Grandma(pa) at the Grad

<p>What have been your experiences? Is it possible to keep the focus on the kids when there are so many physical limitations to negotiate for the grandparent (age 80).
I'm not talking about shy, retiring grandma here; I'm talking: powerhouse, center of attention grandma!!
Give me some mantras so I can do this okay. </p>

<pre><code>== Chronic Middle Child, People Pleaser in the midst of a Sandwich
</code></pre>

<p>Your parent or spouse's?
I'm for let the offspring negotiate his/her parent; the unafflicted spouse gets to be over attentive to the graduate.</p>

<p>My Mama (and I'm the wife here)</p>

<p>And my H is amazing, clue-full, will do whatever's needed here</p>

<p>We're having not only the grands but a great-uncle and great-aunt as well.</p>

<p>I bought a lot of champagne. For myself.</p>

<p>Ah yes, the exact same situation I am confronting for upcoming college graduation. MIL is lovely but physically "needy" 84 year old. I want to attend all of the events the graduate wants to attend and I don't think we should alter the plans for MIL just because she cannot get around easily. I think that H should deal with her, and I'm hoping for the best. This might be an excellent time to self-medicate.</p>

<p>Paying3Tuitions, we had a bit of a drama - a sort of "adopted" grandfather and mother, and, their daughter (my age) and her daughter (high school senior) who, by the way, we have known for years, and whose company we have always enjoyed, something just went weird here. The grands were fine, could not have been more gracious, however, the daughter - I just don't know what to think or say. </p>

<p>Everything was wrong. Her house alarm went off just minutes before a planned dinner, and great drama about she might need to fly home immediately (it was a false alarm). Her hotel room was too hot, then, too cold. (I called the front desk for her.) There was no coffee pot in her room. (I got the hotel to deliver one for her.) The valet parking at the hotel was too expensive. (I had already pre-paid for her room, and her parents, as well, $350/night x 2 - so - I just picked up the valet charges as well.) Her feet hurt, she couldn't walk far; couldn't do the stairs at graduation, the two hour long ceremony was too long, she was 30 minutes late to everything, she continuously lost the mapquest directions we gave her to everything; all the food in all the restaurants was too expensive (so we just paid all her expenses); she couldn't find suitable bathrooms anywhere, and, every time we were leaving one event to go to the next, she stopped the entire procession to use the bathroom, which took another 20 minutes; the coffee wasn't right; could we leave the graduation reception to get her fresh coffee? Her daughter tripped on something on the campus grounds during the reception; she appoached a security guard and threatened to sue the university. It was like this for the two days she was here, and it didn't stop. We also had to escort her - meaning driving so she could follow - to every single destination, and then back to the hotel, because she refused to remember to bring the directions we'd prepared and printed for her, refused to take responsibility for getting herself places on time, etc. It seems we spent our time waiting for her in the lobby of the hotel, several times. Quite frankly, if it wasn't for the young man my daughter is dating (he held seats for me), I would have been 20 minutes late for graduation on account of her. </p>

<p>We have known her for 10+ years and she is normally the kindest, most gracious and thoughtful person, and, my daughter adores her parents. We decided that perhaps when people are taken out of their comfortable, familiar environments perhaps they just become stressed, and therefore act in ways that they ordinarily wouldn't. Basically, I just dealt with everything by saying things like "what can I do to help you" and "how can I make you more comfortable..." etc. </p>

<p>The good news is that as difficult as this was, it did NOT mar this great day for us even slightly. I'm guessing that's because this was such a wonderful, celebratory day for us, nothing/no one could possibly have put a dent in our happiness...so, assuming this applies somewhat universally, I'd say invite everyone, and enjoy. It all works somehow, and the events are so happy and wonderful that regardless of how difficult someone is, it hardly matters...</p>

<p>If it's going to be outdoors. Come prepared, hats with brims, sun screen, umbrella's etc. See if school has water bottles available, or bring your own. It can get really hot sitting out in the sun.</p>

<p>My dad (grandpa of Graduate) got badly sunburned at RPI on the top of his head from sitting 2 hours out in the sun four years ago without a hat. </p>

<p>Last year at F&M, for second s graduation, we had all the equipment we needed for everyone to be comfortable. </p>

<p>Enjoy :)</p>

<p>My D's had both Grandmas at their HS graduations. One Gma (80) is handicapped so moves slowly. It all went fine. This graduation was outside at the football field and seating was in the stands. We knew it'd be crowded so we went extra early so they'd have plenty of time to get to the seats. We picked seats with easy access so it'd be easier for them. Latecomers had a hard time finding seats and had to stand far away. </p>

<p>The HS keeps the graduations fairly short (about 500 in graduating class) so it moved along at a good clip. Afterwards everyone went down on the field where the kids and parents were taking plenty of pictures with their friends, family, etc. When the Gmas got a bit tired we just took them over to the car while D was still on the field with friends. </p>

<p>Again, it all worked out fine for us and I'm glad they were able to attend.</p>

<p>Could you assign one of your other children to be in charge of Grandma for the day.
I friend had arranged in advanced for her father and mother to enter a little early and have a seat in the front. Due to mobility issues. One of her younger son's volunteered to be in charge of grandma and grandpa and sat with them and helped with a wheelchair. (Grandma can walk but has a hard time getting around) The parents still had issues but at least my friend didn't have to sit next to them for the whole service.</p>

<p>Also some people are difficult or hard to please no matter what you do. If that is the case just keep repeating it's not you it's them. Do what you want to make the day special and if they don't have a good time or get with the program that is their problem. My good friend used to tell her kids that it is the job of the guest to make it easy for the host or hostess. Good words to remember</p>

<p>Brought one set of G-parents to a recent Univ graduation.</p>

<p>It was very taxing on a very healthy late-70s couple and I wouldn't do it again.</p>

<p>Recipe for disaster, since the kids are way too focused on themselves to be appropriate with anyone, much less grandparents.</p>

<p>Our son's school spared us this problem by having really limited numbers of tickets.</p>

<p>We had both sets of gparents at a LAC graduation yesterday. What helped -- taking two cars so the older folks could leave immediately afterwards to go rest before the dinner party, and the younger ones could go early to save seats, having water bottles and snacks to keep the blood sugar up, planning on extra time for them to walk from parking to the seats. It was a long day for them, but the graduation itself was lovely and we had time as a nuclear family at the reception and, of course, packing up the room!</p>

<p>My opinion - Make every effort to accommodate the older set. Three years ago, my mother, in the middle of chemo and radiation, attended her first grandchilds HS graduation. It was old, rainy, and miserable, basically outdoors but under a roof. She watched my son graduate and asked my sister to take her to the car ASAP. She passed away five months later. She wanted to come with us that fall to visit my S at college, but was too frail to go. We should have made it happen.</p>

<p>This year my younger S and my oldest niece will graduate without her. Niece's school has a limited number of tickets, but our HS graduates in an outdoor concert venue with unlimited tickets. Whole extended family, including small cousins, will be there.</p>

<p>JHS I don't agree with that - at least not in all cases. The only reason I tolerated my contemporary is because my daughter very, very badly wanted the woman's parents - her sort of "adopted" grandparents who are in their early 80's and who she adores - to be at her graduation. It was very, very important to her, and she spent a LOT of her time with them. It was also critically important to her that "papa" meet the young man she is dating, and that he approve of him. She spent 30 minutes bugging me about - did I think her young man should wear a tie, and what sort of jacket, etc., as, "papa" worked in finer men's clothing his entire career, and she was very concerned that if he did not dress properly, "papa" might not approve...and so on. (I had to convince her that "papa" wasn't going to judge the young man based on his clothing...) </p>

<p>Later, she drove me crazy with questions like "did papa get to talk to him a lot" and "what did papa think of him" etc. </p>

<p>So I think this varies by family and so each family has to make their own decision, depending on what works. I am a believer in including people if at all possible as long as there is no risk to their health and well being, even if you know going in it is going to be difficult.</p>

<p>I've started to "not encourage" my parents to attend these sorts of events. It's sweet that they want to - but it adds so much stress for me. "It's too hot," "too sunny," "too crowded," "too far of a walk," "I need to sit next to the exit," "I can't hear him," etc. They'll even start to complain about some kid's hairdo or something. Sigh. And I feel like I have to fix everything - no one else hears any complaining.</p>

<p>I usually love being with them, we all do really, there's just something about the event thing that doesn't work anymore.</p>

<p>I think it is wonderful that there are graduates who still have grandparents that can attend! My children aren't that lucky ... but it's really much simpler for the grandparents to come to a family celebration after the actual graduation. For s1's high school graduation in 2005, my FIL, last available grandparent, came only to the pre-graduation party at our house and then we had someone drive him home as the graduation itself would have been too stressful.</p>

<p>Well - when I'm a grandmother (I really hope to be one some day), I do hope I'm asked, and allowed to participate in the discussion and decision. I hope that it doesn't become that a decision is made to not invite me, based on an assumption that it may be too difficult. </p>

<p>At the same time, I also vow to never be negative, or make negative comments or complain - I want people to want me around when I'm old, not see me as a burden, and, it is very stressful to be around people who complain all the time.</p>

<p>I don't know ....I just think this is what family is for....celebrating accomplishments, birthdays, special occasions, grieving together at funerals...none of it is easy usually but extremely meaningful to young and old.</p>

<p>I would ask the grandparents to come but give them an out. That way if it is just too physically challenging in their opinion, they can opt out. However, if it means a lot to them to be there and they are willing to endure ...I would find the best way to make them comfortable. THere are some good ideas here from assigning someone to be their escorts to arriving early. </p>

<p>In the end, those events are always crazy and chaotic whether I have the older generation or not.</p>

<p>I'm with cnp55 -- all the grandparents are gone. The first one died in 1978, the second in 1984, the third in 1992, and the fourth in 1998. My younger son doesn't even remember my father, who died just eight years ago. There are also no close aunts or uncles -- just one in California and one in Flroida, with us here in the NorthEast. </p>

<p>It's rather sad -- the Bar Mitzvahs, the graduations, and Yes, hopefully, one day the weddings -- just very, very sad. Luckily my sister and I are close, and she takes pride in their accomplishments. I know if the grandparents were alive I'd be struggling and annoyed like the rest of you -- but it's also very very sad.</p>

<p>That's what happens when you don't have children until your late 30s or 40 -- as my parents and I both did.</p>

<p>The grandparents here made the decision themselves. Both decided that they would not attend the graduation. One set came to the senior recital (along with 25 other members of the extended family who made the trek) and they felt that WAS DS's graduation. The other set of grandparents live very far away and are 80. When I spoke to them, they asked for a DVD of the recital, and pictures of the graduation. They said it was too much traveling for them to do. DS's is an urban school with public transport involved...and it's a hectic time. We will miss having the grandparents there, but it was their decision. If they had decided to come, we would have figured it out somehow.</p>