Grade My Essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I've been a lurker here for awhile but with the June SAT quickly approaching, I thought I'd ask for some feedback. I ended up finishing this essay in 18 mins for some odd reason so I feel like it's incomplete but here goes. </p>

<p>Prompt: With our modern awareness of ecology are we likely to make sufficient progress in conservation, or are we still in danger of damaging the earth beyond repair? Plan your response, and then write an essay...</p>

<p>No matter how aware we are of the consequences, I fully believe that we are quickly heading on a direct collision course with irreparable damage to our Earth. Three examples of why I believe this are the overjustification bias, Al Gore's presentation on global warming and its reaction, and the novel Ishmael by Daniel Quinn.</p>

<p>The overjustification bias is a psychological term used to explain the innate bias we have to ideas we already have conceived. For example, if I believe starving myself will result in effective weight loss, I will be more inclined to follow this montra and more readily disregard evidence that recants it. This contributes to the idea the humans will in fact damage our Earth beyond repair because it shows human nature dictates we will continue to rationalizae our actions until it is too late to fix the damage.</p>

<p>In the early 2000s, Al Gore, the vice president of the United States, did a presentation on a phenomenon coined global warming. Although to many the evidence presented was sufficient to conclude we need to change, many completely disregarded his warnings and continued to do as they always had. This reaction to valid evidence of an imminent threat is indicative of human nature to follow the motto "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and is precisely why I believe we will damage our Earth quite extensively.</p>

<p>Another example of why we will damage our Earth irreparably is presented vicariously through the ideas shown in Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. Quinn vividly describes humanity as either "takers" or "leavers" with the great majority falling under the taker category. The human propensity to take more than is needed is a major contributing factor that strengthens my belief that humans are doomed to wreck devastation on our Earth.</p>

<p>Although it is unintentional, the overjustification bias, the reaction to Al Gore's presentation, and the novel Ishmael all enforce the idea of humans inevitably causing irreparable damage to the Earth. Simply take a look around and ask yourself, what are we doing to preserve our environment?</p>

<p>So there it is, I want you to be ruthless with your criticism and if you can, give me an honest opinion roughly on what it would receive.</p>

2

<p>I’m pretty ruthless, BUT…</p>

<p>This is strong. It’s not a six, but it’s a five. It’s the best one I’ve seen here since the last SAT.</p>

<p>—Remove the first- and second-person pronouns.</p>

<p>—Elaborate a little farther on your examples. This is not to say write longer examples. Rather, go farther in your ANALYSIS of said examples.</p>

<p>—In some places, you’re unnecessarily wordy.</p>

<p>You’ve misspelled “mantra” and you’ve misused “recant” (“contradicts” is a better choice), but those are minor quibbles.</p>

<p>For more detailed comments, feel free to PM me as I don’t want to spend time making suggestions that you might not heed (or, for that matter, read).</p>

3

<p>Please grade my essay as well.
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?p=16005785[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?p=16005785&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

4

<p>First off, thanks for reviewing I appreciate it. I would PM you but I lack the required 15 posts so… yeah. However, I thought that first person pronouns were acceptable because of the fact this is a personal opinion? Should I leave these out unless I am writing about a personal experience? And thanks for pointing out the second person, I’ve always had a problem with that. I also noticed I misspelled mantra as I was retyping it on here but figured that mistake was negligible anyways. Just one more question, what should I specifically improve to make it a sure six next time, just deeper analysis and a thorough proofreading for awkward sentence structure? Thanks in advance to anyone who answers.</p>

5

<p>I thought that first person pronouns were acceptable because of the fact this is a personal opinion? Should I leave these out unless I am writing about a personal experience? And thanks for pointing out the second person, I’ve always had a problem with that. I also noticed I misspelled mantra as I was retyping it on here but figured that mistake was negligible anyways.</p>

<p>First-person is only okay if you’re writing about something that happened to YOU.</p>

<p>You are correct that the misspelling doesn’t matter. The readers don’t care about spelling unless it really detracts from the paper.</p>

6

<p>How would you recommend rewording a sentence such as my first one without the first person then? I simply don’t know how to put it into third person. Should I just replace it all together?</p>

7

<p>No matter how aware we are of the consequences, I fully believe that we are quickly heading on a direct collision course with irreparable damage to our Earth.</p>

<p>No matter how aware we are of the consequences, we are quickly heading on a direct collision course with irreparable damage to our Earth.</p>

8

<p>Your name is on the test.</p>

9

<p>The other “I” sentence that drew my attention was the hypothetical about starvation.</p>

<p>In that case, use of “I” is acceptable. (However, you can find a better point of evidence. “If…then” stuff is weak.)</p>

10

<p>But that sentence still contains second person with “we” doesnt it? I’m actually not sure what point of view that is categorized as but I don’t think it’s third. Sorry for my ignorance with this subject, but why is “we” acceptable while “I” isn’t? And I actually wrote another essay last night and was wondering if you would mind skimming it also or if that is too much to ask. Unfortunately I did not get your feedback before writing it so it most likely is also chock full of first/second person confusion but I was just wondering if I was still on the right track or if this one was a fluke as my SAT is tomorrow morning.</p>

11

<p>Sorry—I’m dealing with my own clients/students while trying to answer your questions. Give me a moment or two please.</p>

12

<p>“We” is not as strong as commenting on a specific person or event, but it’s better than “I.”</p>

<p>At least “our” names aren’t on your paper.</p>

<p>“I” is pure filler (unless it deals with a personal anecdote) while “we” is merely generic.</p>

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<p>I completely understand that your life consists of more than helping me, don’t even worry about taking your own time to respond. Thanks for all of your help thus far, hopefully I remember to use it. One final question when you get a chance, would it be stronger to go two literary and one historical or something like I did with Psychology thrown in, or do they like to see a personal example?</p>

14

<p>I want to help and I enjoy helping. Don’t sweat it. Later this evening I should have time to address as many questions as you might have.</p>

<p>Personal examples are generally the weakest because most kids use lame and obvious ones (bullying, etc.). Lit and history are generally (again, not always) stronger because they tend to be more specific. Specific evidence leads to more direct analysis.</p>

<p>As for your question about two-lit/one-history…</p>

<p>The ratio doesn’t matter. What matters is that you answer the question thoroughly and insightfully.</p>

<p>Use the evidence that best supports your argument and about which you are able to offer unique and original insight.</p>

15

<p>I’ll be back at around 6:30 my time. (I’m on the west coast.)</p>

<p>That’s about an hour and a half from right now.</p>

16

<p>Alright thanks for all of your help again. Later I will post my last practice essay that I will write while I take my last full practice test and maybe that will coincide with when you have more time. Again, thanks a ton.</p>

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<p>You’re welcome! I’ll be up late, so ask away. TTYL (if people still say that).</p>

18

<p>Haha yeah that is still in for now. I just finished my essay and I have to say the topic took me by surprise and I drew a blank for the first 5 minutes so hopefully this is an accurate indicator of my lowest possible outcome. But anyways, here it is:</p>

<p>Prompt: Is creativity needed more than ever in the world today? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>What makes a human being any different from a computer? They both weigh input and output a plan of action right? But what a computer does not have, not yet anyways, is abstract reasoning; also known as creativity. Three examples of why creativity is needed now more than ever are presented in The Assault by Harry Mulisch. the successes of Mark Zuckerburg, and the victory in the American Revolution.</p>

<p>The Assault by Harry Mulisch features a main character who due to a traumatic childhood experience, is stunted emotionally. This debility of emotion in effect causes him to become overly logic oriented and less inclined to employ emotional reasoning. This leads him to make decisions in life that constantly result in him ending up in the exact same situation. It is not until he lets go of his repressed childhood and fosters his creativity that he is able to go on living. This literary example exemplifies the possible repurcussions of the absense of creativity, and it isn’t pretty.</p>

<p>The success of the youngest billionaire to date Mark Zuckerburg can be largely attributed to his creativity. He took an idea that already existed and added his own creative flare and ended up creating the second most visited website in the world, Facebook. People before him had done similar things but his creativity is what sparked the revolution. In an exponentially progressing world, it is no longer about what you do, but how you do it.</p>

<p>Another brilliant example of the need for creativity today is the American Revolution. Facing seemingly insurmountable odds, the Americans were able to defeat the world’s most powerful army at the time through creative tactics such as guerilla warfare and Paul Revere’s ride. Today we find ourselves facing similarly dire situation with an ever increasing debt while fighting two wars with new news of civil unrest emerging every direction you turn. If we are to ever get out of this mess, some creative solution must be employed because logic dictates that we are on a fast track to no where at this rate.</p>

<p>The importance of creativity is adequately presented by the main character of The Assault, the success of Mark Zuckerburg, and the American Revolution but the extent to which creativity is beneficial has far greater reaches. In a world of abundent crises and emerging technology, their is a greater need for creativity now more than ever.</p>

<p>Again, ruthless criticism with a rough estimate of a score if you don’t mind.</p>