I saw a dear Annie column about thank you notes and grandparents, I wondered what others think.
A grandmother wrote that she gifted her grandchildren thank you notes and stamps. The kids still didn’t send notes so she told them that they either needed to send a note, thank her in person or call. She was going to keep track and if they didn’t, they were off the gift list.
My kids are adults and do well financially. That’s neither here nor there but my mil has recently decided that she’s not going to run out of money in their lifetimes and so she has increased the money she sends. They are relatively modest amount, say over $100 but less than $500, I’m not really sure.
My kids have either called or said thank you in person. My daughter also calls her periodically and called her on her birthday. They send cards on the grandparents birthdays and even though they are busy, I know they keep in touch.
The other grandchildren I’m not sure but one lives in town and visits often. I know one of the other grandkids called my mil on her birthday.
My mil complains all the time that she didn’t get thanked. That they don’t even know when her birthday is. That she’s going to stop sending money. I know the kids did in fact thank them and have called for birthdays. I mention this when she complains. Doesn’t stop. I think it’s about the other kids that aren’t mine. If my in laws would stop the gifts, my kids would be ok with it, it’s not like they need the money.
How would you handle this? Just chalk it up to complaining? Also my mil seems to complain about the girls more putting them to a higher standard. If a boy grandchild calls, I hear about that for a long time.
My personal feeling and hope is that my kids send “thank you’s” in some form. A phone call. A text. A note via the mail.
I personally appreciate a verbal thank you. A note is fine but if the occasion is there to thank another way I’m cool with it.
I don’t like when people have “standards” for thanking that are specific. But I can’t control that!
Personal note - about a note! I’m cleaning out my mom’s home. She was not a stuff person and her home is sparse. But what I have found is envelopes, shoe boxes, etc of cards and thank you notes. I swear she saved everyone - especially those from her kids and her grandkids. She had her b-day cards marked with the year it was sent on the outside. I would have never guessed it but I think these meant so much to her!
This weekend I found the thank you note my daughter sent to her when she graduated high school in 2007. I def took at pic of that note card and sent it to my daughter. I think when we know how much they are appreciated we are much more likely to send them.
If this is a new behavior, is it a possible sign of dementia? It happened so slowly with my MIL that it would have been hard to tell if she didn’t have such a strong genetic predisposition to Alzheimer’s. Maybe with the MIL. they should send notes and a birthday card. That way there would be proof they didn’t forget!
We have my kids do one or the other - call or write a note. I think both are good and it’s nice to mix it up, so it seems more heartfelt vs automatic.
A written thank you note is a tangible item and very important to that generation. This was just described above, someone who doesn’t save much saved those notes from important people in their lives. It indicates thoughtfulness. If it is so important to the grandmother, is it really that difficult to send a written thank you. My kids do it as well as call. In our world it’s just not a battle they are willing to die on. So I would handle it by having them send a written note.
I live with my mother so see the notes and hear the thank you’s in person. My mother is much more appreciative of the random note, the homemade soup my nephew makes, taking her to breakfast when they are in town than the formal thank you notes for a gift. My niece travels a lot an usually sends my mother a postcard from Cabo or Canada. Even though she’s 86, she still likes to get mail!
Since she is older and has been sick, one of my brothers now calls about once a week and she really likes that. Truly, he’s called more in the last year than the previous 64 years.
Maybe the out of town kids could have a time they call Granny or send something once a week or so. Yes, it is a pain but it does mean so much to the grandmothers. It doesn’t have to be a thank you note, but just a note about what they are doing.
Is part of the issue (for you) that she is complaining TO you about this lack of thankfulness?
That would be something that would (and has) annoyed me. Please don’t complain to me, go the direct route!! Chances are if YOU tell the kids/grandkids “hey, Grandma mentioned she didn’t get a (written) thank you from you” they might blow it off to you pestering them. But if GRANDMA said it directly to them, maybe they’d jump the next time with a thank you???
There are also certain habits/worries/obsessions of older people that we just can’t break. I sort of hate that we always go right to “dementia” when in fact, guess what, elderly people do not always have as quick minds/memory as when they were even 10 years younger! - let’s not always jump to labeling it.
I had this exact experience with my mother before she passed away. My mom definitely had cognitive issues late in life. Most of her complaints were about my brothers allegedly neglecting her, and occasionally about me and the grandkids as well. Lots of statements about how she must’ve been a bad mother to be so neglected, etc. And lots of implications that others in the retirement home had better more attentive kids. I spent endless frustrating hours on the phone with her, reminding her of everything we were all doing. I would get worked up about it and then have trouble sleeping. (These calls tended to take place late in the evening.)
Looking back on it and after going through family therapy with one of my kids, I realize that I was taking the wrong approach with my mom. I learned about the concepts of emotional validation and invalidation. What my mom needed was to have someone validate/acknowledge her feelings of loneliness, etc. Instead I was approaching it as a lawyer and trying to persuade her with evidence that her feelings were wrong. If I could go back and do it over, I would’ve approached it differently and tried to acknowledge her feelings (even though I believed she was factually wrong).
This differs by person. I think there is a generational element in it. For those of us who grew up waiting for the mailman (because long distance calls were too expensive!), a note can be highly valued. My mom spends a lot of time selecting cards with just the right message for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. (Never mind that most are gaggingly sentimental!) By some rule of something - transitive?-, I am expected to do the same for her. I’ve hustled to get flowers sent with a note just to avoid the fall-out of a missed card!
My son could care less about mail. I’ve had to remind him to open something I sent because I put a check in it! So he is far more likely to pick up the phone or send a text. He understands the tyn convention (largely because it was forced on him), but he doesn’t feel like a missed tyn is a transgression of any sort, regardless of which end of the exchange he’s on.
I try to meet people “where they are” and try to be understanding if their treatment of me misses where I am. Because I know I am not always getting this right! You’d no sooner bring a bottle of wine to a toddler as you would a stuffed animal to an adult child.
If the issue is memory, all the more reason for a card. It can be new every day!
@abasket, yes! She complains to me about grandchildren that aren’t mine. That’s part of it.
She will lump all the grandchildren together and complain. I point out that she did indeed get thanked, received a card, got a call, FROM MY KIDS! That I have no control over the other kids but still the complaining continues. I say don’t give them gifts, my kids won’t care, that they are happy as adults not to get a gift from their grandparents. My mom who struggles financially, just sends cards. Not once have the kids ever mentioned not getting a gift from her. In fact if there is something said, they say they are happy, grandma should keep her money.
I guess my issue if I’m being honest is the obligation behind it all. And that I keep being the person who somehow is being brought to task for things my kids aren’t doing. And honestly if grandma said, you have to write a thank you note or I’m going to stop. My kids would say nicely, grandma you spend that money on yourself. Buy yourself something nice, we are doing great and can buy ourselves everything we want.
The cognitive decline is that I keep pointing out the obvious and she still continues to say the same thing. For all I know the other grandchildren are also thanking her and she’s forgetting, just like she’s doing with mine. She also doesn’t text or email and while that’s fine, it’s how kids communicate. I can’t change that either.
I wonder which came first, the chicken or the egg, in such cases. My in laws never called our kids to wish them happy birthday, and I understand why they don’t call them on their birthdays. They hear stories from their grandparents about how they drive a couple hours each way to meet with my SIL’s family for every one of their birthdays, including their own. I suspect that plays into it. And the fact that my in laws never call our family unless it’s to tell us that someone died - they don’t even call if one of them is in the hospital - so there’s that. Of course, if the behavior is new, it could be a sign of either cognitive decline or a lonely person without much else to focus on.
I agree with @abasket - tell her to take it up with the grandchildren herself, not complain to you. I wouldn’t argue with her about who or who did not thank her and by what mode. I would just say, “You should address that issue with __________ if it bothers you.” I’d just say it one time. If she keeps on going on about it, just shrug and change the subject. Her feelings that what they are doing is somehow inadequate is her problem - not yours.
Trying to clarify - does she forget that your kids have thanked her with a phone call or called to wish her a happy birthday or is the lack of something written on paper that arrives via snail mail what is not up to her standards? Those are two different issues.
My ds writes thank you notes to his grandmother for gifts, and I know she appreciates them because she will tell me after she receives one that she did along with, “You raised that boy right.” Whatever. I do think it is a generational expectation. So part of me wonders if the reason she complains to you is her way of saying you did NOT raise her grandchildren correctly. It’s a way to get a, “dig” in at YOU. I obviously don’t think this way. My, “boy” is now a man, and it is his choice as to whether and how he expresses his appreciation to his grandmother. It’s called free will, and she has the same to stop sending gifts if she wants to.
I do think some sort of acknowledgement should be made when one receives a gift (OP - I understand your kids are doing this) so the giver can know the gift made it to the recipient. I sent a $175 wedding gift (used an online process) to a friend’s son and bride back in October. I never heard anything, so I did eventually ask my friend if she could please check to make sure it had arrived. It had. Still haven’t received a note.
Well…my kids sent thank you notes to their grandma AND called her to let her know they like her gifts (even when they didn’t).
She no longer sends them gifts anyway…which really is fine. But it’s not a money thing…she just doesn’t. (And yes, some favored grand kids do still get gifts…).
I don’t know how generational it is. I expect my kids to thank me for gifts and for little things too. They said thank you for rides and I often noted that their friends did NOT. The friends would get into the car and not even acknowledge that I was driving. No ‘thank you’ when they got out. Sorry, my kids were required to greet the driver and say thank you when they got out. Still are.
A thank you in person is okay for a gift given in person, or an email or call. I used to send my kids and my niece and nephew gifts when they were in college. I wanted to know that they received the care package or popcorn or whatever.
My mother adored getting a thank you note and fretted when she did not. I had to call nieces and beg them to have the kids do something, anything, scribble on paper.
#1 you’ve got to let the sender know the gift arrived, with all the mail theft or misdeliveries I have seen the past years, I follow notifications and make sure it was really delivered.
#2 people from our parents generation expect it as good manners
#3 people in our kids generation do not see it as a common thing
#4 people who are seniors often have long, bleak, lonely days, a bit of mail from a grandkid can make their day and their week, it’s just not that hard to make (most of them) happy
@Hoggirl makes me wonder… if a grandparent is complaining about your child’s “lack of manners”, isn’t it easy to feel like it’s an attack on your parenting? (I feel that way!)
I can’t agree more, if grandma wants a thank you note, she should get a thank you note (my kids wrote them when they were younger but now they call, my IL’s don’t have a preference). Unfortunately my parents are deceased, we’d do anything to have them back. My MIL forgets things all of the time, especially phone calls (she’s 93, FIL is 94). My dad had Alzheimer’s, we never corrected him when he said he wasn’t told something (didn’t help the situation and it made him angry). I believe in giving our elderly family members grace.
Exactly. That’s why I characterized it as a, “dig” from the OP’s MIL. Idk what her relationship is like with her mil, but If mine complained about that to me, yes - I would take it as an insult to my parenting.
Since my mil always says, “You raised that boy right!” when she receives a thank you note from him (he does always send hand-written than you notes to her), it does make me wonder what she would think/say if he did NOT send one.
My mother always got upset if my daughters didn’t send a timely thank you note. However, she NEVER sent thank you notes to them, or to anyone else. My daughters are usually pretty good about thank you notes. I am happy with an in person thank you or a text from my grandkids.
Chances are if YOU tell the kids/grandkids “hey, Grandma mentioned she didn’t get a (written) thank you from you” they might blow it off to you pestering them. But if GRANDMA said it directly to them, maybe they’d jump the next time with a thank you???