Grandma(pa) at the Grad

Parents Forum
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<p>I think that it really depends on how involved the person has been in your lives. We have a 80ish grandmom in a wheelchair, a real pain in the neck logistically to take anywhere, but she has been this way for a while and has been included in everything for as long as we can remember. Unless she takes an acute downward slide before any family even, there is no question that she will be invited and included in graduation and any other family occaision. There isn't even any question. </p>

<p>But if Grandmom is not a participant in family functions, it may not be the best way to introduce her to these occaissions. Because we are so used to the problems and process of taking Grandmom, it's not a big deal to us. For someone unaccustomed to dealing with these issues, it can be difficult.</p>

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<p>1969, 1989, 2004, and dementia ...</p>

<p>Having grandparents is such a blessing. Is there a way to involve them in part, if the whole is too much? A small breakfast (corsage for Grandma)? A religious ceremony? A fun party with champagne and cardboard mortar boards and a great photo op with the grad at the nursing home?</p>

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<p>My neices graduation was 4 hours long, in the outdoors, with bathrooms far away and such,</p>

<p>My MIL said never again...</p>

<p>For us, we have limited tickets, 4 total, so all the inlaws, are like, darn, we can't sit through a iong ceremony in wooden pews in a hot church, but instead can have a nice dinner with wine and such? rats and double rats</p>

<p>I think it should be a question, at least in regards to length, bathroom accessibility, temperature, etc. If the event is really long, with awkard circumstances, it might be a recipe for some problems</p>

<p>I think at some point Grandparents need to trust themselves and admit their limitations, and not feel bad about that</p>

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<p>I just wish I could go through the discomfort of having D's grandparents there, but they are deceased. It will just the two of us in a couple years. And I am misting up already just at the thought that they can't be there. So, yes, I would put up with it just to have them there. One day, we, too, will be infirm and want to be with our families. Tell them what it will be like, and let them make the choice.</p>

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<p>When my neice graduated 4 years ago, my mother (my father died many years ago) really wanted to attend but was in pretty bad shape healthwise and feared the (night time) graduation ceremony would just be too much for her. She felt so bad about missing it (this was her first grandchild). So she wouldn't feel like she missed the whole thing and to let my neice know she really cared, she had my sister drive her over to my brother's house on the morning of graduation.<br>
They had a nice lunch together and my mother gave my neice her graduation gift, a very old birthstone ring (both had May b-days) that she had worn for many years, re-made to fit my neice. It was really special...Many pictures were made of the special day. My Mother died 6 months later. Those were the last pictures every taken of her and she looked so happy. I'm glad they took the time and effort to include her.</p>

<p>My in-laws insisted on coming to my S's graduation 2 years ago even though I tried to discourage it. It wasn't that I didn't want them there per se. My FIL is physically handicapped and it was an arduous 7 hour drive.<br>
I was really afraid that after all that effort they would be appalled at the grad. ceremony. Our h.s. is a large public suburban and the grad. is always held in a big coliseum in nearby big city. It is a loud and impersonal ceremony, nothing like what they would expect. The logistics of getting us all there was a big pain. FIL had to go in wheelchair and so we were not able to sit together. Just about time for S to leave for the ceremony when I wanted to be taking pictures, MIL announced that they needed to return to their hotel to change clothes. So H had to ferry them off for that, alas no pictures with grandparents or parents. Afterwards they were too tired to go out to eat (as we had planned to do) so we just had take-out sub sandwiches. They left immediatedly the next a.m. from their hotel. Overall, I got the feeling that they felt obligated to come and didn't really enjoy it at all, meanwhile much time and attention was spent accomadating their needs and I felt like S's gradution was almost an afterthought.</p>

<p>S2 will grad. in 2008. FIL is in even worse shape now. I doubt they will try to make the trip. It is sad when there is very little family or the logistics of it make it more of a headache than the celebration it should be.</p>

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<p>My late mother was 87 when S graduated from high school 4 years ago; his private school with approx 250 grads always has an outdoor ceremony which lasts 2 hours on the dot. We always used to say my mother was allergic to fresh air--it was always either too hot, too cold, too windy, too sunny--you get the idea. She never spent any time outside if she could possibly help it. Also, she was a late riser and was never willing to get up early for anything.</p>

<p>HOWEVER, she eagerly looked forward to S's graduation; it started at 9 a.m., we got her there at 8:30, she sat outside (with her weird sunhat on)until 11 a.m, never complained, and afterwards said she was so happy she came. It was the longest time I ever remember her being outside before or since--(ok, maybe when I was little and she had to watch me at the swimming pool). We knew how much of an effort this was for her, but it was truly a testament to how much she loved S. She has been gone a year now, and won't be there for D's graduation next year. We will miss her.</p>

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<p>My mother, who lives with us, has stage 6 alzheimer's. We have made arrangements for a "companion" from our church to come and sit with her while we attend my S's graduation. I broached the subject with her several days ago, after dreading it, frankly. My mom has no depth perception for handling the stairs at the convocation center, doesn't handle crowds well (850 grads + 5 tkts/grad), has extreme bathroom issues, etc. I have missed a great deal of my kids' events the past 4 years while being the primary caregiver of 4 parents, who've all lived with us. I'm being purely selfish about this -- I am sure I could figure out something if I had to, with the knowledge I could take her out if she gets agitated, but I'm not ... not this time. Mom will see my son walk the stage at church on Sunday, in full cap and gown, with the orchestra playing pomp and circumstance. This will be followed by a senior lunch with family, and she'll be attending the open house we're having for our S and one of his good friends. She seems to be okay, now. We'll see how it goes, as this is the first time I've hired a companion. </p>

<p>Zebes</p>

<p>Oooohhh ... Grace, I love the corsage thing. I'll get her one. :)</p>

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<p>Our local cable TV station broadcasts the graduation. I'll be taping it to share with grandmas who can't make it to a ceremony on a football field.</p>

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<p>Zerbes,
I hired companions for FA, and helped many others to do the same. The first one or two may not be right, but then you can strike gold. </p>

<p>I took ailing FA to one family wedding, & vowed I would never do that again. All the responsibility fell on me. I missed most of the celebration.</p>

<p>Still, it would be nice to have some family at S's college graduation. I think I'll ask my sister to join us.</p>

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<p>Yes, I've thought of this one a lot. Both g'mas will be there. I'm still trying to figure out the logistics in my mind. I'm flying to IL the weekend before to go to a family reunion :o and mostly to fly back with my mom. She refuses to go in a wheelchair, although I think she'll acquiese, at least in the airport. M-I-L lives in an assisted living place here in our town, (has no use of her left side and is in a motorized wheelchair, or has to be pushed in a wheelchair).</p>

<p>I think I can get the dreaded bathroom issues taken care of before the ceremony starts. However, D's graduation is inside a big arena, and her graduation follows a previous school's. I don't know how much time we'll have to get their early and get everyone situated. Also, I don't know how close we can get, with at least 1 (and hopefully, 2) wheelchairs. The place where they have handicapped seating for b-ball games is not close. Since D may be speaking, I plan to be sitting as close as possible, and don't plan to miss a minute of everything. And, I want great pictures, so I plan to have H with the camera(s). My younger D isn't brawny enough (or otherwise inclined) to help the "local" grandma go to the restroom, if she needs to. Hmm..... </p>

<p>H is flying w/ his mother this weekend to St. Louis, so she can attend her grandson's grad (our nephew). I expect that will be a major ordeal (she hasn't flown since being confined to the wheelchair), and am supremely thankful that it's not me going with her. (I suspect the flight will involve a few beers for H!) We'll see how that one goes, and decide how to handle things from there. I'm trying to give myself a peptalk....D's grad is way too important for me to get stressed about things....</p>

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<p>I hope everything goes well for you. In retrospect I wish I had invited my father to my daughter's HS graduation despite his infirmity and toileting issues. His mind was very clear and I think it hurt his feelings deeply to be left out; he might not have come but he surely wanted to be asked. I wanted to be able to focus completely on my D's graduation, and we did so, and it was all very nice, but now that she has no grandparents I very much regret the omission. Both my parents had attended my son's HS graduation and were very proud and happy. Only my father was around for son's college graduation and he came on his own, but we neglected him for reasons that in retrospect were foolish. D's HS graduation came several years later after his physical decline made him unable to get places on his own--otherwise I am sure he would have raised the subject. </p>

<p>Bottom line: If mental clarity is there, I would suggest trying very hard to make it possible for grandparents to attend if they want to; if issues are mental as well as physical I don't know what I'd do. But as I look back on the last few years the two graduations at which we neglected or omitted my father stand out as low points in my own behavior and our family history and cannot be corrected.</p>

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<p>Does everyone think that these very large graduations where hundreds or even more than 1000 names are called are meaningful events to the relatives attending? (Especially old or infirm ones for whom it is an ordeal to attend, but also for younger and healthier relatives too.) My son was the valedictorian of his high school class and we invited all of our family members to hear him give his speech, but when my daughter graduated (she is also an excellent student, I am not taking anything away from her achievements), just my husband and I attended - we did not invite other relatives because it involves hours and hours of sitting in a football stadium listening to some not very inspiring speeches (by administrators, school board members, etc. - the speeches by the student speakers are actually usually much better than those of the adults) and listening to over 800 names called including mispronunciations of many that aren't common Anglo-Saxon ones (and they actually forgot to call one name somehow, who happened to be a friend and teammate of my son :( ). People are coming and going and walking back and forth below the stands as if they were going to the concession stand at a football game. I would say there is not a lot of decorum, and the ceremony would not be of interest to people who are not from the school district. I think it is nicer to have a graduation party at home for family and friends where the focus is more on the graduate himself or herself.</p>

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<p>When we started the HS/college graduation era, we had two grandparents in the picture, my mom and H's dad. (We lost the others in 73 and 96). My Mom has come to absolutely everything! My sister also comes--no kids and loves her neice and nephew to bits. Mom is in very good health, both mentally and phsically, so it was just a matter of not making her walk too far, or sit in the sun too long (D's college graduation was brutal in that respect, luckily, there was an open-sided tent in back which she finally retreated to.) She even made it through S's rain-soaked, thunderfilled aborted HS graduation, but that one was a horror for a lot of the grands we saw.</p>

<p>My FIL? It's complicated. H's parents were divorced,and though his Dad was always in the picture, it was always on his terms. (He showed up at the house prior to his youngest daughter's graduation, and when she wasn't there to greet him, left in an umbrage and didn't see her graduate.)</p>

<p>My kids loved him very much, but also knew there was an arbitrary side to him, magnified by a shrewish second wife who never got over him becoming a very young grandfather.</p>

<p>Beyond all this, he suffered a series of first mild, then devestating strokes. The first graduation, he was still mobile ,but didn't come. The second two happened two months before he died; being there in his condition would have been hard on him and the family.</p>

<p>The way he was included, was that in June every year, my H's extended family gets a house together at the shore. So, the two graduation years, we held small grad parties down there, to include all the folks who weren't at the graduation. Members of my family come down for the day. This way, everyone gets to mark the occasion, without the logistics of, as was pointed out above, waiting through the hundreds of names and long speeches.</p>

<p>A small part of me wonders if we should have made more effort to get him to the actual events, but I mostly think he was just as glad to miss them and celebrate with the grandkids in a more relaxed way.</p>

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<p>MotherofTwo, I agree with you regarding the ceremony itself - I very much enjoyed my D's high school and college graduations, and, I think that is mostly because I have never had any of my own, but, I can imagine - you hear your child's name called, but then it's two hours of waiting for everyone else's name to be called. I enjoyed high school because she was called multiple times for many awards, and I enjoyed college because to me, it was fun and very interesting seeing doctoral and masters candidates, but, I can well imagine how tedious this would become after the first time or two. Especially so when one is essentially sitting for two hours, and even moreso if the event is outdoors in unpleasant weather.</p>

<p>But I think for people who are much older, it's more the opportunity to be involved in SOME activity, having something to look forward to, being included and engaged in social events, and having a role and a place in the family. Sitting still while hundreds of names are being called is a small price to pay in exchange for social contact, especially if one is not very active. I cannot imagine anything worse or more depressing than being 70-ish +, and being left home alone and never invited to anything because family members assume I'm "too old" or "too much of a problem". I would prefer to be invited, and to have the opportunity to decline. Of course, this strategy assumes that people have enough sense to decline activities that they suspect may not be the most enjoyable...</p>

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<p>Similar situation. The grands are in fine shape and coming, much to my dismay. Why they are coming is a mystery to me. Oh, wait, I know why...it would look bad if it they didn't, and it's all about appearances. What would their friends say if they didn't attend graduation? </p>

<p>Last time it was made very clear to me how uncomfortable the whole process was for them; at the beginning of the ceremonies, no less. That time they were also staying with us. I had my say after that visit, though it's much like water off a duck's back. This time they are in a hotel, so at least there is some separation.</p>

<p>It will be over in a month. I'm working on my frame of mind now as I am NOT going to let them sabotage this occasion. Thankfully they are usually well behaved towards the kiddos. It's just me they like to chop down on any occasion they can.</p>

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<p>Mattmom, ugh, I just realized my post was rather thoughtless and insensitive re your decision and now it's too late to edit - I think everyone would have made the same decision you did, and at the time you were probably thinking it would be so miserable for him, and correctly so. </p>

<p>It surprises me how many of these things are outdoors (which adds to discomfort, even for younger people)- but I guess that's because there is no where else to put so many people. D's were all indoors, however, someone told me that years ago the graduation was outdoors, and the graduates all wore their bathing suits under their gowns because it was so hot and miserable, sitting there for hours...I can't even imagine, that had to be very difficult.</p>

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<p>At last year's Stanford graduation, my daughter (who was 18 and old enough to know better) wore a sundress with spaghetti straps and did not put on sunblock. It was a brilliantly sunny day - the main graduation was outdoors on a field in the morning, and my son's departmental ceremony, where diplomas were awarded, was on an unshaded outdoor plaza (in front of Hoover Tower, for those familiar with the campus) in the early afternoon. It was a beautiful setting, but, unfortunately, my D got the worst sunburn I have ever seen (huge blisters on her shoulders - horrible!!) Most of the male graduates were wearing dress clothes under their caps and gowns - long sleeve shirts and ties and dress pants, and it was unbelievably hot!!! A few had shorts and sandals, but, I must say, they stood out and looked sloppy. The campus is very large and the distances between events were long. I think it would have been quite difficult for families to bring elderly relatives to this event.</p>

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<p>This probably only happens with college graduations, but my niece's college did a live webcast of the whole ceremony. It was available in the gym on campus for those who didn't have tickets and, of course, in the comfort of your home far away. For grandparents and other relatives, this adds the "oh my gosh I can't believe we're watching this on the computer" factor, as well as the chance to see their grandchild receive a diploma in real time.</p>

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<p>My parents have always been interested to attend things like graduations, or even little halloween parades in elementary school, etc. They regularly made the 45 minute drive to do so. Both are gone now. My inlaws have never been interested. Getting them to come (they live no more than 1/2 hour away) has always been like pulling teeth. My FIL did not come to my daughter's middle school or high school graduations, and did not come to either girls' sweet 16's. My MIL actually claimed to have a hair appointment as an excuse to get out of my older daughter's middle school AND high school graduations (my husband called her and insisted to save my daughter hurt feelings, so she finally did come, although with complaints---complaints about the ceremony and about the dinner afterward). She came to one daughters' sweet 16 but not the other's. All events she has been invited to were with the understanding that my H would drive up and pick her up, and bring her home afterward. We will probably not be inviting her to my younger daughter's HS graduation or to my older daughter's nursing school graduation, unless my H really wants to push it. She adds nothing, and makes everyone uncomfortable. We never even consider my FIL. He's just assumed to be a no-show.</p>

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<p>At our school, they had a reserved section for the "disabled" and elderly. Check into that. </p>

<p>Are any of your siblings coming? Could they be put incharge of mom? That way, parents of the grad can enjoy the graduation ceremony. My sister attended to my mom and that helped a lot!</p>