Grade my practice essay... plz?!

<p>The essay topic was about Dreams and are they important or irrelevent.</p>

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<p>Dreams are more important to a person that most people would like to acknowledge. Dreams are what keeps us going when times are rough, it gives us hope when we are hopeless, and it gives us a drive to push even harder and even further than we thought possible.</p>

<p>When I was twelve years old, I heard a story about how my family came to America and it has changed my life since. A few decades back, when my father was 20 years old, he was just a poor peasant in a small village in China. During that time, most of the younger peasants had already decided their whole future - to remain in the village and live off whatever they grew on their tiny plot of land. That was their goal. My father, however, was different. He was ambitious, brave, and above all, a dreamer. He dreamed about coming to the United States when most others set goals of extending their farmland by a few yards. Most called him a crazy man, but with his dream in mind, he set out to sneak across the border into Hong Kong when he was twenty-two, and eventually to America. Now, as a fifty year old man, he returned back to that village as an American citizen living the American dream.</p>

<p>Dreams can also be vastly important in a larger scale. During the colonial period in North America, the citizens of the British colonies were oppressed by the British parliament and king. Most dreamed of freedom and liberty, but of course there were those who attacked that dream not because they were loyal to England, but because they dared not to dream that large. Those that did dream, however, fought for it and more than two centuries later, all Americans are living that dream that the Colonial citizens dreamt of back then.</p>

<p>Many people like to think of dreams as "silly" and a waste of thought. They fail to realize exactly how much of a role dreams play in our drive to succeed, our drive to conquer the impossible, and our drive to be everything we possibly can be.</p>

<p>You don't really bring any original thoughts to this essay. It's above average, but only because you executed a formula well. There are grammar issues and above all, it's lackluster...you need to say something interesting to make our minds work. Are there times when dreams aren't all perfect and fuzzy? You picked the obvious answer...maybe mention a realist's viewpoint to add complexity to your simplistic paper. Good job though. You def have the potential.</p>

<p>You bring a lot of extra points that you don't really elaborate on. Your structure is terrible, and your introduction isn't great either. For your first example, you don't address your first sentence, which is supposed to tell what the paragraph is about. The second example is adequate, and the conclusion is alright. I'd give this a 7-8/12.</p>