I ended up not exposing our kids to my parents when their dementia worsened, and had limited their exposure to my mother for years.
My dad had one angry episode with me which was when I first knew that my mother’s and brothers’ reports of his health were very wrong. (We lived in another state by then.) Eventually, I had to bring in a geriatric specialist to evaluate him and the way mother was (not) caring for him before anything was done.
Before that one episode, Dad had not always recognized our kids but smiled at them, hugged them and was very sweet. Then, at some point in the visit, the light would dawn and I’d see tears trickle down his cheek. He knew his mind was slipping away and it was devastating. Our kids were heartbroken. Sadly, his disease quickly progressed and he thought he was a POW again. It was awful and that stage lasted too long before things got far worse.
My mother was never a nice person, and she got hateful in her last years. She had habitually lied so often that none of knew when she was telling the truth, which made providing the care she needed difficult. For years she had put on a front when others were present, acting as if she doted on me, but in the end she told horrible tales about me and claimed that I’d disowned her when the truth was the opposite. Whether she really knew that I was responsible for much of her care and supplying things to make her last years more pleasant, I’ll never know. I ended up staying away as well, doing what I could from a distance after one really nasty letter.
My in-laws loved their many grandchildren, greatgrandchildren and assorted relatives, and were happiest with a full house. MiL went through a stage of being anxious when FiL was not in the same room, but otherwise we did not see major personality changes. FiL was never diagnosed with dementia and retained his mental faculties into his 90s until the last couple of weeks when palliative care for pain was necessary. H felt very fortunate about that, and our kids were able to visit both of them towards the end of their lives.
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My MIL had a mild form of dementia, so we made sure our kids sent her thank you notes. She did complain to my husband that my SIL’s children never thanked her for gifts. But she never talked to me directly, always talked to my husband, he told me about it afterwards.
Many people have small strokes later in life – ones that don’t necessarily leave physical deficits. But they can have an impact on personality. So those weird, often seemingly sudden, character shifts may also be that.
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My kids were very aware of my mom’s dementia/Alzheimers and they “got it”. They were aware that she might say something but they were prepared for that. She did enjoy seeing them and S always made a point of buying her the cookies she liked and she loved that.
My aunt’s husband was a kind and lovely man who suffered a severe stroke when my kids were young and he had to live in a veterans home. He could not speak but he always had a smile on his face. My kids actually requested we visit him when we were in Illinois. I think not sheltering my kids from reality (even when it was painful) made them more compassionate.
YMMV
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Over the past 10 years or so (and much more so in the past 3-5), I have taken a very different approach with my parents (my mom passed away a few years ago). Look to avoid arguments, corrections, unproductive conversations, etc. unless its something that really matters (and at this point very little does in the sense of making an issue about it). Brains/thought processes/memories just are not what they once were and to me it makes more sense accepting that then making limited time with my dad (my mom too at one point) unpleasant. Got to that point by having some unpleasant conversations that did nothing other than make a visit less enjoyable (for everyone).
For the OP, I would just tell MiL that all her kids and grandkids love her and care about her a lot. Everyone appreciates her gifts but understands that if she decides she wants to reduce/stop them, that is her decision and everyone will be fine with that (appreciating her generosity and kindness over the years). If there are cognitive/memory issues, they are not her fault and you do not want to make her feel worse about them. If she is just being manipulative/complaining for sport, kill her with kindness. Life is short and with aging parents its even shorter. Enjoy the time you have as much as you can.
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