Grade my essay please.

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: What are your thoughts on teh idea that television has turned out to isolate people instead of bringing them together?</p>

<p>Nosense! Television is the mere essence that attracts many people to relax and enjoy with one another. The only people who become isolated by television are the ones destined to seek enjoyment from stires and folk-lore rather than socially.</p>

<p>The television offers many creative thinkers to express their ideas with an efficient medium. New stories that will cause the public to be in awe. People sit with each other to watch and discuss what is going on and analyze the show. Not only does it bring this strong correlation between friends and family, but internet forums dedicated to the sole talk of television have arised. There they socially discuss a popular television show. In effect, this also draws in the so-called isolated folk.</p>

<p>In addition, I my self am very fond of watchin television with family and friends. A couple of weeks ago, my friends and I decided to rent a movie called Superbad (I underlined it). This movie provoked constant laughter from us. However, when my friends were distant and I was bored, I decided to elucidate myself by viewing the movie again. Not even a single chuckle escaped my mouth, I need the sense of someone giggling along side with me to truly enjoy the movie. </p>

<p>On the contrary, parents are always lampooning, we -- every student alike -- should read books rather than watch T.V. This doesn't bring us together. THere's no sense of us being together and thinking the same thing if we all read a book together. What type of people get-together and just read a book anyways? Exactly -- not many -- so T.V. is the best option to bring us together. </p>

<p>It's blasphemy to say television isolates us from one another. Everyone enjoyos their experiences in front of the picture much more, if we watch together. Not only that but it brings those who are isolated, together, somewhere on cyber-space.</p>

<p>Please excuse the typos. I know it's not too good, but it's my second time writing a timed essay for the SATs.</p>

<p>Thank-you for grading.</p>

2

<p>This is very one-sided. It is really a very weak argument.</p>

<p>"The only people who become isolated by television are the ones destined to seek enjoyment from stires and folk-lore rather than socially." </p>

<p>This makes no sense. And don't use the word "only." You don't want to make such a statement in this essay. It shows narrow thinking.</p>

<p>"What type of people get together and just read a book anyway? Exactly --not many--so T.V. is the best option to bring us together."</p>

<p>This sentence is just so wrong. Your attitude toward this isn't very positive. You're assuming that people will just agree with you in saying that not many people get together for books. This too is narrow thinking. Don't take such a risk in 25 minutes. 25 minutes is not enough time to consider all your argument thorughly. There are book clubs--Oprah's book club is HUGE. In many newspapers there are sections devoted to bestselling authors and books. Whenever someone famous writes a book and it becomes a bestseller, people, even complete strangers, tend to talk about the book. You go to a bookstore and strangers talk about the latest book by a politician running for president, for instance. In elementary schools, middle schools, high schools, and colleges, people get together to discuss books. </p>

<p>My point in saying all this is that your essay shows a narrow thinking. You might have had strong feelings toward books when you wrote your essay, but looking back, you should be able to tell that in your essay you sound immature and narrow in your viewpoints.</p>

<p>Also, you say that "TV is the best option to bring us together." Again, this is an unsupported statement. If you think that TV is the best way to bring people together, that's fine, but if you are going to put it in writing, support your argument.</p>

<p>"It's blasphemy to say television isolates us from one another."</p>

<p>Oh, give me a break! Don't exaggerate. Your whole essay was unconvincing, and to put in this makes your essay even sillier and more ridiculous.</p>

<p>Consider the other side of the argument. Think about how television can isolate people, and include your ideas on that in your essay.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Focus on your argument. List reasons/evidence that suggests that TV brings people together. For example:</p></li>
<li><p>Television gives people a common bond; people can relate to others by TV.</p></li>
<li><p>Other reasons</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Then use those as topic sentences which you will support with evidence in your essay.</p>

<p>Television is such an interesting topic, partly because so many people watch it. It's impact on society is worth your consideration.</p>

<p>I went on Google and typed in "television unites people" and out came an interesting New York Times article from 1989: "TV Unites, and Divides, Hispanic Groups." Reading this might give you a better understanding of the question, even though it doesn't directly apply to the question. Reread your essay and see what changes can be made.</p>

<p>Here's the link:
TV</a> Unites, And Divides, Hispanic Groups - New York Times</p>

3

<p>Look at some guides on writing the SAT essay, especially the structure they are looking for. First, you need to choose one side of the question from the prompt--this you did, and you stated it in the first paragraph. The next few examples need to give examples from history, literature, or your own life to support your argument. Here, you give one example--of watching a movie on TV with friends. That's an OK example (although is watching a DVD really "television?"). But you need some broader examples--maybe how watching the Superbowl brings people together, or how people turn to TV when there is a national disaster or tragedy.</p>

4

<p>^ Those are very good suggestions and examples, and these examples are more convincing and appropriate for this prompt and audience.</p>

5

<p>Thanks a, you guys helped out a lot. I really appreciate it. Wow dchow08 thanks for being very thorough in your answer. Hunt, those are some great examples, I'll try to think of good ones like those when I take the real SAT. </p>

<p>Now time to go practice use your guys' advice. </p>

<p>and BTW, was my grammar correct and the choice of language? I posted this elsewhere and all of them were saying I speak like a foreigner and my grammar and fluidity was terrible. They said I should receive a 1 or a 2 on this paper.</p>

6

<p>I wouldnt go as far as to say thats a 1 or 2 ... lol
However, it defiantly needs work to make it a 10, 11, or 12 essay. </p>

<p>It does have grammatical errors, but not as many to impact your score dramatically, but enough to keep you from the +1 point. </p>

<p>Some examples:
"I my self am very fond of watchin television with family and friends."
- Never use "I my self" or "In my opinion I think" because its redundant and its considered a grammatical error.
"Everyone enjoyos their experiences in front of the picture much more, if we watch together"
- This can be reworded (fragment)
"However, when my friends were distant and I was bored"
- Notice "my friends WERE distant and I was bored." This is a 6-7 sentence, rephrase this to make an impact. Also it sounds weird.
"I decided to elucidate myself by viewing the movie again. Not even a single chuckle escaped my mouth"
- Try not to change tense so frequently. If you do change tenses, lets say from past to present when using an example, then try to make it so that its from paragraph to paragraph. </p>

<p>Anyways, good luck.</p>

7

<p>Make sure you know what words mean, especially big words. For example, "elucidate" is not used correctly in this essay.</p>

<p>I admit I did assume that you are not a native speaker of English when I read this essay. My best advice is to read a lot of good writing in English.</p>