GRADE MY SAT ESSAY ? :)

Hey, if anyone would take the time to read and grade my essay i would greatly appreciate it. I picked a prompt and wrote on the topic in about 16 minutes. I would like to know what areas should be improved upon before the exams in December. Also if they are any tips that would improve my work. Thanks A lot !!


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Prompt: Traditionally the term "heroism" has been applied to those who have braved physical danger to defend a cause or protect others. Byt one of the most feared dangers people face is that of disapproval by their family, peers, or community. Sometimes acting courageously requires someone to speak out at the risk of such rejection. We should consider those who do so true heroes.<<<<

Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it? Plan and write an essay blah blah blah, etc.<<<<

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Heroism is defined by Webster as an act of bravery/courage. Someone who demonstrated this bravery by giving a voice to the voiceless should be branded as a hero as long as the act itself isn’t self serving.

This is especially evident with the LGBT human rights movement. It was established in 2006 to give a voice to the seemingly few men and women ostracized by society for being born with a different sexual orientation. By 2012 it became one of the largest organization giving a voice to countless individuals who were embarrassed to be humans. They encouraged and defended their fundamental rights, encouraging them to embraces their sexuality. By 2012 they gained a cult like following with support from major world leaders such as CEO Tim Cook of APPLE inc; The world’s most valuable company. This selfless movement allowed the bill to be passed, giving equal rights to individuals of each sexual variants, including the right to be wedded. They are rightfully revered as heroes in the lesbian and gay community.

Such selfless acts aren’t uncommon, it is further illustrated by the humanitarian act performed by Russia, who launched a nuclear attack on the terrorist group ISIS; who for over 68 months, publicly murdered, raped and performed other creative forms of brutality to men, women and children of all ethnicity in the name of religion. Seemingly eons passed while kids mourned as their parents are executed before them. World leaders remained silent, as the treat posed by ISIS grew stronger. While everyone world leader were looking at everyone’s else for a solution, Russia showed the world courage by bombing ISIS, who were acting without consequences; becoming a symbol of hope for the children of Syria who were forced to bury their parents.

Evidently there are no shortage of such global acts of heroism. However there are some cases where acts are perceived as heroic but are done to achieve selfish gains. In 2006 Samsung mobile, one of the world’s largest smartphone company embarked on a mission to Mexico where over 400 children were rescued from poverty and taken to Korean through the 2006 migration act. They were publicly scrutinized for this act. Those 400 kids, as part of their refugee program, were forced to work in their labour force 16 hours a day with little to no wage. Such acts shouldn’t be mistaken for heroic, they were done solely to maximize the tech mogul’s profit. The US subsequently shut down all production factory that were operating in this manner, which ignited a political war between the US and Korea in 2008. The US performed the truly heroic act.

Sometimes acting courageoulsy requires someone to speak out at the risk of public rejection, as did the LGBT Rights movement and the United States. It may sometime means bringing yourself physical harm, as with rusia. These are all historical courages acts that should not be confused with self serving efforts performed by companies and individuals such as Samsung and other who share similar resolve.

Russia did not launch a “nuclear” attack. Unscored.

I didn’t even get past the first 2 paragraphs and I have to say Please do not submit this essay!!! Sorry (I know your intentions are in the right place) but this is very offensive to an LGBT individual as it shows no true understanding of LGBT history at all!! The “LGBT human rights movement” as you call it has been VERY active since the 60’s and really long before that… does Stonewall ring a bell? Before Stonewall there has been the Mattachine Society coordinating marches in Philadelphia called Annual reminders that led to Stonewall, and the Gay liberation Front, Gay Activists Alliance, Harvey Milk etc there is just so much more that came before 2006…

Also LGBT individuals were not “embarrassed to be humans”. That is an awful phrase! It makes YOU sound homophobic and unable to empathize… Tim Cook had nothing to do with a cult like following as you put it… his coming out was long after marriage equality was almost assured…

Please do not write about what you can’t relate to as this will do you more harm than good IMO.