Grade My Essay Please - #3

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: "A mistakenly cynical view of human behavior holds that people are primarily driven by selfish motives: the desire for wealth, for power, or fore fame. Yet history gives us many examples of individuals who have sacrificed their own welfare for a cause or a principle that they regarded as more important than their own lives. Conscience - that powerful inner voice that tells us what is right and what is wrong - can be a more compelling force than money, power, or fame."</p>

<p>Assignment: "Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?"</p>

<p>Essay: "Conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power. A person's conscience holds so great a sway over him or her because of its persistent and intimate nature - because one's conscience comes from within, it is difficult, and often painful, to ignore. Therefore, the only choices are to deal with the matter of concern, or endure internal pain for the rest of one's life.</p>

<p>Conscience has proven time and time again to motivate with greater effectiveness than wealth, power, or fame. Such a demonstration of conscience's power can be found in the film Inside Man. This movie features a seemingly respectable elderly man who once owned a large, prestigious bank firm, and contributes much of his wealth to philanthropic causes. However, as the movie progresses, it is revealed that this apparently kindly and benevolent man made his fortune during the Nazi occupation of Germany, by cooperating with the Nazis rather than help his persecuted friends. In the time since then, the man has been so troubled by his conscience that he has given up his powerful and prestigious job as head of the bank firm and donated huge sums of money to charitable causes in an effort to soothe his guilt. In short, neither fame nor money nor power is as important to him as regaining a clear conscience, the only thing which motivates him now.</p>

<p>Another example of the motivational power of conscience can be found in Judas Iscariot. According to the Bible, Judas sold the life of Jesus Christ for 30 silver pieces. Through this action he gained wealth, the silver, power [the control of a man's life] and even some degree of fame, as the man who betrayed Jesus. However, shortly after he did this, Judas was beset by an enormously guilty conscience. This continued for a short while until Judas could no longer bear such torment, and attempted to reverse the trade and buy back Jesus' life. Unable to do so, Judas Iscariot committed suicide, driven insane by the one thing he could never have; a clean conscience.</p>

<p>Thus, through events in both history and art, it is clear that conscience proves a much more powerful motivator than either wealth, power, or fame. A guilty conscience, torturing a man through every waking moment of his life, is often the one thing that most spurs him to set things right."</p>

<p>What do you think? Thanks in advance :)</p>

2

<p>Bump, 10char</p>

3

<p>10/12</p>

<p>I don’t like the last 2 sentences of the first paragraph. Here is what I’d do:</p>

<p>Conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power. A person’s conscience holds sway over him or her due to its persistent and intimate nature, making it difficult, and often painful, to ignore. If a person doesn’t deal with a matter of concern to their conscience, they have to endure internal pain for the rest of his or her life.</p>

<p>I’m still not entirely happy with the intro and not sure I can change it to my satisfaction, but basically my edit makes the thesis clearer and more forceful, which is something of a necessity for an SAT essay.</p>

4

<p>I thought the intro was okay. :(</p>

<p>Bump.</p>

5

<p>It’s not terrible, but it’s what stood in between a 5/6 and a 6/6 :)</p>

6

<p>Bah, the line between sophisticated language and awkward language is [at least to me] a fine one.</p>

7

<p>I heard films aren’t good to use as essay examples. Like the highest you could get is a 4 if you use a film.</p>

<p>This is something I heard though.</p>

8

<p>They don’t care what examples you use as long as they support your point well. If you’re worried about it though, you can turn any film into a book</p>

9

<p>What’s the difference, artistically/credibility, between a film and a book?</p>

10

<p>I liked that you seemed to address money, fame, and power—exactly what the prompt asks you to do.</p>

<p>IMO, 10 (borderline 11). Probably 11 if the few punctuation errors are corrected.</p>

<p>The very first sentence could have been a little better. But I’d say a good essay overall.</p>

11

<p>Thanks for the ratings. I’ll put more effort into a clearer thesis in the future :)</p>

12

<p>People are being waaay too hard on you. When I took the SAT, I did pretty badly on the essay (6 or 7, I can’t remember right now), but I cited NOTHING. To be fair, my prompt was absolutely ridiculous, in my humble opinion, but I know a lot of people feel that way. Still, I cited nothing and just rambled and got a six or a seven. I was also told that you will get a horrid grade if you don’t pump out at LEAST five paragraphs, so my essay had six… Six poorly worded, forced, terrible paragraphs.</p>

<p>Lesson learned.</p>

<p>I would say you would get probably a ten or so. I can tell you’re trying to mix up the “feel” of the essay by subtly playing with some of the sentences’ structure… This is good; it keeps the reader interested. Conversely, you must keep your writing clear and concise. Keep in mind that unlike the users at CC, the people who will be grading your essay for real will not look it over for more than two minutes. They have a lot of essays to grade, and they don’t really care enough to think deeply about your work. This sounds harsh, but it is so true! I have known teachers who grade these essays, and, truthfully, some care much more about style than content (probably how I got a seven with an essay worth zero for content). </p>

<p>I would recommend that you try to spice up your intro, if only a little. Get the reader involved!</p>

13

<p>I would give you a 11 or 12. Great examples, really great, although I personally don’t like using films. Your language is good.</p>

14

<p>It’s pretty good, just needs a few touch ups. I just started working on the SAT, so i still need to practice as well.</p>