Please grade my essay...4 days left, yikes!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Please grade this essay. I'm taking the SAT on March 1st. Any last minute tips/criticisms would be much appreciated. Also, thanks to everyone who graded my first essay, all your comments were very helpful and I am very grateful for all your responses!=)</p>

<p>Barron's Diagnostic Test Prompt:</p>

<p>"What are your thoughts on the idea that television has turned out to isolate people instead of bringing them together?"</p>

<p>My Response:</p>

<p>Excessive Television-viewing may have the effect of isolating people from a broader community, but more often, it serves to bring families closer together and make the world a smaller place.</p>

<p>Televisino isolates people with its exclusive programming that may cater only to a certain group of people. For example, teenage girls have said that they are too embarassed to watch shows like "Gossip Girl", a T.V. show about the drama in the scandalous lives of two Upper East Side NY girls, in front of their parents. Additionally, mothers will often make sure their children are tucked safely in bed before watching "Desperate Housewives", a show where almost every character has a past; either in terms of love affairs, criminal records, or hidden crimes like embezzling and murder. Shows with ratings like this prevent families from getting together. They prevent them from participating in more appropriate activities and prolong motivations for isolation.</p>

<p>Besides catering to only specific target audiences, television also promotes isolation through serving as a method by which people may vicariously view the world, thus eliminating the need to actually get out of the house and travel. Travel shows may make viewers content with merely seeing a place on screen. Additionally, telelvision hinders live discussion and places too much emphasis on appearances. Viewers of the Nixon-Kennedy debates were influenced not by the platforms of each candidate, but by their appearance. The younger, and more vivacious Kennedy easily emerged as the winner of the election over old, haggard Nixon. Thus, tv may render physical presence useless.</p>

<p>However, television may also bring people together. Footage of global disasters such as Hurricane Katrina, the Bangladeshi cyclone, AIDS victims in Africa, and the Iraq War all appeal to people's sympathy and fear; making the vats world a little more connected as relief packages pour into devastated places form all corners of the world. TV is a way to convey human emotion.</p>

<p>Also, tv brings people closer together through family shows that promote bonding. Families may get together for a relaxing evening of trivia on "Jeopardy" or sit down to support their favorite rising singer on "American Idol". Such activities are inspired by certain tv shows and function as vital bonding experiences. In such a way, tv may strengthen relationshps between people.</p>

<p>In conclusion, despite the ways television may isolate people, it is far more likely to function as a tool that brings people closer together by providing a media for communicating the unique, yet connected human experience of life.</p>

2

<p>i'd say 8/12. Weak intro, pretty good logic but use a couple of really strong, really detailed examples for higher scores. Never start conclusion with In conclusion, sounds so bad.... Also summarize without repeating in conclusion.</p>

<p>(coming from someone who got 12)
good luck</p>

3

<p>Thesis: fine.</p>

<p>First paragraph: fine.</p>

<p>Second body paragraph: I don't see how "rendering physical presence useless" relates to promoting isolation. It's a weak argument.</p>

<p>Third body paragraph: good. </p>

<p>Fourth body paragraph: Good, but overall, you do not argue in your essay that it is far more likely to function as a tool that brings people closer together. Reading your essay, it could be either way. It seems like you're sitting on the fence. You have good examples, but they don't suggest that TV brings people together MORE than isolate people. You certainly talk a lot more about isolating than uniting.</p>

<p>You could also go about your essay by bringing in the 3rd and 4th body paragraphs first, going into more detail. Then bring in a few examples of isolating, and show how that view is wrong. So don't just admit that the other side is arguable; make the other point, and then show that it is wrong.</p>

4

<p>I'd give it a 4 (out of 6). Some grammar errors distracted me. The conclusion in the second paragraph is weak; "ratings" is too vague and ambiguous and the last sentence is awkward.</p>

<p>The closing in the third paragraph corresponds to an argument that was made earlier in the paragraph but not the most recent argument, so it seems out of place and confusing. You might consider splitting the third paragraph into separate topics of disconnectedness and appearance.</p>

<p>Change "may" to "can" in the fourth paragraph opening. Perhaps strengthen the conclusion to this paragraph by mentioning something about how TV can not only convey human emotion but also serve to relieve human suffering?</p>

<p>Conclusion is nice, albeit a bit short. "In conclusion" can be a nice signal phrase, and I'm very fond of it. I think it's a stylistic choice. Do what you will; it doesn't sound bad to me.</p>

<p>You might reword the thesis and conclusion to just that TV both brings people together and isolates them. If you say that it more brings them together, you have to have more supports and examples for that, but here you have the contrary.</p>

<p>I like your sentence structure and diction. Easy to read and smooth transitions.</p>

<p>Good luck on Saturday!</p>