<p>May I request my peers on this forum to grade my following essay. I would appreciate your advise on the following:</p>
<p>a. How many points you would give for this essay ( Please be realistic and avoid giving high scores just to to please me...)
b. Any tips you have to improve my essay further </p>
<p>Thanks - RK1</p>
<p>Think Carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below:</p>
<p>Given the importance of human creativity, one would think it should have a high priority among our conerns. But if we look at the reality, we see a different picture. Basic scientific research is minimized in favor of immediate practical applications. The arts are increasingly seen as dispensable luxuries. Yes as competition heats up around the globe, exactly the opposite strategy is needed. </p>
<p>adapted from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Creativity: Flow and the psychology of discovery and invention.</p>
<p>Assignment:</p>
<p>Is creativity needed more than ever in the world today? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations</p>
<p>My Essay:</p>
<p>The world has changed significantly from what it represented 50 years ago. 50 years ago, the United States was the global leader in business and industry. The atmosphere in the baby boomer generation was filled with a desire to make a difference, a desire to change the world. All the resources and power was at our disposal. However there was one undeniable truth hidden beneath all this; whatever people set out to accomplish 50 years ago is virtually impossible to do today. The reason is because creativity is sacrificed for personal wealth and life stability. This idea is clearly present in the following examples. Bill Gates, a software tycoon , changed the world when he introduced Microsoft to the public. His creative accomplishment granted him fame, fortune and power. The aftershock of this breakthrough made the software industry a hot field to be in. The effects of Bill Gatess influence on the United States is being witnessed in present day; software industry has set its base in Asia and affluent revolutionaries are too rich and powerful to even consider spawning another revolutionary breakthrough in technology. When the global leaders have changed from solely the US, to include many other Asian nations like China, the creative minds are leading a peaceful life when clearly their supreme innate gift is needed more than ever.
Similar transitions are taking place in major sectors like cloning; as many Americans scientist have already acquired their wealth from older technologies, Chinese and Japanese scientists are taking over. Recently a group of Japanese scientists have started a business to clone cats of cat-lovers before the cats die. As many innovative fields get outsourced as a result of creativity getting compromised domestically, it is fairly easy to conclude the future of the U.S. if they dont realize soon that creativity is in demand now more than ever before.</p>
<p>first, i don't quite see how it answers the question. it seems to go off on a tangent about baby boomers without showing how this answers the question.</p>
<p>second, it really has no thesis statement and is poorly organized if it's only 2 paragraphs as it seems.</p>
<p>I'd give it either a 2 or 3. First, it is way to short: there needs to be at least an introduction paragraph, two body examples, and a closing. Also, you don't seem to answer the question by relating your examples to the prompt. You have many structural errors in your sentences and I don't see the point of many of them. Try writing this essay again, but start slower and build it up to increase length and poinancy. Work in the form of an inverted triangle. Start with general ideas and then work to get down to the most detailed.</p>
<p>I don't know much about how the essays are actually graded, mine got a 12 (I got an 800 W first try), but I'm going to agree with previous posters--unfortunately this one would score pretty low.</p>
<p>I left some extensive tips on Writing the SAT essays on the Is it impossible to study too much for the SAT thread, I would recommend checking them out. There are several grammatical errors in your essay, one that stood out to me was the inappropriate use of a semi-colon. In my opinion, if a grader saw that, he/she would assume that you wanted to make your essay seem more structurally diverse and just threw in a random piece of punctuation, but didn't know exactly how to utilize it correctly.</p>
<p>Also, you need to follow some main structual guidelines. The intro paragraph, 3 body paragraphs, and conclusion paragraph format worked well for me, and it is also what is recommended on the collegeboard website. </p>
<p>I agree with above posters that you might want to focus a little more. Also, avoid sounding repetitive; your first two sentences already had me a little bit bored. I'm sorry for being so harsh, but I figure honesty is best. Check out my tips on that other thread and definitely don't give up. The writing section is in my opinion the easiest to improve upon. If you want more specific comments just keep it going on this thread, I'll be here for a while and I can help you.</p>
<p>This is really a very useful board. My special thanks to young_one, halopeno2 and j07 for very valuable comments. I agree with them completely and would work towards improving my skills further. It is so good to get such valuable peers persepctive. </p>
<p>preferred structural guidelines aren't the most important thing, it's just having a structure in general. mine was a 3 paragraph essay, got a 12 score, because it had structure.</p>
<p>I got a 12 as well, I had 4 paragraphs. I based it off of the Princeton Review suggestions. I wouldn't go as far to say that that is the only way to get a 12, but it helps to have something to follow. STRUCTURE, THESIS, EXAMPLES is really all you need to have.</p>