<p>Question: Should kids disagree with adults to stand up for what is right?</p>
<p>“A lie told often enough becomes the truth.” This epigram spoken by Adolf Hitler typifies the perfidy, indoctrination, and corruption that occurred too often in the great annals of history, stashed away from the purview of contemporary society. Hitler himself orchestrated the infamous “Hitler Youth” cult to inculcate the impressionable minds of the young and helpless. All too often, children and teenagers blindly accept the words of adults, unable to overrule their apparent experience and authority. And all too often, the notorious events that unfold are forever cast in detached, surreal silhouette that beckons for our attention toward the present, so that events like the Holocaust will never be repeated, so that kids will stand their ground even facing the adversity of older authority. </p>
<p>For example, the South Korean ferry catastrophe was fueled by adult authority. The authorities on the boat told children onboard to stay put, even though the boat was capsizing. The children, assuming that the adults knew better than they, the children, who trusted the adults’ judgment, stayed put until it was too late to escape. </p>
<p>Another more lighthearted example comes from a 1990’s campaign on milk. Dairy farmers in California, dismayed by falling milk sales, colluded in a giant advertising venture to boost their profits. “Got Milk” targeted kids specifically, employing famous pop icons to don a milk mustache and speak of the benefits and the “it” factor of drinking milk. Milk went from a dairy fungible to a gotta-have-it nutritious elixir. In less than a year, adult advertising executives made a product desirable by using teenagers as the shills and the salespeople. It later transpired that milk wasn’t even that good for you. In the end, it was adults who wanted to manipulate kids for personal gain. </p>
<p>In many cases, adults have used kids as an easily corruptible sector, whether it be for political or financial gain. Had children realized their voice and eschewed the beliefs authority, they would not have been shortchanged, used, and redlined throughout history. </p>
<p>Great! I’d give it a 12. it’s strong, concise, and the complex vocabulary, while unnecessary, appears to have been used correctly. very well done.</p>
<p>The Hitler Youth example was your strongest one but it was hidden in the introduction! </p>
<p>Thanks for the critique! I was going to use the Hitler Youth example as a main point, but I figured that graders would be tired of it from being overused by other essays. </p>
<p>eschewed the beliefs authority – eschewed their belief in authority
great annals – annals
than they, the children, who trusted the adults’ judgment, – <replace this="" with="" a="" comma=""></replace></p>
<p>The approach of the essay is good, but there are a lot of places where the language and punctuation could be edited. It may still get a 12.</p>
<p>@sattut Can you elaborate on your third point? What should I replace with a comma? (For the first sentence I meant to put “eschewed the authority’s beliefs” but I made a typing error)</p>
<p>I used repetition as a rhetorical device in this essay, but I’m wary of using it in an SAT essay as the graders might mistake it for a lack of structure variety. What do you think?</p>
<p>Replace the whole phrase I quoted with a comma.</p>
<p>There is a lot of redundancy, which is typical of student’s essays. I would try to avoid repeating the same thing as possible and try to eliminate unnecessary words. A lot of times people try to write a lot of words, but it is better not to if you can think of different things to say.</p>
<p>You’re a strong writer but this essay is not a 12. There are two places you can improve:</p>
<p>Although some of your writing is outstanding, in other places the word choice is showy but not fully effective. Don’t aim to include words if they’re not exactly what’s needed. A little more simplicity would actually help.</p>
<p>The bigger issue is that you do not effectively support your thesis. For example, the milk paragraph includes the best writing in your essay. But what’s the point? ItI’d like to see you say that kids should disagree with adults and not drink milk since its not healthy (whether or not that’s true is irrelevant). You imply that but don’t actually say it. Your conclusion - In the end, it was adults who wanted to manipulate kids for personal gain. - addresses a different issue.</p>
<p>Bottom line, worry a little less about “SAT words” and really think through how you can support your thesis.</p>
<p>@CHD2013 I realized my examples were less than satisfactory after I posted the essay. (I feel that in my ship example, the kids couldn’t defend themselves at all, so it’s irrelevant to the conceit) I wrote this when I was unfocused, and hopefully I can pull a 12 on the real thing. Thank you all for the feedback! </p>