<p>Please grade it like a sat grader would.(No more than 45 sec 1-12)
took up 1.75 pages in the blue book
barrons writing book said to have a shorter more on point intro, so i tried it</p>
<p>Can Knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit?</p>
<pre><code> Everyday innovators are coming up with new ideas and technologies that will change our lives forever(for better or for worse) But the question is if we really need all this knowledge. Our society is a melting pot of knowledge and it hurts us more than it helps us.
A great example of the dangers of knowledge would be war. Millions of lives have been wasted away because of technology created by human knowledge; almost always for trivial reason. Sure some animals kill and fight but never to the level which humans hate other humans. And only one thing separates us from our closely related animals: knowledge. It is what has gotten us to the very top of our food chain and if we are not careful knowledge will soon be the downfall of humans.
Our knowledge is not only burdensome on us but the life all around us. Our knowledge has indirectly created problems like global worming (through technology) which is clearly having a deleterious effect on our delicate planet. Now we so desperately need our knowledge to dig us out of this ditch that it has gotten us into.
One of the most clear and undeniable consequences of knowledge is stress. Its the same for almost all of us:we go to school to gain knowledge and then we find ways to use it. But on a more rudimentary level we are always looking for knowledge as humans. And we eventually are over stressed by it. Sure knowledge may be power but at that cost? When we look at animals in the wild they are definitely not as smart as us but the sure do seem a lot happier.
As we grow up we are taught that knowledge is everything, and if you don't have it you won't get anywhere. But in the larger scope of things the burdens and pitfalls of knowledge are very clear, from war to global warming, there is no doubt that knowledge is burdensome to us and those around us.
</code></pre>
<p>Didnt fix any grammar</p>
<p>3/6</p>
<p>Yankeesfan,</p>
<p>The single greatest flaw in your essay is that you do not stay on point long enough to actually make your point. It looks to me that you are writing as you think, and your thoughts are moving from point to point faster than you are putting them down on paper.</p>
<p>“Millions of lives have been wasted away because of technology created by human knowledge; almost always for trivial reason. Sure some animals kill and fight but never to the level which humans hate other humans. And only one thing separates us from our closely related animals: knowledge. It is what has gotten us to the very top of our food chain and if we are not careful knowledge will soon be the downfall of humans.”</p>
<p>I count 7 ideas in that passage. At least, I think you intended 7 different ideas.</p>
<ol>
<li> The technology of war creates death on a massive scale.</li>
<li> We fight wars for trivial reasons.</li>
<li> Aggression among other animals is fierce, but limited to a smaller scale.</li>
<li> Human aggression is characterized by an emotional intensity that is far greater than that which animals display in their conflicts.</li>
<li> Knowledge is a trait that distinguishes humans from other animals.</li>
<li> That knowledge has made humans the most powerful species of animal.</li>
<li> That knowledge may result in human self-destruction.</li>
</ol>
<p>Of those 7 ideas, the first 4 are fragmented and incomplete. Your points about stress are quite similar.</p>
<p>A second related problem:</p>
<p>“Our knowledge is not only burdensome on us but the life all around us. Our knowledge has indirectly created problems like global worming (through technology) which is clearly having a deleterious effect on our delicate planet. Now we so desperately need our knowledge to dig us out of this ditch that it has gotten us into.”</p>
<p>This paragraph contains contrary ideas. First, knowledge has caused a problem, therefore it is harmful. Second, we need knowledge to get us out of the mess our knowledge has created. You need to explore this conflict of ideas further. You also need to give concrete details to support your points. How does technology cause global warming and what are the ‘deleterious effects’ of it? (These points can be made by simply mentioning them; you don’t have to write pages about each idea.)</p>
<p>Both of the points I’ve made about your presentation of ideas point to a concern about time that outweighs a concern about presenting ideas clearly and completely. I think your essay contains enough ideas to score higher, but they need to be clearly stated, developed and supported, and coherent.</p>