Grade my essay

College Essays
1

<p>Some people believe that very few of today's "inventions" are really new. Inventions today seem to consist primarily of improvements to things that have already been invented. Medicines, it is said, may be better, and vehicles may be faster, but they are really not new or different. In reality, we have not even begun to exhaust the supply of original ideas or new inventions. There is much more for us to invent and discover.</p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT: Is there really much more for people to invent and discover in the world today? </p>

<pre><code> Science has no definite time; inventions and discoveries exist in all time. Many people believe that the science belongs only to the past, and scientists such as Mendel, Thomas Edison, and Einstein are the only scientists. However, I, myself, believe that the opposite is true, and that many scientists and inventors exist nowadays. Dr. Mostafa Elsayed, Zahy Hawas, and Mahmoud Ahmed exemplify my point of view.
Dr. Mostafa Elsayed, an Egyptian scientist, invented a cure for cancer. After his wife's death by cancer, Dr. Mostafa worked on a cure for cancer. Dr. Mostafa discovered that nano gold particles have a boiling point of 38c, which is sufficient to kill infected cells;consequently, he injected nano gold particles into the patient's body, then heated the body by radiation, so the infected cells died, but the pure ones were not affected. Is Dr. Mostafa a scientist who belongs to the past? Of course, he is a modern one.
Dr. Zahy Hawas, an Egyptian archaeologist, recently discovered the tomb of an Egyptian Pharaoh called Tout An Khamoun. Many people believed that all of the Pharaohs' tombs were discovered, and there will be no new discoveries, but Dr. Hawas proved the opposite,although he is a modern archaeologist.
Mahmoud Ahmed, an Egyptian student, invented a charger that works with the sun's energy. During his studies on the plant, Mahmoud Ahmed knew that the plant consists of chlorophyll, which attracts sunlight and transfers it to energy to make the plant's food. Mr. Ahmed concluded that he can extract the chlorophyll and make a source of sunlight energy. This invention could be used instead of silicon sunlight's stations that is costly. Mr. Ahmed is living nowadays and I even saw him on television yesterday!
In a nutshell, the insights I have gleaned from the aforementioned examples confirm me more and more that discoveries and inventions belong not only to the past, but also to our time.
</code></pre>

2

<p>First of all, is this question for a school assignment or an application? If it’s for school none of this feedback will apply, but if it’s an application essay, then you could tweak a few things.</p>

<p>I’m sure you’ve heard your English teacher say “Avoid the 5 paragraph format!” Well, it still applies. Don’t make it look like an English essay you did the night before, make it applicable to the school you’re applying to; throw a professor’s name or the name of one of their colleges in there. If you’re having trouble coming up with other ideas for a format, talk to your English teacher, I’m sure they’d be glad to help.</p>

<p>As far as I can see (I didn’t look too close) it’s free of grammatical errors, but you can make your tone seem a bit more academic. For example, in the first sentence, you could change “exist in all time” to “throughout the course of history,” or “since the formation of the enterprise itself.” Change “nowadays” towards the end of the first paragraph to “today.” You DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT want to appear folksy or “cute” in your essay, you want to show you’re an intelligent student that can survive in a college atmosphere and contribute to a student body.</p>

3

<p>This is my SAT essay, so plz rate it from a scale of 1-12. Anyway thanks alot ohmstead I got your point.
Note: On the real exam it scored 8…does it deserve more, less or just the same ?</p>

4

<p>There are stylistic nuances that turn me off, like clustered repetitive words/phrases (“more and more”) and some word choices ohmstead got at.</p>

<p>Looking past these, I’d agree with the score due to the solid examples. What may be lacking is tying these examples back in with more personal input rather than stating what the people did and moving onto the next paragraph so quickly. Within the body of the essay there may be a lack of flow, but that’s my opinion. </p>

<p>Work on rephrasing and adding more in the body paragraphs that support your thesis aside from explaining what someone did (adding more WHY to the WHAT). GL : )</p>

5

<p>I thought you wrote the essay at the test? I took the ACT so maybe I’m wrong. If it is at testing time and you don’t know the topic, just practice outlines and how to make thesis’, what to include in a paragraph, and how to conclude. I don’t see much of an outline in this essay right here, and it seems very disorganized and ill-planned. Perhaps start from scratch with a new outline. Ask yourself, what can I add to this essay that will make it different - try to expand beyond the basic “i agree with the point or i disagree.” [that doesn’t mean saying you’re undecided]</p>

<p>Well you’re first sentence is really messy. It’s confusing and isn’t worded properly. </p>

<p>And I have to disagree very much with your thesis that “people think science belongs to the past” ??? I’m pretty sure the very opposite is true. A great scientific revolution has been developing over the past few centuries (Novum Orangnum is a good place to start), and is just now truly taking off and expanding across the world.
And the scientists you mentioned are not from very long ago, so your point isn’t exactly strong. I wouldn’t call Edison a scientist, he was an inventor.</p>

<p>The question isn’t, “list examples of present-day scientists.” It’s also not even asking about scientists, just discoveries. What you need to do is either support or argue the perspective that ‘there isn’t really anything left to invent.’ You can include examples of what has been done, but perhaps you can find areas of research that are constantly evolving due to new discoveries. We are developing so much technology that lets us study things that we never could before. (An easy example is genetics - look at how we’ve moved from Mendel’s pea plants, Darwin’s controversial theory, to molecular biology, decoding the human genome, etc.)</p>

<p>Your concluding sentence seems terribly out of place stylistically. “In a nutshell, the insights I have gleaned from the aforementioned examples confirm me more and more that discoveries and inventions belong not only to the past, but also to our time.” Did you use thesaurus? It sounds unnatural and bombastic.</p>

<p>And also DON’T USE FIRST PERSON!!!. It’s not asking you how you reaffirm yourself of your own opinion - it’s asking you to persuade others of your thesis. That means not talking about yourself. </p>

<p>Try not to be so colloquial and cutesy, as another poster mentioned. Phrases such as “I just saw him on tv,” “in a nutshell,” and “nowadays” are not really appropriate for an academic essay.</p>

<p>I don’t see any introductory, transitional, and concluding sentences in your body paragraphs. You want to state each argument in the beginning and the end for each paragraph.
Also, make sure your thesis is extremely clear, it’s usually toward the end of your 1st paragraph. An easy formula is ‘topic + your position on topic - because of reason 1, 2, and 3.’ If that makes sense - don’t actually say “i believe” just say like “there are always new discoveries to make because…” (terrible sentence btw, don’t use this example).</p>

<p>I know I’m harsh when I edit, and I know I only told you what was wrong and not really gave you an answer to your problems. Hopefully you can figure that out yourself…
I don’t intend to make you feel bad about your work so far, but I want you to recognize ways you can improve it.</p>

6

<p>Thanks all for your help. I was in strong need for your notes</p>