Grade my Essay (SAT)

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<p>Excerpt:
“No great man live in vain. The history of the world is but biography of great men.
Adapted from Thomas Carlyle, “The Hero of Divinity”</p>

<p>In historic events, the so-called great men are labels giving names to events and like labels they have but the smallest connection to the event itself.
Adapted from Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace</p>

<p>Assignment: Can the daily actions of average people have a significant impact on the course of history?</p>

<p>Whenever we examine the focal point of history in any period, we are certain to encounter the course of history changed by consolidated dynamics of the masses. Every common man’s daily actions, opinions, and experiences have equal likelihood towards moving the course of history especially when they represent the popular sentiments associated with a certain period.
When Internet was first introduced to the world, history was not only made by those who built this revolutionary information technology, but also made by the Internet users who readily embraced this new technological revolution then with great enthusiasm into their daily lives. The pioneer Internet users’ great curiosity for exploring the Internet and faith in its immense possibilities and capabilities ensured that the Internet become a dynamic and enduring force in the course of the Information Technology era. The pioneer users who are basically average people like you and me were responsible for ensuring that the Internet was not just a passing fad to be forgotten in history.
Ordinary peasants, farmers and the general public played a major part in the birth of the French Revolution, lasting from 1789 to 1799 and forever changing the historical course of the country. Dissatisfied with the oppressive feudal systems and unfair taxations, the common men revolted against the constitutional monarch system that had given unfair favoritism to the nobility at the expenses of the average citizen. Long suffering average citizens oppressed daily by the unfair class systems came together with the humble peasants to demand equality for all. The French Revolution quintessentially represented the common men’s struggles and battle. Thus, the consolidated force of dissatisfaction and sentiments of the common men was proved to be not something to be taken lightly when they overthrew the King, and declared France as a republic.
Average people play a great role in writing and rewriting history almost every second. Every common men’s action has a repercussion, though sometimes may not be readily obvious, in the course of history through every generation and period.</p>

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<p>I know my essay is average at best. Probably sucks :) But I hope u guys can give ur opinions on how to make my essay better.</p>

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<p>Hmm.. well for a heads up... I don't know if I'm the most qualified person to help.. but I'll surely try ;)</p>

<p>Well right off the bat, I noticed that your intro felt a little heavy. I don't know... it seemed a little difficult to swallow. The examples are good, though the Internet one can be debatable. So, I think my main issue is your sentence structure. You're sentences are very long. "The pioneer Internet users’ great curiosity..." That's a bit wordy O.O Try having more sentence variety.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>The prompt itself is pretty clear enough. And I think its difficulty is moderate. The example about "Internet" is a good one. But because its usage still prolongs today, it does not create a sense of historical atmosphere. The second example upon French Revolution is indeed a brilliant and perspicacious choice. Since it represents the common ground of "the mass", that is, people. I think if you can spend more time to dwell upon this issue, the score should be improved drastically.</p>

<p>You should also use paragraph to lay out your overall structure. Each example should receive one paragraph, that is how I approach an essay.</p>

<p>Also, because you choose French Revolution, why don't you continue with examples of The Red October Revolution in 1917 of Russia, or a battle of Napoleon for instance. I think you have improved a lot, but the correlation between the two examples you give should be maintained in order to enhance the inherance of the entire essay.</p>

<p>Good job, you are a diligent student. :)</p>

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<p>Thanks guys for the feedbacks.
kcfan, ur right. My sentences are too long winded. Have 2 practice on tht.
cuong, I used paragraphs. It just did not show properly here on the thread.</p>

<p>Anyone else care to give a grade for my essay. How much can I get for this?</p>

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<p>Only and last bump :)</p>