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<p>prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power? </p>

<p>The question "Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?" suggests that people might not perform tasks because of internal motivation. In other words, people might need more tangible motivators that conscience to be successful. In my opinion, conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power. Throughout society and life, the evidence to support my viewpoint is pervasive.</p>

<p>First look at Todd Marinovich, the robo-child quarterback. He was drafted to the NFL after playing only two years at USC but ended up leaving the Raiders because it was not what he wanted to do with his life. From age five his father trained him to be a successful quarterback in the NFL giving him money, fame, and power, but he quit because he was not happy, thus making conscience a more powerful motive.</p>

<p>Next examine the Shakespearean tragedy Hamlet. Hamlet vows to avenge his father's death and kill his father's murderer, Claudius. Although Hamlet has a deep character flaw and is unable to kill Claudius originally, his only motive is to avenge his fathers death, a purely conscientious motive. Killing Claudius would give Hamlet power but conscience is the more powerful motive in the play.</p>

<p>Finally, let us dissect the motives of John Wilkes Booth, the murderer of Abraham Lincoln. From the words screamed by Booth after killing Lincoln (long live tyranny) his motive were surely from his conscience. Booth was an extreme activist in the south and did not kill Lincoln for money, fame, or power, but rather because he could not stand to see the man the ruined the legacy of the south live. </p>

<p>From these examples, and the many more present, conscience is, indeed, a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power.</p>

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<p>Nice examples. The only thing I would say is that it lacks the touch of you in the essay, especially in the conclusion. Tie it to your life - what has this taught you? Have you changed as a result? Why do you choose these examples? Chances are the reader has read at least one of the examples, but there is no chance that the reader has read anything about how the example relates to YOUR life. Just a thought.</p>

<p>My score: 5</p>

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<p>A 5 in my opinion.</p>

4

<p>Also a 5. Booth said “Sic Semper Tyranus,” meaning this is always the fate of Tyrants (Literaly “this always to tyrants”). He saw his actions as ending tyranny rather than promoting it.</p>

5

<p>overall this is kind of informal
a 5, but this is pretty close to a 4. The language is sometimes very colloquial. You could bump of the vocab.</p>

6

<p>Do you all mean 5 out of 12 or out of 6?</p>

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<p>I personally would say that this is a 5/12 or even a 6/12. Although these are good examples, you are simply summarizing the examples, which doesn’t make a good point. It’s like answering to “What have you learned from team sports?” with “I played football, basketball, water polo… etc…” This does not answer the question.</p>

<p>Finally, the transitions between the paragraphs dont make sense, the examples are not exactly coherent. There is little connection between Hamlet, Booth, and Marinovich.
Also, there is no obvious thesis. Your thesis is probably more important than your examples are.
In the case of your examples, try to find a common string between your examples and wrap your essay around that.</p>

<p>5~6/12</p>

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<p>its a 10 10charrrrrrrrr</p>

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<p>There is zero percent chance this essay earns a 10. It’s a 5-6 essay. It’s an essay, so not below 5, but it’s severely underdeveloped and has some errors.</p>

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<p>I also wrote an essay on the same topic-here is it:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1240857-does-essay-sound-tad-bit-too-flowery.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1240857-does-essay-sound-tad-bit-too-flowery.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I agree with marvin100 and omgitsthatguy. However, I highly doubt one of your readers would give you a 2/6. Your essay is definitely a 6/12 or a 7/12. Focus more on having a clear logical flow and tying in everything better. By the way, the first two sentences in your intro have nothing to do with the both the rest of the intro and the essay as a whole. Read the “get a 12 in 10 days” thread- it will help a lot.</p>

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<p>3 Immediate advice:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Don’t use the quote or the question from the prompt in your essay. It wastes your time, your space, and also the reader’s time because the reader will know what the prompt is. It’s basically redundant and you don’t want to have your reader to begin your essay with something that’s redundant and boring.</p></li>
<li><p>Never use personal pronouns in your thesis unless you know you have to do it. “In my opinion”, “I believe that,” “I think that,” and etc all hurt your thesis and makes you sound unsure of what you believe in. You want to tell the reader “this is what I believe in and I know it is true.” If you really want to use I then you can put something like, “Throughout my life, I have continuously seen that conscience is a more powerful motivator than…” But you never want to put the word/letter “I” in your thesis because it makes your thesis weak.</p></li>
<li><p>Don’t try to address the reader when you transition. Your reader knows your transitioning since you’re making a new paragraph. So avoid using “let’s look at” and “examine” and “let us dissect.” Transition using collegiate phrases.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>6/12 -</p>

<p>While your examples relate to the thesis, you merely summarize them without explaining their implications. Essay readers expect that you will not only explain the examples but also elucidate their relevancy to the topic. Explain everything - do not expect that their connection to the prompt is self-evident.</p>

<p>You composed your essay in a colloquial tone, and I would recommend writing in a more formal voice. This is not creative writing, but rather a response to a formal prompt.</p>

<p>Attempt to write two excellently-developed paragraphs rather than writing three quasi-developed paragraphs. I think essay readers would rather see quality over quantity.</p>