SAT November 2013 Essay

Hi, every body please grade my essay out of 12 and give me some advices. I am preparing for November SAT. Thanks in advance !!

Prompt 1 :
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

We are often reminded that acquiring and owning material possessions—money, property, jewelry, even clothing—will not lead to true happiness. While it is certainly true that material possessions alone cannot bring happiness or provide us with genuine meaning in life, there is something to be said for having material possessions. Not only can they make us comfortable, but the happiness they can provide, while it may be momentary, is still happiness.

Assignment: Do material possessions make us truly happy? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Essay :

In the age of millennial generation, material processions and wealth define what a status a person has in society. But, money, as I believe, shapes only a superficial and an irreverent image about the person. It cannot convey how happy he is. Significantly, I think that material processions give people a fake and ephemeral happiness. Money, instead, deprive people from the joy of life.

Mother Teresa was a philanthropist and a kind-hearted woman who believed that money can by no mean make her happy and mirthful. She had a different perspective, believing that emotional support to other, care and share are only catalysts for a warmed life because spirituality and devotion remove anger and resentment from person and thus take off the burden he carry of envy and cupidity. Her approach was clear and straightforward: money, power and material processions have wrought too much havoc to the world, so it’s better for us to set aside our desires for money and procession in order to be truly happy and pure.

Louis XVI, the last king of France who was toppled by enraged people in 1789, possessed a huge amount of historical pieces, an astronomical part of French people hard-labor money and a wide range of Jewelry. In fact, all these processions made him enjoy his life and illustrate his lavish spending while Third-Class was suffering from hunger, epidemic diseases and illiteracy. His momentaneous happiness with his processions came to end when he was captured from Versailles Palace, brought to justice and then executed. At this point, one could see how disastrous material processions are. Fictionally, had he spent wisely and own wisely, Louis XVI would probably avoid such an appalling demise. Clearly, all his processions couldn’t serve him, but became a bullet proof of his corruption and dishonesty. His money brought sorrow, grief, despair and finally an agonizing death to him.

Therefore, material processions are necessary for the wellbeing and the thrive of a nation or an individual. But, true happiness and everlasting bliss came from spirituality, fraternity and compassion. Heavily relying on money is rather shortsighted and catastrophic.

Examples are fine, but maybe transition them a little better, perhaps?

Also, jewelry and third-class are not usually capitalized, and it is spelled “possessions.” There are also some small grammar issues.

As MITer94 said, your examples are great and your analysis is thorough. However, I think you could have improved the introductory paragraph, mostly in grammar and not in logic. You switched between “person” and “people,” making it less parallel and a bit choppy.

Also, you refer to a gender-neutral noun “person” as a “he,” which is incorrect. “He or she,” on the other hand, is a correct pronoun replacement for “person.” I would recommend using “people” instead of “person” because you can then just refer to “people” as “they,” instead of “person” as “he or she.”

Just my two cents. Overall great essay, definitely within the 10-12 range.

@NextNexus: Thanks you I really appreciate your help !
@MITer94: Thank you for your remarks. Do you think that my essay could be a 12 or 11.