<p>Prompt is:
Are people held back by their adherence to the beliefs of the majority or doing things in the conventional way? </p>
<p>It is no question that people are held back by their adherence to the beliefs of the majority or doing things in the conventional way. Often, the orthodox methods of general society are not the most useful. In order to be more successful in life, people should look towards unconventional methods or think out the box to find more functional solutions for solving issues. Throughout society, and in life, evidence to support my critical perspective is pervasive.
Consider the character of Mildred Montag in Ray Bradburys 1957 novel Fahrenheit 451. The novel takes place in a dystopic society where all aspects of love, freethinking, and creativity are thoroughly inhibited. Like the majority of her society, Mildred is obsessed with the characters in her TV screen. Illustrating the depths of her obsession, she even goes to such lengths as to call them her family. However, the characters are a poor substitution of the love Mildred really desires. Instead of trying to remedy the emptiness inside her through the fictional T.V. characters, Mildred would have more success in going against the conventional ways of her society and reconciling her own broken relationship with her husband. Mildreds unsuccessfulness in fulfilling her desires illustrates why people should look towards unorthodox methods in remedying their lives.
Next consider the example of Thomas Alva Edison, a distinguished inventor with cognizance as the holder of 1093 patents. Known most primarily for his invention of the modern incandescent light bulb, Edison represents the success that can occur through persistence and using alternative methods. While fabricating the light bulb, he failed approximately one thousand times, but succeeded finally because of the creative solutions he tried. Through his unorthodox methods, he was greatly successful, demonstrating that avant-garde methods often result in success.
In my life, I have discovered that going against conventional methods is often successful. In class, my math teacher taught us a complicated method of solving a math problem. Her conventional method confused me greatly, and I tried to find a simpler way to solve the problem. Through my alternative methods, I found a method that was simpler and also more efficient in solving the math problems, demonstrating that unconventional methods are often widely successful.
In conclusion, people should think out of the box, or look towards unorthodox methods in order to be more successful in life. This can be proven through the examples of Thomas Edison and my own experiences. Clearly, looking towards alternative methods of doing things results in a more harmonious and progressive society.</p>
<p>This is a really good essay and makes me wonder if you really gave yourself 25 minutes and didn’t look at the prompt beforehand. If you didn’t cheat then bravo, this is a nice change of pace from the 3’s and 4’s I see on CC.</p>
<p>The only problem that caught my eye was that you used the 2nd person sometimes (“Consider…”). I don’t know if this would be counted as a flaw but typically essays are written in 3rd person so I would recommend sticking to 3rd person, unless you’re writing a personal experience example.</p>
<p>I like how you incorporated higher level vocabulary in there. The only issue is probably the use of too many vocab words. Otherwise, I believe the essay is well written and to the point. At the moment, I would give you a 6/6. I’m only suggesting you tone down the vocab just a tiny bit.</p>
<p>I don’t see why he has to dumb down his essay to meet a certain standard of plainness. People say not to throw in big words for the sake of using big words but this is not the case in this essay; he correctly uses the words in context. And frankly, most of the vocab he used are common in everyday reading and writing.</p>
<p>I don’t find the language pretentious at all. I’d say 6/6. Well developed ideas with excellent commentary. I get annoyed when people tell other people to tone down the level of vocabulary used. Is there anything inherently wrong with using more sophisticated words? I had a teacher mark me down for using words that she didn’t because she assumed I used the thesaurus function on Microsoft Word.</p>
<p>Great essay! I feel that normal scorers would give this 6/6 while the few picky ones would give this a 5. </p>
<p>Regarding the vocabulary discussion, incorporating a few words of medium to difficult vocab words into your essay is a great bonus for the scorers to read as they identify that you have a solid foundation of the english language to effectively augment your arguments in ways that others can’t. But putting too much can lead to the scorer feeling a sense that you are, as the person before me posted, “pretentious” but also it gets boring when you read something like “The malevolence of the clandistinian empire that almost denigrated the establishments and accomplishments of its society…” makes it very very boring.
You however do not need to worry about it. There was only one word that stuck out and that is “fabricated” which you used in your edison paragraph. Fabricate, although meaning to invent, has a negative connotation because it describes the inventing or creating of something with a deceitful intent. With such a great essay, the misuse of this word was very obvious, almost to the point of blatancy, so you have to be careful with the words you choose. If you don’t know, choose the simplest term “invention” because your diction is very eloquent.</p>
<p>One thing I would suggest is to avoid using “In conclusion” for your concluding paragraph because it is such a cliche. In conclusion is disregarded by high school english teachers (especially mine) because that phrase is used as a tool for elementary and middle schools to adequately develop the appropriate skills in concluding an essay but not for high schoolers who should have developed their writing skills enough to avoid such common phrases.</p>
<p>Your “critical perspective”?
“Mildred’s unsuccessfulness in fulfilling her desires…” ??? Do you mean ‘lack of success’ or ‘failure to fulfill her desires’? Either would be less awkward.
“a distinguished inventor with cognizance as the holder of 1093 patents” …“cognizance”? Go beyond the flashcards to learn how the word is really used. Try ‘recognized as the holder’, or ‘acknowledged as the holder’, or better yet, ‘the holder’.</p>
<p>Your opening is strong. Your first example supports it in a less than well-developed way. Your next two examples are even less concrete. The overall structure is good, but it’s potential isn’t really developed by your treatment of the examples. How do they support your final assertion about a more harmonious and progressive society? High 4/ Low 5 Definitely not a 6.</p>