Could somebody please grade my essay ?

<p>Could somebody please grade me on this essay .</p>

<p>Prompt :Whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends [the natural rights of men] , it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it , and to institute new government, laying it's foundation on such principles and organizing it's powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness . </p>

<p>The declaration of independence</p>

<p>Assignment : Does questioning authority make a society stronger ? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading , studies , experience, or observations .</p>

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<p>Essay:</p>

<p>I Strongly believe that questioning authority does make a society stronger. Those who govern society tend to become autocratic unless there is a constant check on them. It is true that any form of government should be of the people , for the people and by the people . However , those in the government may sometimes look upon themselves as rulers and the people as subjects . Such an outlook weakens the very foundations of society . Many times in history , the people have reacted very violently to suchunquestioned authority . Reacting violently is very different from questioning authority . If authority becomes absolute , the freedom of man becomes ambiguous . The word 'society' brings images of peaceful and harmonious groups of people living together as a community to ones mind. Such a utopian vision can only be realized when everybody in the group has a say in what the group does. Questioning authority certainly makes a society stronger because every person in that society feels more secure , they don't feel that they are oppressed and that they are being "ruled" by someone. It gives everybody a sense of happiness , knowing that they can question anything that they feel isn't correct. I feel that dissent is the strongest form of patriotism .</p>

<p>There have been many examples in history where people have grown closer because of a united struggle against an oppressive authority . India has always been a land of religious diversity .This religious diversity has also led to a wide gulf between the two major ethnic groups , the hindus and the muslims . During the independence movement , the Hindus and Muslims , who weren't on very friendly terms , came together to fight for a common cause and question the authority of the british rule . This, in effect , made the society stronger . During the french revolution , people who were tired of monarchical government rebelled against it . They dethroned the king and established a government based on the rules that they framed . An anonymous quote says "As many days as I have questioned my own existance, it would be a flaw to live an entire life without questioning authority.This clearly shows that blindly following convention and not thinking about it or questioning it makes lives uninteresting .</p>

<p>In conclusion , I would like to say that questioning authority is a tool that everybody in society has . They can use it for the improvement of their society . It is also an inalienable right granted by the constitution to the citizens of a country . It should be used carefully , and authority should be questioned in a civilized manner . But if used effectively , it can make the society stronger.</p>

<p>Thanks in advance for the help . </p>

<p>Anuraag</p>

<p>Hi, Is this essay for college? I’m afraid it needs a great deal of work. I’m goign to be blunt. If I were to give it a grade I’d give it a D or C-. Maybe lower depending on what my requirements were. The main problems: You need at least two supports and right now you have one (India; an excellent idea by the way). Stick to specifics rather than general, obvious statements. Your intro is too long and a space-filler. Just words to fill the space. You need more ‘meat.’ Your overall point is good and your point that many governments need a ‘check’ is a great topic that needs development. Basically, you need more development and more support. Your sentences need to be varied. Your conclusion is very weak–never begin with 'in conclusion!" </p>

<p>Sorry to give you the negative feedback, but it sounds like you’re not getting any help in whatever school you go to. It’s so unfair; some kids go to schools that have great resources, have parents who pay for tutors, etc.; others don’t. Anyway, good luck. Hold yourself to high standards.</p>

<p>thanks hoveringmom for the feedback . By specifics , do you mean examples? By more meat in my essay do you mean i need more substance? I understand the part about a weak conclusion ( i thought so too). Thanks again for the feedback and please do let me know what exactly i should write to improve the essay . </p>

<p>anuraag</p>

<p>I don’t understand why hoveringmom thought this was a college essay when the post was posted in a SAT prep forum, and had a typical SAT essay prompt. However, I agree with her on the points she made.</p>

<p>Your introduction is clearly too long; ideally, it should be 4 sentences at most. The intro could also use some sharpness. It seems like your thesis is lost somewhere in between the words. </p>

<p>You should have at least 2 very well developed body paragraphs, or 3 good ones. Using only one example is way too weak. Another example like the one you’ve made, and you’d be looking at an above average score.</p>

<p>Making a strong conclusion for any essay is very hard but for a SAT essay it’s surprisingly easy. Just write something like “Basing on analyses of the …, I believe that … is … Without … it would … + one definitive sentence”</p>

<p>Your grammar is pretty decent but it could use substantial improvement. However, if your intro were shorter and you had 2 or three body paragraphs with well developed examples, and your grammar remained the same, you could get an excellent score.</p>

<p>I think this essay would get a 5 or 6 out of 12, but improving it to a 7, 8 or even 9, would be relatively easy.</p>

<p>I would advise you to read the thread on “how to get a 12 on sat essay in 10 days” if you haven’t read it before.</p>

<p>Thanks bilguun for your reply . Im in India , and don’t have a very good idea on how to go about writing an SAT essay . Thanks for the feedback , and ill work on it for the next one . I’m not able to find the thread " how to get a 12 on sat essay in 10 days". Could you please post the link for it here? </p>

<p>thanks</p>

<p>anuraag</p>

<p>The thread had dropped way back. Here it is:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;