sucked in to making it a battleground between you. Just. Let. It. Go. (I know you let the rejections go already, I mean, let your parents’ silly momentary obsession go. I know it’s WEEKS since the decisions, but weeks is not that long from the perspective of your parents. Give them a bit more time, give the subject as little attention as is polite and respectful, and change the subject to the future whenever you can.</p>
<p>You’re going to do fine, your parents continuing education in the ways of the West will continue so suck it up for the moment and look forward.</p>
<p>OP, another parent chiming in…you can see, we’re all very proud of you and excited over your two Ivy and all the other fabulous admissions! That’s wowsome and plenty of reason to celebrate!</p>
<p>I’ll throw something out to consider. Talk to your GC and explain the scenario. Let your GC know if you have a strong preference for a particular school so he/she can be sure to lead the conversation to that one. And then he/she can initiate a meeting with you, your parents and the GC–it could be characterized as a routine “college placement family meeting” that naturally occurs in April before May 1 answers are due. Your GC can give them a brief education on the admissions process, crow over your competitiveness among your peers and the amazing choices you earned, and then provide them the opportunity to discuss and feel involved in your decision-making process.</p>
<p>I dunno if that’d work, but you get the idea. It sounds like it will take an authoritative third-party to validate your past achievements and current success in the crazy 2009 college admission game. </p>
<p>Whatever happens, good luck. I hope you’re soon sending that “I accept” letter to your #1 favorite out of the bunch!</p>