Grade my essay, please!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt:

[quote]

"A better understanding of other people contributes to the development of moral virtues. We shall both be kinder and fairer in our treatment of others if we understand them better. Understanding ourselves and understanding others are connected, since as human beings we all have things in common."
- Adapted from Anne Sheppard, Aesthetics: An Introduction to the Philosophy of Art. </p>

<p>Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves? Plan and write an essay...

[/quote]
</p>

<p>My Essay:</p>

<p>Throughout history, man has asserted their identity through negation. We are in essence what we are not: we are human because we are not animals, we are white because we are not black, we are Christian because we are not Jew. We attach meaning to our differences, and it is through those differences, through comparing ourselves to other people, that help establish our identity and sense of who we are. </p>

<p>Throughout history, social, cultural and national groups have constructed identities through negation. Oppressed people, from colonialism have struggled to establish their identity by differentiating themselves from their colonizers. A prime example, which psychologist Frantz Fanon illustrates in his book, "A Dying Colonialism," occurred in the Algerian national movement against the French colonial rule. In one chapter he explains how the natives rejected the European medicines and doctors, often opting for slow death or primitive practices in order to separate themselves from the French. They adopted native medical practices like herbs in an effort to assert their national identity. They discovered themselves through a rejection of others.</p>

<p>Likewise, the Europeans in the Age of Exploration began developing their own sense of superiority and identity as they encountered other "primitive" natives of other lands. Accounts of the natives in America upon Columbus's voyage often portrayed them as savages. Similar phenomenon occurred in Africa, as Europeans, believing in the superiority of their race, felt it was their "burden" to civilize the uncivilized. Europeans gained an identity through asserting themselves as who they were not -- they were not savage and uncivilized.</p>

<p>Whether looking to others to understand yourselves leads to virtue is questionable, and more often than not, as history has shown, has led to subjugation and legitimized conflict. Humans will always develop their identity through differences and negation, but virtue comes not from understanding our differences, but from embracing it, and respecting the differences of others. It is from this that tolerance and moral virtue arise. </p>

<p>What do you guys think? (From a scale of 1-12)</p>

2

<p>I would say 10 or 11 maybe. It's well-written.</p>

3

<p>I'm not 100% sure, but I believe in the second sentence where you write "..we are Christian because we are not Jew" is an incorrect use of the word jew. I believe you should say Christian:Jewish. I understand that you are saying we are Christian people and referring to the Jewish people as well but I personally think it calls for a change. </p>

<p>I would give it a 10!</p>

4

<p>hmm, yeah, your right. I contemplated that for a half second actually.. not sure why I decided for Jew though. I think I would agree that you are right nate.</p>

<p>Thanks guys! Any particular way you think it can improve?</p>

5

<p>Since you were contemplating your decision in using the word, consider changing it. Possibly to Jewish but if I were you I would use Muslim. It is more contrasting than Christian to Jewish and personally think it fits better. Just a suggestion. Good Luck!</p>

6

<p>I'd give this a 10-11 as well. Your paragraph about the Algerian movement is not only good but interesting. I wish you would have given a little bit more background about it (when did it occur, for instance?). Not much depth about it, but the basics of it. It would have been better had you given more commentary about how the rejection of Western medicine helped the Algerians understand themselves. What did they discover about themselves? If you answered that, that paragraph would have been just excellent.</p>

<p>To be able to look at someone unlike you, to pinpoint the characteristics of that someone, and to explain what it is about that person that is unlike you, and in that way to understand more about yourself...that is the crux of your argument. That needed to be emphasized.</p>

<p>Okay, so I'm no longer going to be a very active member of this forum, because I'm busy! But once every while I'll come back up and post something.</p>

7

<p>overall i'd say it's very good. how long was it when you typed it out? there were some grammatical issues, for which i've provided suggested corrections below:</p>

<hr>

<p>Throughout history, man has asserted <em>HIS</em> identity through negation. . . . We attach meaning to our differences, and it is through those differences, through comparing ourselves to other people, that <em>WE</em> help establish our identity and sense of who we are. </p>

<p>. . . <em>PEOPLES OPPRESSED BY COLONIALISM</em> have struggled to establish their <em>IDENTITIES</em> by differentiating themselves from their colonizers. A prime example, which psychologist Frantz Fanon illustrates in his book, "A Dying Colonialism," <em>WAS</em> the Algerian national movement against the French colonial rule. . . . </p>

<p><em>COLUMBUS'S</em> accounts of the natives in America often portrayed them as savages. Similar <em>PHENOMENA</em> occurred in Africa, as Europeans, believing in the superiority of their race, felt it was their "burden" to civilize the uncivilized. . . .</p>

<h2>Whether looking to others to understand <em>YOURSELF</em> leads to virtue is questionable. <em>M</em>ore often than not, as history has shown, <em>IT</em> has led to subjugation and legitimized conflict. Humans will always develop their <em>IDENTITIES</em> through differences and negation, but virtue comes not from understanding our differences, but from embracing <em>THEM</em>, and <em>FROM</em> respecting the differences of others. It is from this that tolerance and moral virtue arise.</h2>

<p>those are, of course, just suggested edits. the main grammatical mistakes were shifting usage of pronouns and a few long sentences that kind of got away from you.</p>

<p>the clarity of thought was excellent. i especially liked the sentence "we are in essence what we are not," which was, i thought, particularly pithy and striking for an SAT essay. i was also impressed by the way you took the prompt in a slightly different direction than that suggested by the quote.</p>

<p>like everybody else, i'd put this in the 10-12 region. without the grammatical problems, and assuming it was pretty long (which i imagine it probably was), i think it'd be a solid 12.</p>