Grade My Essay Please!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi, this is from Test 8 from the Blue Book. I've never had anyone grade my essay before and I'm going to take the January SAT, so any help would be great.</p>

<p>Prompt: Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>The world is ultimately changing for the better right now because of the enormous development of scientific innovation with respect to the medical industry and because of worldwide peaceful diplomacy. New technology in medicine, combined with government initiatives and support, has allowed new medicines and vaccines to be developed for age-old diseases. Meanwhile, peaceful diplomacy, through organizations such as the United Nations, has allowed the world to approach a state of diplomacy in which various powerful countries can be kept in check.</p>

<p>The advancement of medicine within the past century has led us to a state of excellent public health and sanitation, which could not be afforded in earlier times. Before the past century, diseases like tuberculosis, smallpox, and the common cold were huge problems for society. Now, with United Nations support, smallpox has been successfully eradicated completely from the face of the Earth, while the development of antibiotics, such as penicillin, has kept bacterial infections (like the aforementioned tuberculosis) at bay. Viral diseases have been fought by vaccines, which are a standard requirement for children in many industrialized countries. Medicine has, overall, improved within the past century and although new diseases, such as cancer, has also emerged and grown in severity, one must realize that an enormous amount of research (both by private grants and public funding) are currently being poured into the research of resolving cancer. New treatments, such as Dr. Burzynski's antineoplaston treatment, are being developed and tested every day to replace traditional methods, such as chemotherapy. </p>

<p>The world has also changed for the better and is not politically secure from disasters, such as World War II, because of the growth of the United Nations. The United Nations has successfully pacified violent regimes and uprisings that may have otherwise led to global crises. A brutal regime in Libya was recently put down with the aid of UN peacekeepers in 2011, while anarchy in Somalia was supervised since 1991. One of the biggest challenges to this century's society's safety was nuclear weapons. With the United Nations in existence, no nuclear weapon has ever been used since World War II for an aggressive purpose.Their Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) has successfully minimized the possession of nuclear weapons to only five countries (the permanent members of the UN Security Council). In addition to this, the United Nations' legal action structure prevents any conglomerate of countries from forming alliances of a majority from suppressing another country. All five permanent members of the Security Council must agree to any decision regarding military use, or else the decision cannot be made. One can look at the Cold War (which occurred right after WWII) and see that, even if there was a grandiose war between countries that threatened the lives of many people, it would be fought in a manner that lacked much official combat (minimizing the number of casualties) and would ultimately become a stalemate if the two parties at war possessed nuclear weapons. Thus, no powerful country can engage in war with another powerful country of force an alliance between them without considering the threat of nuclear weapons.</p>

<p>The world is ultimately changing for the better primarily because of two things: advancements in medicine and advancements in peaceful diplomacy. Advancements in medicine have successfully eradicated some of the world's deadliest diseases (such as smallpox), while mollifying the effects of others (like Tuberculosis). Meanwhile, peaceful diplomacy within the UN has prevented any major uprising, or global conflict that involved war, from occurring. As long as these two things continue to advance, the world's safety will be assured, although not guaranteed, in that the issues of public healthy and dreadful wars are no longer large-scale problems that threaten the general prosperity of society.</p>

<p>Someone told me that the longer the essay is the better. So, usually I start writing within 30 sec of section commencement. I don't proofread because I don't have time to, but maybe I should? Again, I've never actually had someone read my essays, so if I'm doing something horribly wrong, please do tell. This essay is about 3 and a half pages of writing.</p>

2

<p>Your 2 examples are on topic and well developed. You provide a good mix of anecdote and proof in both examples. Both your introduction and conclusion work well. The length of the essay is about right. Generally it flows well. With the exception of a sentence or two (in the conclusion) you avoid repetition.</p>

<p>Where you can improve the essay is in the writing itself. Try working with a mentor/teacher regarding improving word choice and sentence structure.</p>

<p>My sense it that the essay will get you at least an 8, and possibly a 9 or 10.</p>

3

<p>I like it! But be cautious when packing your essay with trivia for it may distance some readers. Also if you plan on using parentheses, use them sparingly. Actually you might not want to use parentheses at all. </p>

<p>And a little bit of nitpickiness:
" Now, with United Nations support, smallpox has been successfully eradicated completely from the face of the Earth, while the development of antibiotics, such as penicillin, has kept bacterial infections (like the aforementioned tuberculosis) at bay."</p>

<p>“successfully eradicated completely” is excessive, and the sentence could probably be split up. Concision and clarity are important!</p>

4

<p>You wrote this under 25 MINUTES?</p>

<p>HOW? IT’S AMAZING :D!</p>

5

<p>Thanks for the support guys!
I think what often happens when writing these essays is that I’m so used to writing AP history type essays that I become more worried about content and information rather than writing style. I will try to proofread more now and I think I should probably improve my less than par vocab.</p>

6

<p>For me, your essay is teetering between a 4 and a 5 for me (aka between 8 and 10). Your examples are strong, but you do go off on tangents. Furthermore, your writing style seems a very clinical. There isn’t anything wrong with that necessarily, but the top scoring essay writers tend to employ more creativity when it come to style.</p>

7

<p>I was going to say what ACTsecrets said already. Your style is too clinical, and it flows a little unnaturally. I also find some of your word use awkward, and you need more punctuation to break up some of your longer, wordier sentences. </p>

<p>Let’s take, for example, your first sentence. You use vocabulary a little haphazardly, and include unnecessary bridges between clauses. </p>

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<p>I have bolded unnecessary bridges and modifiers. Now, clarifying vocabulary and removing awkward phrasing:</p>

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<p>Your sentence is now clearer and more concise. This process can be done with many of your sentences. Your content is decent as presented, but I feel like an elegant presentation could make it god. The style is a deal-breaker for me, and I’d have to give you a 4. I have a feeling that SAT writing graders are a little more lenient than me, so you would likely get a 5. </p>

<p>I didn’t even point out that the first sentence unnecessarily utilizes passive voice. You’d want to reverse that, and avoid it when alternatives do not sound awkward. Writing in active voice clarifies and rejuvenates prose.</p>

<p>I’d say my final revision of the first sentence would be something along the lines of </p>

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8

<p>Another example:</p>

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<p>Change this to, for instance: </p>

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<p>Do you see why the second sentence is superior to the first? The intention is to be clear and concise, and to inject your bias into the diction. Waste no time with modifying adjectives unless they’re absolutely necessary, and always say things in the fewest words possible while maintaining elegant prose. </p>

<p>Instead of saying “a state of excellent public health and sanitation,” you can say “high standard of living.” If you need to communicate the specifics, e.g., good sanitation, do so in the same way in a sentence specific to that topic. Which sounds better, of the following two statements?</p>

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<p>Above all, the tone shouldn’t be sterile. Make your opinion clear, and state things in such a way that disagreeing with your point seems stupid to anyone, with any viewpoint.</p>

9

<p>This essay can receive a score of 8-10 out of 12 depending on the reader. But personally I’ll give you an 8. This essay is a big turn-off for me because you started to mention trivial details in the introduction. I want to see “your ideas” explicitly, but the way you arrange your intro paragraph makes the job difficult for me. If I didn’t read further into the essay and just give you a grade, it will be a 5 (a score from a lazy reader who just assumes you write good examples because of the essay length).</p>

<p>When I read further into your examples, I find that it’s hard to keep track with all the information you’re giving me (they’re not really related to your point). Remember you’re only trying to prove your thesis, and nothing more.</p>

<p>I skimmed your 2 examples in 20 seconds and read your conclusion. You pretty much reconstructed your introduction here, and it’s not creative. Your first sentence sounds awkward. By this paragraph, you should already be confident in your thesis and should assert it. You said “because of 2 things:”, it makes me feel like you still haven’t proven your point. That’s why I only give you 8/10.</p>

10

<p>10/12 You only get 25 minutes to write. That’s a good essay for 25 minutes.</p>