<p>Please correct my essay accurately and according to SAT standards.
1. The assignment : Is deception ever justified ?
Essay :
Deception is verily justified in a few cases in our world. Sometimes , it is even essential. However, there are cases in which it is certainly reprehensible and one should differentiate between the previous two scenarios.</p>
<pre><code> One example for this includes the actions of Beatrice Prior from the trilogy " Divergent , Insurgent , and Allegiant " , by Veronica Roth. Beatrice decepts her boyfriend along with the surrounding people many times but only to ensure someone's safety and protect her loved ones. For instance she once deceived her boyfriend, Tobais , by promising him to stay back but eventually charging into the war to acquire information that could improve the whole state's life. Therefore, her deception was actually acceptable and her reasons plausible.
Additionally, deception maybe unpunishable if one encountered a situation as inescapable as my friend's. Once he went down the streets of his hometown, Cairo , he was surrounded by a group of bandits. One of the several atrocities those bandits committed was robbing you of everything you've got, even your clothes. Here, he knew that the only way he could escape this inoppurtune encounter was to tell them a lie and adopt a facade. When they approached him, he pompously asked how the business was going and if they have collected the requisite money of their gang. Luckily for my friend, he posessed a bit of information about how things go there. Convinced by bis adroit affectation, the group said it was almost done and left him alone assuming he was also a gangster.
Finally, everyone should ensure they are cognizant that deception is in no way acceptable in mere situations where the only interest is the harm of others or personal gain . But it is surely acceptable during threatening situations or when your goal is the benefit and well-being of others.
</code></pre>
<p>...................................</p>
<p>Actual length of essay is 1.5 pages.</p>
<p>Organization:4 Good transitions, but you need 5 paragraphs for a 5 or 6.
Thesis: 3 It’s hard to see your thesis just from your introduction. Your introduction should be hook-transition-thesis format. The last or second to last sentence must be your thesis. Also, thesis is undeveloped.
Grammar: 3 Use of “decepts” instead of “deceives,” and using quotation marks around “Divergent, Insurgent, and Allegiant” instead of around each of the three books. Some other minor errors, too, but these two that are in the early parts of your essay stand out and bring your score down. Also, don’t use “you.”
Diction: 4 Some good words.
Sentence Variety: 3. Average.</p>
<p>Overall: 3/6. I would say a 6 or 7 out of 12. You don’t explain your examples fully, and what you do say can be a little confusing at times. </p>
<p>By the end, I find out that your thesis is something like “Deceit can be justified, but one must make sure it is justified” or something along those lines. This is something you can include in your conclusion, as you have done, but it is not something for your introduction. If you include it as part of your thesis, you’re expected to support it with examples. You’ve given me examples of when deceit is justified, but nothing about when it is not justified. The easiest way to reword your essay is to have a simple but developed thesis like “Since deceit can be used for the greater good, deceit is sometimes justified.” You can use fancier words, but you need something like that: a reason and your thesis. </p>
<p>Paragraphs are basic, but not completely wrong, so that’s okay there. Make sure you explain your examples a bit more, and have less grammar mistakes. Emphasis on grammar mistakes, since you have quite a few SAT mistakes. Good luck.</p>
<p>Thanks a lot!!!
I thought I’d get a 5 but it seems I was wrong. I really appreciate everything you said. THANK YOU.
Could you please elaborate on how to improve the thesis? What is the hook-transition-thesis format ? And how can I improve sentence variety ? Thanks again 
</p>
<p>If it’s ok with you , I’d be elated if you correct this essay too. Also, can you please tell me about the relation between essay length and the score ? Should I leave a line between paragraphs or indent before them ? </p>
<p>Assignment : Is there always another explanation or another point of view?</p>
<p>Essay : </p>
<pre><code> If there’s one thing that we are certainly sure exists, it would be uncertainity. There’s never a singular point of view in any situation . A myriad of explanations exist for every case. Every person views the situation differently , and this has been proven not only in real life but in physics and a plethora of other fields.
</code></pre>
<p>Take for example, the character Winston from George Orwell’s “1984”. Winston believes that the Party is wrong in almost everything it does , and he hopes to change all the rules put forth by it. On the other hand, the Party itself believes that what it does is right, and that those who fail to obey will have to retribute. This shows that seperate personnel have different perspectives because they view the world in their own peculiar way.
Additionally in physics for example, the movement of light can show us the scientific side of the story. If light reaches person A before person B , person A will see before that latter. This demonstrates how - even scientifically - several points of view exist . Also, in physics and math, more than one method always exists to solve a problem, and that is a prevalent idea.
Furthermore , uncountable axioms exist that describe the aesthetic idea of various points of view on one subject. One would be , " Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." This saying beautifully encompasses the idea of perspective. Some people may find extravagant what others think is disgusting , and that’s because everyone has their own opinion. To elaborate, I’d say that it all depends on how you were raised and where you did. If your society thought dogs were loyal benevolent friends, you’d most probably think so too. However, if you grew up around people who thought dogs were dirty atrocious creatures, you’d likely think in a similar way.
In conclusion, I strongly assert that the different explanations of any situation perpetually exist for any present situation that exists out there.
…</p>
<p>I have some really stupid grammar mistakes …</p>
<p>Could you check the essay below ? @woandering</p>
<p>6 or 7.</p>
<p>The use of transitional words for all examples is very good!</p>
<p>Tips:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Too short. Must be minimum 400 words for a double digit score.</p></li>
<li><p>Ex 2 and Ex 3 are very weak. Choose something SPECIFIC from history, science etc. Telling hypothetical scenarios doesn’t create an impact.</p></li>
<li><p>Conclusion is weak. Improve it.</p></li>
<li><p>Very short sentences. Use variety of sentence structures.</p></li>
<li><p>Opening is weak. </p></li>
<li><p>Start ALL examples with sentences showing relation with thesis. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Ugh sorry for not responding. School work and all that.</p>
<p>Anyway for your latest essay on this post:</p>
<p>Organization: 3 Needs transitions and 5 paragraphs.
Diction: 5 You’re doing well here. A 6 is near impossible for most people, and you shouldn’t spend any effort in improving this category.
Grammar: 4 Minor mistakes. Do try to improve it. Try not to use “it” in the beginning of phrases. Use commas before and after ‘for example.’ These little things stand out.
Sentence Variety: 4 Nothing spectacular.
Thesis: 3 Your thesis is a little clearer, but it needs to be easy for a first grader to understand. “Since there are different people of different backgrounds in the world, there will always be different explanations and perspectives.” This one sentence thesis (contrast with yours that seems to go on a bit) gives a reason and an argument. </p>
<p>Overall: 4/6 That’s an improvement, so good job. You can do more though, and I would say this essay might get a 7 instead of 8. </p>
<p>About hook-transition-thesis format, you need to ‘hook’ the reader in with something related to the thesis/topic, but it cannot be your thesis. Then with one or two sentences lead it naturally to your thesis. I like to use the counterargument for my hook. Basically, you write about the opposite side, and say how it is wrong, and say your thesis.</p>
<p>@determined2300 A disagreement:</p>
<ol>
<li>It’s no use saying ’ conclusion is weak. Improve it.’ His conclusion, by SAT standards, are only weak because he says ‘I assert that.’ OP, don’t use ‘I’ unless you’re using a personal example. Just state your thesis. By English class standards, that’s not enough, but it’s fine with SAT.</li>
</ol>
<p>If you’re going to comment tips, try to be specific on how the writer can improve. </p>