Grade my essay?

<p>Never been a great writer but I scored a 12 on my first SAT sophomore year. I want to retake the SAT for the highest score possible</p>

<p>english is my 3rd language and i have only been fluent since 8th grade so...</p>

<p>prompt: is the world changing for the better? blue book test #8</p>

<p>Robert Oppenheimer Jr recalled "I am become death, destroyer of worlds" after designing the atomic bomb. On one hand, he helped end World War 1 and prevented further military casualties; on the other hand he caused the deaths of more than a million innocent people. Such antics show that although the world is advancing in fields such as medicine and technology, it is also advancing in the harm that can occur.</p>

<p>In the 1950s, George Otto Gey develoepd an immortal cell line from Henrietta Lacks called HeLa cells. These have since been in use as a way to study cancer and other harmful diseases. This research is also responsible for allowing many people to overcome cancer each year. In the year 2000, the Human Genome Project finally announced its completion in discovering the DNA in humans. This information is now being used to develop medications. At the same time, however, all of this data is being used to kill thousands of people. Terrorists in countries such as Syria have develoepd biological weapons which cause suffering and eventually death. On one hand, scientists have discovered ways to save thousands of people but on the other hand terrorists are trying to kill just as many people. Although the world is advancing, it is not changing for the better.</p>

<p>Neanderthals used clubs to hunt and defend themselves. These clubs, however, were also used to kill other Neanderthals. This type of backwards thinking of the same reason the world is not changing for the better. People develop new technologies to help each other but then someone turns around to ruin everything.</p>

<p>Similarly in the case of Captain Philips, the United States attempted to provide food and aid for starving children in Southern Africa. Philips, however, is attacked by Somalian pirates who want their own share of the rations and money on board Philips's boat. After several people die, the conflict ends with a traumatized crew and lost money. This and other similar events demonstrate that although the world is trying to change, there are always implacable, choleric trouble makers stymying progress.</p>

<p>My first thought would be to completely cut out the paragraph starting with "Neanderthals."</p>

<p>Factual things: it was J. Robert Oppenheimer, not Robert Oppenheimer, Jr. (I know they don’t take off–I’m just letting you know), and the Manhattan Project helped end World War II, not I. Also, while I like the quotation, that first graf feels more like a body paragraph to me. You also don’t have transitions between paragraphs. I agree the Neanderthals paragraph feels weaker. Examples and specifics are for the most part very solid, though, and you sound like someone who has a brain, which I think is the whole point of the exercise. I’m guessing somewhere around a 9/10.</p>

<p>thanks for the help man</p>

<p>Robert Oppenheimer Jr recalled “I am become death, destroyer of worlds” after designing the atomic bomb.</p>

<p>This is a really awkward sentence.
Also, if the grader caught those factual mistakes like charlucas did, they wouldn’t think too highly of the essay, I’d imagine. Good luck!</p>