<p>Prompt:
Do material possessions make us truly happy?</p>
<p>Essay:
Materials possessions do not make us truly happy. Shopaholics are a
perfect example of how material possessions do not truly happy us
happy, they always want more. The philosophy of Buddhism is another
example of how materials possessions do not truly make us happy.</p>
<p>The actions of shopaholics clearly demonstrate how material
possessions never satisfy their inner needs. They are always in need
of something new, never content with that they have. Always
purchasing the newest item they do not have. The addiction only
continues to worsen as they purchase more items, on the contrary their
shopping addiction improves as they spend less and realize that the
material possessions serve no real purpose in their lives. Hence, the
actions of shopaholics prove that materials possessions do not truly
make us happy.</p>
<p>The major objective of Buddhism is to reach enlightenment, which
includes letting go of all material possessions and truly
understanding ourselves without the need of extrinsic forces. Letting
go of all external influences, and truly understanding ourselves is
really the only way to truly become happy because material possessions
may please us for a short period, but they lose their meaning, value,
and eventually become uninteresting. Instead we should use
meditation, and other forms of inner understanding to become happy.
Thus, enlightenment exemplifies how material possessions do not make
us truly happy.</p>
<p>After analyzing how material goods affect shopaholics and the
exclusion of material goods in Buddhism, we can see the material goods
do not, indeed, truly make us happy. Materials goods may please us
momentarily but they do not truly make us happy.</p>
<p>Criticism I've gotten so far:
What the Essay Does Well:</p>
<ul>
<li>Your argument is very clear from the outset; we know exactly what position you'll be taking with respect to the prompt.</li>
<li>Your examples are relevant and clearly support your argument. I liked that you used an example from both sides - people who obsess over their possessions and those who don't need them at all.</li>
<li>You've got some great detail in the Buddhism paragraph that nicely supports your argument.</li>
</ul>
<p>Where to Improve:</p>
<p>*Some more specific details would be helpful, especially in the shopaholic paragraph. If you had data, evidence, or a specific story, for example, it would better support the overall argument.
*Try to write a separate introductory paragraph that will introduce the question, your response/argument, and the examples you'll use. This flows into the next tip...
*Try to explain "why" you argue what you do. So WHY specifically do material possessions not make us happy? You show us people who are never satisfied with possessions and those who don't need possessions for happiness, but we don't get a sense of why material possessions don't satisfy our needs.
*Essays that score 5s and 6s generally exhibit varied sentence structure. While your sentences are well-formed, they generally have the same rhythm and length. Try to mix sentence lengths (long, short, medium) and structures to help increase the essay's flow.</p>