<p>Owning lots of property, money, jewelries etc will not lead us to true happiness as it is truly said that "Money cannot buy us happiness". In today's world most of the people are behind acquiring lots of money, property, trying to improve their lifestyle, which they are thinking is important, but its not. There are many people in this world who didn't have those extraordinary commodities and gadgets but today they are at the top of this world. For example : Mahatma Gandhi, A.P.J Abdul kalam.</p>
<p>Here's an example:
Two boys of same age were studying in college, one was a rich boy and the other was poor.
The rich boy always enjoyed all the new gadgets, had all sort of commodities, but the poor boy had nothing. The rich boy always used to show off with the new gadgets he had and due that the poor boy felt very low.
It is not always necessary that to enjoy life we need lots of money. We can even enjoy with less money. There are many people in this world who were not much rich but enjoyed their life to their fullest without any high commodity.</p>
<p>Here's another example:
A person going to abroad for a reason for earning more money so that he can live a better lifestyle over there but missing the small joys* and happiness with his family. He cannot enjoy those special moments with his family
So it is better to realise that money and property is not much important in our life. From the above explanation and example it can be beleived that money, property etc are not always necessary for us to enjoy a happy life..</p>
<p>I’d give you a 2, so you’d get a 4. You are using simple sentences, and it’s not sounding like you really wrote something good. It’s just like you’re giving us two examples and that’s it. Wait for others to grade it.</p>
<p>I agree- I would say a 2, possibly a 3. Instead of using colons and blatantly stating each example, use transitions to incorporate the examples into your essay. It is also a little confusing how you mentioned Mahatma Gandhi, A.P.J Abdul Kalam in your first paragraph as if they would be your examples, and then turned to other ones which were difficult to follow and seem to be too disconnected.</p>
<p>You would not get a 2 because you stuck to the topic and more importantly you gave a conclusion your essay was also lucid enough to follow. </p>
<p>I would give you 3. (Total 6)</p>
<p>Now</p>
<ol>
<li>You need better transitions
2.You need to develop you examples more</li>
<li>You need to use grammar in a more interesting way so that you captivate readers</li>
<li>When you give examples don’t give them as hypothetical scenarios even if that means thinking of a hypothetical scenario and then lying that it actually happened.
5.Your conclusion should be better at tying up the loose ends of your essay and strongly push thesis.</li>
</ol>
<p>When we mimic others da da da da da (as in say things you will expand upon in the body of the essay), mimic others will lead to da da da da (present your position clearly)</p>
<p>Para one transition (pretty ordinary transition here, make sure it’s the first example you spoke about, fluidity is important). Dadadada (speak of example, develop it well, get specific; dates, names, places ect sre all looked upon positively).da da da sub conclusion (which pushes thesis)</p>
<p>Para two (this transition is more interesting link the similarities of para one and this para, para two, and how this similarity makes them both good examples, if you’re feeling epic even mention a contrasting element). Dadadada develop. Dadada sub conclusion (which pushes thesis)</p>
<p>Now you before you complete para one you should have decided whether you would present two extensively developed examples or three sufficiently developed ones, IMO three is a safer bet if you want a strong conclusion, two is a safer bet if your third example is extremely flimsy. </p>
<p>Always give your best example first incase you run out of time.</p>
<p>Conclusion, transition from all three examples and push your thesis as incontrovertible. </p>