Grade my essay please!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>My first time ever using 3 supports, took me 28 mins total. Probably has lots of grammar errors but whatever.</p>

<p>Prompt: Does questioning authority make a society stronger?</p>

<p>Questioning authority is an often scrutinized, but necessary course of action for any society. The fact of the matter is that every society has it's aberrations and flaws and that question authority will only make that society stronger.</p>

<p>For example, in Arthur Miller's The Crucible, late 17th century society is dominated by the ruthless control bestowed by the authoritative church. The prominent members of the church all held sought after positions in society and had great influence on the people's lives. This time period consisted of the Salem Witch Trials, in which tons of innocent men and women were falsely accused and convicted of being witches. If it wasn't for the heroic protagonist, John Proctor, who spoke out against the church for being unjust and corrupt, the society of Salem would have been forever jailing and executing innocent people, which would lead to the downfall of its society. Furthermore, speaking out against authority holds great value in any society.</p>

<p>Another example of the concept of questioning authority to make society stronger is the anti-Vietnam War protests and campaign. The US involvement in Vietnam was often questioned by society, as shown by mass amount of protesters during this time. As a whole, society felt that the US government was becoming involved in an unnecessary war which was leading to mass casualties of innocent American people. Eventually, the anti-Vietnam protests convinced President Nixon to remove the troops from Vietnam, potentially saving hundreds of thousands of American lives and thus proving that speaking out against authority can benefit society and make it stronger or more unified.</p>

<p>A third example that involves this concept is the corrupt Gilded Age of America. Throughout this era, several corrupt companies and individuals held important and influential political positions, most notably the infamous Boss Tweed. Tweed rigged political elections, used corrupt methods to influence voters, and used just about every malicious method possible to achieve a high political status. It seemed as if the government was doing nothing to stop him. It was not until one courageous political cartoonist, Thomas Nast, questioned his authority and published several cartoons and articles in the newspaper that exposed his corruption. As a result, Tweed was jailed which signified the downfall of corruption in the Gilded Age and thus extremely benefited society.</p>

<p>As delineated by multiple literary and historical societies, questioning authority is, indeed, a necessity for all flourishing societies. For if these rebels of the system had not spoke out against authority, their respective societies would be forever impaired by blatant corruption.</p>

<p>I think it's the best one I've written yet. It was 2 pages down to the last line. The only thing I'm not happy with was my vocab. I think there were a few situations where I wanted a stronger vocab word but just didn't have the time to think of one. :(</p>

<p>Be harsh but realistic, please.</p>

2

<p>I scanned it over for word choice, examples, and solid beginnings and endings (because that’s basically what readers do) and I would give it a 10-11 only on that. It isn’t a 12 because it’s not a scholarly paper of utmost eloquence, but it’s solid.</p>

3

<p>Almost 300 views and only 1 person took the 1-2 minutes it takes to read it? :(</p>

<p>Anyways, thank you though. That’s what I’m aiming for, the 10-11 range. (preferably 11)</p>

<p>More feedback would be great.</p>

4

<p>My experience is that, SAT essay is only a competition of writing speed. I absolutely planned nothing and started writing 3 seconds after I read the question, then came up two extremely commonplace examples, and received a 12. I was flabbergasted when I saw that score. So my advice is that, write as much as you can and fill the two pages fully. Content is not the first to be considered.</p>

5

<p>-I liked your examples
-coherence and progression is very good, but just a bit choppy
-I actually thought vocab was good, just a few repetitions
-A few grammar errors (ex: informal to use apostrophie: wasn’t)
Overall, I really liked the examples
I would say probably 11</p>

6

<p>Awesome. Thank you for the feedback.</p>

7

<p>Personally, I would definitely give it at least a 11 and most likely a 12.
I’m not that good at writing essays. The best I’ve done are only 2 examples. Overall, it is very good and has good examples. Each paragraph has good wrapping up sentences. Although the first body paragraph’s last sentence is kind of unnecessary. That could save you several seconds of time. Since you are pretty good at essay, I would suggest that you change one of your examples to be a refuting example. It is basically saying that (in your case) here is what will happen if no one questioned authority, blah blah blah. But that is not a must, and you will still have a good chance of getting a 12 if you don’t use it. Using it will just secure a 12.</p>

<p>Your essay is very well planned and organized holistically, so keep that up.</p>

8

<p>Thank you for the feeback tincanman, I appreciate it.</p>

9

<p>I would give this a 9/12 if I’m very strict but a 10/12 is I think closer to the mark.
If you looked at my other critiques from other people who posted their essays, know that this is my usual critique. It doesn’t mean there were so many mistakes but rather I tried to give you examples, which is why it’s so long. Overall, your essay was solid.</p>

<p>Intro paragraph:
There is a lot of fluff in your essay. This is my biggest problem when I write essays in general, but I ask for sharp critique on such things to prevent my essays from being superfluous and elongated to the point where it’s torture to read one of my paragraphs =D. For instance, “The fact of the matter is…” and so forth is just a bunch of words wasting a bunch of precious space and time on the SAT essay portion. It is better if you just say “Every society has its aberrations [nice use of difficult vocab] and flaws…” and go on from there.</p>

<p>Also, watch out for grammar, especially in your thesis, which is awkward since you use “question authority” as a verb when it should have been a noun/gerund as “questioning authority.” Thesis is the one place where you have to make sure you’re grammatically correct because that’s the entire point of your essay. You want to give your reader a good sense of impression of yourself before he/she continues to read on your essay.</p>

<p>Second paragraph: [Catholic Church]
When you used “bestowed” in your second paragraph, it kinda make me cringe because it’s not the appropriate word for something you would put next to “ruthless control.” Also it’s passive. WIth the time crunch, it is difficult to prevent writing as many passive sentences as possible but that’s what practice is for. A stronger sentence could be: “According to Arthur Miller’s The Crucible[love your reference!!], the Catholic Church ruthlessly controlled the late 17th Century, abusing its spiritual influence to dominate the physical lives of their followers…” and so forth.</p>

<p>Avoid using cliched and incorrect idiomatic phrasing like “tons of innocent men” because it brings down your level little by little. Simple words like “a number of innocent men,” “hundreds of innocent men,” or “innocent men” is better than “tons of.”</p>

<p>“The society of Salem would have been forever jailing and executing innocent people, which would lead to the downfall of its society” ??? This sentence makes sense but its redundant or the emphasis of the subject is placed on the wrong group. “Salem would have been…” “the local government of Salem would have been…” [This is really picky, but it shows how there’s a lot of fluff in the essay].</p>

<p>“Further more, speaking out against authority holds great values in any society”… This is an argument that is not supported anywhere by anything since its the last sentence of that paragraph. Either support it or take it out because it doesn’t hold much weigh without support.</p>

<p>Third paragraph: [Vietnam War]
Basically the same things as 2nd paragraph:
Passive sentences
Fluff</p>

<p>Fourth paragraph:
“That involves this concept” can be changed to better phrases. Before you write an essay, before you take the test itself, come up with several transitional phrases you like. Mine are: For similarity: “Similar to the people’s protests against the Catholic Church, the American citizens’ protests against the Vietnam War in the mid 1900s demonstrates the power to change society by questioning its authority,” and for contrast: “Unlike the people’s protests against the Catholic Church, the American citizens’ protests against the Vietnam War portrays the devastating consequences of questioning authority…” Those are my two favorite and since I usually only do to examples it fits perfectly. Try this and see if you like it or not. It would help you in the end.
I just realized I used the wrong two examples but you get the point.</p>

<p>Overall (for your examples) you have a lot of summary with one sentence of analysis. You say that because this downfall, society became better. You didn’t really explain how it became better. For instance, the Catholic Church, the downfall of the Church led to the blossoming of the Renaissance, a time which eventually birthed some of the most gifted men in history. The Gilded Age, the downfall of Boss Tweed signified the end of corporate corruption with local and federal government as future presidents began to persecute corrupt businesses and “bust the trust,” eventually allowing middle-class citizens to gain huge steps in the fight for equality… or something like that. You don’t have to add much except for half a sentence that shows exactly why society became stronger after that.</p>

<p>Solid conclusion. You used a lot of vocab in the last two sentences. Just be careful of using too many difficult vocab (I have this problem too ever since I studied for SAT vocab :p) in such a small amount of space.</p>

10

<p>Three examples
2 pages worth
Commentary on examples
Nice intro and conclusion
Good diction
Some grammar mistakes
I would give it an 11 only because of the grammar mistakes. Excellent essay! If only I could start writing like that.</p>