Please grade my first essay

<p>This is my first essay that I've written. Could you grade it for me please and also give me some pointers and tips on how to improve it. It would be very helpful.</p>

<p>PROMPT: Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit? </p>

<p>"Humans are the most intellectual and imaginative creatures to set foot on this earth. Since our existence we have discovered methods for the creation of fire, artificial light, television, and medicine. We have solved so many of our world's mysteries and secrets. But, has our knowledge taken us too far? Have we stepped into an age in which our advances and knowledge become burdensome? From global warming to robotic policies to our inflated ego to 'super bugs', human knowledge may be on the verge of becoming a burden.</p>

<p>Global warming is a daily reminder of the consequences of our technologies, which are a direct product of our vast knowledge as a species. Greenhouse gas levels are increasing exponentially in our atmosphere resulting in the demise of species, destruction of ecosystems, loss of biodiversty, and even an increase in extreme weather. There is a definite correlation between increasing temperatures and extreme weather which is resulting in unbelievable destruction such as the destruction during Hurricane Katrina. A direct result of the internal combustion engine and the aggregation of greenhouse gas emitting energy sources, global warming is a burden due to our human knowledge and our advances in technology.</p>

<p>In 2005, the Korean government was faced with an interesting, yet disturbing dilemma. The advances in robotic technology in the extremely modern society called for "Robot Policies" to be drawn up to prevent future robots from being abused by their owners and vice versa. An estimate for their government suggests that robots may carry out surgery by the year 2035. These advancements, a amazing as they seem, are turning burdensome. Many policies, rules, and regulations are being formulated to keep everyone's rights in place. Who would've thought the day would come when robots would need their own 'voices' to be heard! Studies say that robots may even become children's best friends after the mass production of domestic robots beings in the future. This poses variegated ethical issues and poses to be a major issue in the future. Our human knowledge and mind has led to such a situation.</p>

<p>The human mind and knowledge results in our arrogance and callous attitude. We, as a whole, think that we are head and shoulders above anything to ever set foot on our planet. This leads to less consideration to the devastation that we are causing across our planet. We feel that if it isn't related to us, then it doesn't matter. This should not be the case. Our human knowledge has isolated us from the rest of the planet and has left a gaping hole in our place in the planet's natural system. Our knowledge of medicine and antibiotics has resulted in resistance bacteria known as super bugs. MRSA, along with other bugs are spreading throughout the globe posing a looming future threat.</p>

<p>Therefore, human knowledge has now become burdensome. it has created global, ethical, moral, and many other issues. We have been given a gift. A gift that allows us to think about the future and find solutions to problems, but now it seems like we are doing much of the opposite. Our knowledge should be treated carefully. However, in the end, humans have always developed solutions to problems. So, let's hope that we can rid of these burdens by using our immense knowledge."</p>

<p>So, what do you think. Could you give me a score on the 1/12 scale? I am trying to figure out my score for my practice test. Any tips, advice or anything would be awesome! Thanks....oh and the part about the robot policies is true, I read about it in business class, but it was vague in my memory, so it kind of sounds unprofessional when I don't list the actual sources for the study and such. I just don't remember.</p>

<p>That’s a LOT of text for two handwritten pages. You must have tiny handwriting! If you typed your practice essay, don’t do it again. Your practice essays should be handwritten and timed, as close as possible to real test conditions.</p>

<p>Your intro is very good, and I know exactly where you’re headed. You state your position clearly and you take one side of the argument. Great!</p>

<p>The global warming example is also very good, and I can clearly see the relationship to your thesis. The robot example is bit of a stretch. I see your point, but you don’t connect that dots well. What SPECIFICALLY is a burden about robots? You’re vague in your references to laws/ethical problems. And what does pointing out that robots need laws to protect them specifically have to do with your argument? Is creating new laws REALLY a burden? This paragraph is weaker than the first one.</p>

<p>Your third paragraph muddles together two examples. You’re much better off picking one of them, and elaborating more. The antibiotics example is really a very good one; you just don’t spend enough time on it. Your points about the human ego are a MAJOR stretch, and to make it work, you’d have to spend pretty much your whole essay (or a whole book) explaining it. A general rule is to never take on an example that requires more than three sentences to fully explain to your reader. </p>

<p>Your conclusion rambles a bit, but it’s OK. Pare it down to two or three succinct sentences that sum up what you’ve said. It’s fine, too, to make a point about the future, but make it only once.</p>

<p>And don’t worry about references, the readers don’t care and wouldn’t check them anyway! This is probably about an 8-9 as it is now. The main criticism is just making sure that every word is relevant and on-topic. Good luck to you.</p>

<p>thanks! i love to hear helpful criticism especially since I’m just starting to write essays. Yea, I thought that the antibiotics idea was good but I thought of it so late in the process of writing, that I didn’t have time/space for another paragraph so I tried fitting it in somewhere lol. </p>

<p>My third paragraph is pretty bad. I should’ve scrapped the ego idea and focused on the super bugs because I actually know more about that. And my conclusion was a fail lol.</p>

<p>I did actually write all that out, except I used 1 and a half extra lines to do so. I have small, cursive writing so I managed to fit all of it. Time wont be an issue for my essays, its just trying to make sure I don’t repeat myself and write very well. I went through 16 foolscap pages for my history exam last yr. in 1.75 hours lol, so cramming is not a problem haha. And I went over the time limit by 1/2 a minute.</p>

<p>Did it make sense that the prompt asked if knowledge was a burden, but I kinda turned it into our knowledge leading to technology, and then that leading to burdens? I didn’t know if I was going off topic. Also, how is my writing and vocabulary? I don’t know a lot of vocabulary, so did my essay sound kiddish or amateur? How about the varied sentence structure? Did I have that?</p>

<p>Actually, your reasoning of knowledge to technology is fine. Glad to help. You’ll have it down by test day, so just keep practicing.</p>

<p>This is a really good essay.</p>

<p>thanks Swams004. I need to do some research before I write the SAT. I have lots of time, I’m writing in May, so I want to look up for some examples that I can use for different essay prompts and such using historical examples, examples from literature, and so on. Kind of like that “write a 12 essay in 10 days” but only the part about looking up examples…I don’t feel like memorizing “templates” and “plugging them in”. I think I’ll just wing it. haha.
Also, if I fixed up the conclusion and maybe made the paragraph with 2 topics in it into 2 short, concise paragraphs and made the robotics paragraph explain why it is burdensome, would I get an 11? Or maybe even a 12?</p>

<p>Thanks cornetking222.</p>

<p>Anyone else can score it out of 12 too. If you wouldn’t know for sure, then you don’t need to score, just try to give me pointers and advice. My conclusion is weak, I need to work on that. Any advice would be helpful, such as swans004’s advice. </p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p>bump…can a couple more people grade this essay? With a couple more grades then I can figure out what score I should use for my essay when calculating my Writing section. </p>

<p>Also, if you’ve written the SAT before and been graded your opinion is VERY valuable to me. Any pointers would be great too.</p>