grade my essay!!

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1

<p>i know that steamedrice is doing this but i also want to hear what others have to say. grade my essay from 1-6 and double the score. this is the first essay i have done in a while so i want to see how i did. this is the way i wrote it, no corrections or changes. </p>

<p>The prompt is in pg 196 of the college board blue book. </p>

<p>Prompt:
Is deception ever justified?</p>

<p>The essay:
Deception is never justified whether if it is for the good or the bad. Deception is the reason why the world is left wondering with fear and concerns. It is the reason why teenagers can’t trust their friend. It can also be the reason why the world is yet to be peaceful. </p>

<pre><code>Allison Kornet does have a point that most lies are mainly harmless to society. It is also true that some lies can benefit others. However, those little lies that are “harmless” to society, could have an impact on someone’s feeling. For example, your mom makes a pie that is, without a doubt, truly horrible. You then tell your mother that it was the best pie you ever had and your mom becomes so happy. What would happen, then, when someone else tries the pie and claims that it was the worst? Your mom’s feeling would be hurt. It won’t hurt your mom if you told her that pie needs a little more work. She would late improve in pie-making and produce some of the best pies you ever had. If we tell the truth, society would benefit more than receiving a bunch of lies that would make them not improve, as seen from the example.
</code></pre>

<p>Deception can lead to mistrust among others. It is considered human to trust other people when it comes down to certain things. How can one trust another if we are lying? How can a teenager view life if their parents tell them that they’re doing good with a D average? How can the world become a peaceful word if countries cannot be trusted? By being honest, one would know that he/she can trust that person whether in an opinion or in a situation.</p>

<pre><code>Those that believe that deception is justified will probably go into a world of uncertainty. The world needs to stop lying for the benefits of others. Deception can never be considered justified.
</code></pre>

2

<p>Not a bad essay for having not done one in a while. Personally, I would score it as somewhere around a 3. Just a few thoughts I had -
- work on the opening two sentences to your essay and the introductory paragraph. Remember, the people grading this essay are gonna have 90 seconds max to read it over. By attracting their attention in the first paragraph, you can give them a good impression of your writing abilities and what you will discuss in your essay. </p>

<p>-in the first sentence of the second paragraph when you begin with Allison Kornet, I would not advice using common, everyday language such as "...does have a point that.."</p>

<p>-If you ask a question, like in the third paragraph, answer it.. or at least back it up by stating why.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>one thing i'm not sure of tho is the use of the word "you". I was always taught to eschew from using that word on the SAT/general essays. however, i'm sure about how the SAT graders view its usage. </p></li>
<li><p>the final point i will give it that i noticed a contrast in your essay from when u begin by saying "Deception is never justified whether.." and then go on to say "It is also true that some lies can benefit others". thats not huge, but it just shows that you are not holding you opinion consistently throughout the course of the essay and make your viewpoint seem more moderate, than the definite yes/no (as it was in the intro).</p></li>
</ul>

<p>I hoped i was of some help. im no professional grader or english lover, but that was just some of the edits i would make.</p>

3

<p>thanks for ur opinion. i thought using "you" was ok. i mean, its not AP English haha.</p>

<p>anymore opinions?</p>

4

<p>I agree with omnivoroushippo, 3 is accurate</p>

5

<p>I would give it a 7 out of 12.</p>

<p>There are many grammatical errors in your introduction.</p>

<p>Your first example, though applicable here, is far too common. I'm sure that by the time the reader reaches your essay, he'll have seen that example dozens of times. That's the problem with personal experiences. Unless you can make them STAND OUT, they're considered extremely insipid and boring.</p>

<p>In your third paragraph, you are simply asserting that deception is always unjustified. You need to endorse it with examples. And your reasoning is majorly flawed. Even if a parent DOES tell their child that a D is considered "good", his teachers will not. So he's bound to figure out sooner or later, even if he is naive enough to believe his parents.</p>

<p>Lastly, you need to use a more "lavish" vocabulary. In your essay, you should try not to repeat words. Whenever possible, use the more uncommon synonyms. Take a look at the words in bold. I've tried to reduce repetition of words:</p>

<p>
[quote]
Deception is never justified whether if it is for the good or the bad. Deception is the reason why the world is left wondering with fear and concerns*, why* teenagers can’t trust their friend - and why the world is yet to be peaceful.</p>

<p>Allison Kornet does have a point that most lies are mainly innocuous to society. It is also true that some lies can benefit others. However, those little lies that are supposedly harmless to society, could have an impact on someone’s feeling. For example, your mom makes a pie that is undoubtedly horrible. Nevertheless, you tell her that it was the best pie you ever tasted and she becomes so happy. What would happen, then, when someone else tries the pie and calls it horrible and revolting? It would break her heart!. However, if you had honestly told her that the pie needed to be improved, she would eventually have ameliorated in the pie-making process, and possibly produced some of the best pies you ever had. Society would benefit more from veracity than from a bunch of white ** lies - which **only make life more miserable, as seen from the example.</p>

<p>Deception can lead to mistrust among people. It is considered human to trust others when it comes down to certain things. How can one trust another if we are lying? How can a teenager view life if their parents tell them that they’re doing good with a D average? How can the world become a peaceful word if nations cannot be trusted? By being honest, one would know that he/she can trust that person whether in an opinion or in a situation.</p>

<p>Those who believe that deception is justified will probably go into a world of uncertainty. The world needs to stop lying for the benefits of others. Deception can never be considered justified.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I have only tried to improve your choice of words, I take no responsibility for any errors in the process. :D Also, like OP states above, don't make the essay too personal. Never use the first or second person. Stick with "one" or "people" or (sometimes) "we" or "they".</p>

6

<p>thanks for ur opinions! it gives me more ideas on how to write my essays and later improve on it.</p>