Grade my practice essay (prompt: should traditional summer break stay?)

<p>This is from a practice test in Princeton Review. 1st time doing an ACT practice essay. Help? I'm bad with time constraints; my thoughts come to me in a non-linear fashion. I just typed it up exactly how I wrote it (meaning I'm cringing because want to edit crap this to pieces). The exact prompt:</p>

<p>"Schools in some states have changed their school calendars so that they are now year-round schools. Advocates of year-round schooling argue that the traditional summer break is a waste of students' time that could otherwise be spent learning. Opponents charge that today's students are already overburdened with the stresses of school and need the summer to get a much-needed break. In your view, should the traditional three-month summer vacation from school be maintained? In your essay, take a position on this question. You may write about either one of the two points given, or you may present a different point of view on this question. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position"</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<pre><code> In today's fast-paced, competitive world, it is easy to fall into the framework - that is, let yourself become defined by the system of instituted 'learning'. Mark Twain once said he "never let schooling get in the way of his education". He hits upon the fact that the rigidness of the school environment can take away from a larger, global, soulful learning perspective. A year-round system would cause school to become the center of a student's life in a mentally-numbing way. Therefore, I believe the traditional summer break should be upheld.
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<p>When the model for our current public school system came into fruition in the 1800's, the primary reason for an extended summer break was allow students to be able to help their families on the fields. Critics argue that we are not in an agrarian culture anymore, so we should change our system. What they overlook is that the issue isn't of mere practicality. If it were simply that, an entire debate of splitting hairs could ensew. Though a year-round system may be argued for because of its effiency merits, the traditional system could hold its own just as well: scheduling concerns, day-care cost, administrative budget costs and summer jobs are just some of many issues of practicality that come into play.</p>

<pre><code> But it is not an argument of practicality. Those who dismiss the summer break as an antiquated thing of the past, right next to pioneer dresses and horse drawn carriages, fail to understand that the real reason a summer break has persisted is because as a society, we maintain our children's senses of wonder, curiosity, good health, and well-roundedness by not allowing school to define them as people. School is a way to channel creative and intellectual energies, but those energies will cease to exist in a child if he or she is not given space and time to soak in the relaxed joys to life - big and little, through summer break.
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<p>If we allow precious time taken away, children cease to know real life. Maybe our forefathers and foremothers really did know best.</p>

<p>Eh, a couple things stand out with only a cursory reading.</p>

<p>The ACT generally wants a five paragraph essay, with a defined introduction and conclusion and three body paragraphs in which different arguments are espoused. Right now, you have three paragraphs with one coherent argument, but little variation. For this prompt, I would suggest discussing other things as well; summer gives students a chance to prove their initiative with summer programs and learning new material. It also allows teachers time to rest from their incredibly stressful year and to prepare for another 10 months of teaching. Etc.</p>

<p>Also, the flow is a bit off in certain parts, and you have some sentences that are painful to read:</p>

<p>“Those who dismiss the summer break as an antiquated thing of the past, right next to pioneer dresses and horse drawn carriages, fail to understand that the real reason a summer break has persisted is because as a society, we maintain our children’s senses of wonder, curiosity, good health, and well-roundedness by not allowing school to define them as people.”</p>

<p>That block or anything similar should not show up in an ACT essay. It’s just painful.</p>

<p>Aside from these issues, you have a decent idea of what they want; you have one literary example and a historical context for your argument; that’s good. If you can elaborate on it a bit more, all the better, but what you have is better than many in terms of references. It might help to do some planning before you jump write into the essay to figure out what you want to put where and how you’ll do it.</p>

<p>Keep working on it, and you’ll have yourself a high score in no time!</p>

<p>7 at the highest.</p>

<p>“I bielieve” Should NEVER EVER be in your thesis, this is a mistake you should have stopped making in middle school. You would have immedietly been graded down for it. Also, it seems as if you are trying to hard to make your essay sound “smart”. JUst answer the questions straight up. Also, ACT loves the normal 5 paragraph essays with a REBUTTAL. </p>

<p>I took the february ACT, and used the most juvenile vocabulary, however it was very well structured. Proved to all the IB kids at our school that making your essay sound “smart” isnt best. I got an 11.</p>

<p>Thanks for your help.</p>

<p>Yeah, I should have thought of more examples, but they came to me when I got to my last paragraph and it was too late. Will practice with that. I didn’t have time to go back and edit, again, I think practice will help with that.</p>

<p>Yeah, that “I believe” was bad, will watch out for that. I was NOT trying to sound smart at all, lol. I don’t know how to stop coming across as trying too hard. Which parts gave off that? </p>

<p>So for the rebuttal, should an entire paragraph be devoted to it, or just a passing mention?</p>

<p>Ouch, 7. I want at least a 9 on the real thing. So would have a clear intro-body-conc 5-paragraph essay help with that?</p>

<p>think of all your examples before you write, not as you go. i always dedicate 3-4 minutes ish in the beginning to make sure i know what im writing about.</p>

<p>Do exactly as jax said.</p>

<p>Take a FEW (2-3) minutes before hand, and think about waht you wanna write as in</p>

<p>I- INtro
a. thesis
II Body-x
III Body-x
IV Body-x
Rebuttal
Conclusion</p>

<p>you should devote a whole paragraph to the rebuttal if you have time and provide a quick response to why those points are invalid.</p>

<p>Good luck, seems as if you are a good writer.</p>