Grade Essay - hm i never knew i could do this...

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hey guys.. this is my first time posting essay.. grade? (taking SAT mar. 1) </p>

<p>Prompt:
There is, of course, no legitimate branch of science that enables us to predict the future accurately. Yet the degree of changes in the world is so overwhelming and so promising that the future, I believe, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War.
Adapted from Allan E. Goodman, A Brief History of the Future: The United States in a Changing World Order.
Is the world changing for the better? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasons and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>Essay:
The world is unquestionably changing for the worse. Although nations have industrially exploded in the past century, the world is unsuccessfully utilizing these new expansions. For example, the creation of automobiles has greatly revolutionized transportation, yet global warming is inevitably going to doom the entire planet. Also, wealthy nations have discovered ways to mass-produce foods, but world hunger is becoming a larger problem everyday. From the numerous examples that are exemplified in society, people can deduce that the world is undoubtedly changing for the worse. </p>

<pre><code>In this society, automobiles marked the new age of transportation; families could travel farther vacation spots and workers could commute more flexibly. However, automobiles brought about the destructive consequence of global warming. With the unimaginable volumes of carbon-emissions, earth is gradually warming, and eventually, the temperature will reach a point when nature will no longer be able to recover destroyed environment. Because of automobiles, the world will suffer numerous consequences, such as massive floods and unpredictable climate changes. With these troubles around the corner, it is impossible to say that the world is changing for the better.
</code></pre>

<p>In addition to global warming, the world is suffering through world hunger. Especially in third-world countries, countless people survive on a miniscule food supply. However, wealthy nations have capabilities of easily curing this problem through their ability to mass-produce. The problem today is that wealthy nations remain ignorant of world hunger and refuse to take drastic actions to solve this issue. If this continues, world hunger will only continue exacerbate because of the limited food and the growing population. With this said, the world’s ignorance towards its problems is making this planet worse. </p>

<p>From global warming to world hunger, this planet suffers through countless problems everyday, and at this pace, the world is unquestionably changing for the worse. In many cases, these problems can be solved; carbon-emissions can be eliminated through the finding of a clean source of energy, and world hunger can be vanquished if wealthy nations distribute food products to those who need them. Now, it is not a question of whether this planet is changing for the worse or not, but it is a question of how people can make things better.</p>

2

<p>I’d give this a 5 or 6 out of 6. It’s a well-developed argument, much better than many others I have read. On my thread “Read this before you post your SAT essay,” I mentioned that many people lose points because their arguments are not well-developed. This argument, however, is very well developed. You clearly gave much personal thought into your essay. In my opinion, this is an impressively well thought out, well planned, and controlled essay for only 25 minutes of thought! </p>

<p>This is an essay that makes me happy. It shows your real thoughts. This is what I mean by a good essay. And this is an excellent example that shows that you do not have to have basically pre-written your essay before you write it, as many people on College Confidential do.</p>

<p>If you had done it the way many people here do (using “universal” examples in their essays from literature), the essay would not have come out as well. People would say something like, “The world is getting worse” and back it up by using examples like “Brave New World,” which when you reflect upon it, doesn’t make much sense! Your examples are appropriate: global warming and world hunger.</p>

<p>The essay is excellent. Great job!</p>

3

<p>For the Global Warming. You should have added how people aren’t doing **** to stop it and no one is really caring in this world and continue to waste resources. And the world hunger one, don’t say the nations are ignorant, I would have called them greedy.</p>

4

<p>No, no, no!</p>

<p>This is another common mistake. I hope this is a joke. Ankur, following your suggestions would make the essay much worse. What you’re showing is a narrow mind. Your statements are just incorrect generalizations that lack support! What you say ruins many essays. If you said in your essay that people aren’t doing anything about global warming, it shows that you’re very closed-minded. </p>

<p>Even saying that nations are ignorant is a little risky, because you haven’t backed that up in your essay. It’s better to say that many nations have not put in significant contributions toward ending world hunger. But never say that the nations are greedy!</p>

5

<p>thanks guys!</p>

6

<p>A couple of points: avoid repetitive language (i.e., “unquestionably” and “undoubtedly”). Also, I would say you should make sure your examples support your thesis. Your first example (the growth of cars wrecking the environment) does this, but I’m not sure you make a convincing argument that world hunger is getting worse.
And I may be alone in this thought, but my advice would be that if you’re on the fence on whether to take the positive or negative side of one of these questions, take the positive side. Your essay will be scored by human beings using pretty subjective criteria, and a positive outlook may help you.</p>