My Mom has Cancer. What about College?

Applying to College
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Hello. My name is Aly. I have been on College Confidential before, but mostly by lurking in the shadows. I had no intention of ever coming onto these forums and saying anything, but something serious has happened if my life and I really need some advice. First, I am a senior who was accepted into Columbia University ED. I was/am so excited to move to New York and attend my dream college, but then my mom got diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Cancer is very expensive to treat.

Columbia University is also very expensive. My mom saved enough, along with some scholarships I’ve earned, that it’s not going to be a detrimental cost issue. I’ll have to take out a few loans, but that’s not the worst situation. However, with my mom’s impending medical bills, paying for college won’t be as easy and that’ll make it the worst situation to be in.

Another thing I need to think about is my younger brother, who is a freshman in high school. It will just be him and my mother in the house after I go to college. My mom raised us as a single mom and I never knew my father. With her cancer diagnosis, my mom can’t work as much as she would like to be able to pay for my college, pay for her medical bills, and provide for herself and my brother. My grandparents live back in my mom’s native Germany and are not rich either. My aunt also lives in Germany and is also not rich. We can’t depend on our relatives to help provide for us.

On top of these issues, I have to think about the worst case scenario. We live in Texas, which is quite the distance from New York. I obviously want to be there for my mom and brother and support them throughout this problem. But if the worst happens… my brother will be alone and we will probably be broke. My grandparents and aunt speak little English and if they were to move to the US to support us in the worst case scenario, it would still be a very difficult environment to be in.

So, I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I paid my deposit for Columbia and now, I’m reconsidering whether I should leave for college. Ovarian cancer has about a 50/50 survival rate, so everything could end up fine, but nothing is guaranteed. I want to think about all the possibilities before I make any decisions. My mom’s hospital bills will be a detrimental cost on top of my tuition. My mom will probably work less and my brother will have to support and help her out on his own while juggling his own stuff. Perhaps deferring my admission for a year to stay home with my family and get a job would be the best idea. But… again… if the worst thing happens, what will happen next? My brother barely speaks any German and has never lived in Germany so moving there to be with our relatives would be difficult to deal with. We’ll barely have any money, so things will become really hard for my family. My brother will need emotional support and I, too, will need it. Of course, I want to be optimistic but my mind is a maze right now and I just don’t know what to do.

My family has a history of cancer because my great-grandma died at a young age from it. My grandfather’s brother died at a young age. Again, nothing is guaranteed, but I just can’t help but to think of all the possibilities.
What should I do?

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I am so sorry. This is so hard, and such bad timing.

What is your future career goal? That might help folks start thinking of ideas.

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I’m sorry to her about your mom.

You need to discuss this with your GC at your HS and with Columbia admissions. Given the circumstances it seems likely they would hold your spot for a year if you decide to defer admission and stay with your mom. It may be hard to concentrate in college given all that will be going on back home. Also discuss with Columbia admissions the financial aspects.

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Hugs to you, sweetheart.

One thing I do know is that Columbia allows a full 2 years of deferment…one of the few that does so you have options from that end.

I would open a conversation with your admissions officer…they want you to succeed and they will give you support.

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@powercropper I plan on majoring in economics or a related major and I hope to go to business school

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I would consider deferring your enrollment. What does your mom say? I’m sorry you are all facing this.

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Hugs to you. I am sorry your family is in this difficult situation.

Many colleges allow you to defer a year, and it sounds like Columbia will give you up to two. Keep that idea on the table. You will refile the FAFSA each year, so you could find that your aid increases as your family income decreases.

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I’m sorry about your situation. My heart goes out to you. Things like this require a family discussion with a trusted, knowledgeable adult in the picture along with your mother to go over the various options. I am hopeful that all works out well, and with Columbia’s generous deferral policy, you can see how things go and make decisions in time as well as for right now. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

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@suzy100 she wants me to go but im worried about the financials and how my brother will be

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thank u all for your kind words and advice!

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I’m so sorry this is happening to your family.

You sound like a great kid! She must be really proud of you.

If you were my son/daughter, I would say exactly the same thing.
Your family knows you worked hard to get into your school.

They probably wouldn’t want you to stop your future goals. I would suggest that you speak to a trusted adult (like an aunt/ pastor/ teacher, etc. Your feelings about yourself and your family and the cancer has affected you and these feelings will continue to change, so you need to talk to a professional.
Cancer treatment centers have social workers who will also work with you or help find counselors or peers that relate to you.
MY OPINION: This is a family decision, but if your mother wants you to go, she wants to see you go.
You need to contact FA at Columbia and let them know that your financial status will change and will impact your ability to go.

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@“aunt bea” thank you for your kind words :slight_smile: i will definitely take your advice under consideration and i appreciate it

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I know you are too young to be burden with this, but the reality of situation is your mom may need you around with all the medical treatments she will need and she may feel very weak/sick from the treatments. It doesn’t sound like your mother will have a lot of external support while she goes through her treatments. I would think about taking one year deferment to be there for your mom. College will always be there.

I was a lot older than you when my father was diagnosed with cancer. I went with my father to most of his medical appts because he was in no position to remember what the doctor(s) were telling him. I had to take notes and questioned what the doctor(s) recommended. I was my father’s advocate. You are too young to have to deal with this, but your brother is even younger. I am really sorry about this.

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I’m sorry you have to deal with this. My husband was diagnosed with cancer right after I had my 3rd child. It’s a very scary time in all of your lives. I too think that you should defer at least one year, for the reasons @oldfort mentioned. It took years for my children and myself to be able to cope with our grief. . The deferral process at Columbia is easy.

I’m going to share a lot of information with you. I’ve learned much of it the hard way. You should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. This is how to prepare.

  1. Support for your brother. Social Security provides survivor’s benefits if a parent who has been paying into social security dies. This support lasts until he is 18 or graduates high school, whichever comes last. You can find out how much the monthly benefit will be through your mother’s social security benefit statement. The statement can be accessed online through ssa.gov.

  2. There may be short term or long term disability insurance through your mother’s work. Check with human resources at her job. There may also be life insurance through her work.

  3. Does your mother have life insurance or disability insurance or that is not through her work?

  4. Does your mother have sole legal custody of your brother? If not, is his father in his life? I couldn’t tell whether you have the same father. If she doesn’t have sole legal custody and your brother’s father doesn’t have contact, she should work with a lawyer to get sole legal custody. If she dies, your brother’s custody would go to his father unless she has sole legal custody and designates you, or someone else, as your brother’s guardian in her will.

  5. Does your mother have a will? If not, this should be a priority.

My two cents on your brother: If his father is not in his life, he shouldn’t be shipped off to Germany. You should stay together. The social security income will help. You should be able to get need based financial aid from Columbia. He can move to NYC and live with you if your mother passes and your deferral time is up.

Good luck. I hope your mother makes a full recovery.

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Aly, so sorry. I understand completely. Similar situation but with a metastatic diagnosis and 2 parents. D was a senior with an ED acceptance, S1 a sophomore and S2 in 7th grade.

The good news is that you do not need to defer enrollment yet and can find out about your mom’s treatment and work situation. If she is eligible for disability at reduced wages and needs to use the benefits, call the FA office and explain what her future wages will become with increased medical costs. Columbia should meet your changing needs. Yes, cancer treatment is expensive, but should be covered by insurance once the deductible is met.

My older children have flourished both academically and personally and are now at school together. Their bond became closer even though they were separated for 2 years. Our youngest is struggling but there are extenuating circumstances.

Some things that have helped. We have very open communication with health and treatment plans/changes. I may pause communication during exams but they know that I will always call immediately if there is an emergency. We take care of each other all the time by using the time we have together and checking in when we are apart. Friends, colleagues, neighbors, church family all help. You can actually be in TX for almost 20 weeks of the year. Learning German could be great for your brother, our son learned to drive early and completed his dad’s complex home projects.

As parents, time is precious and your mom unselfishly wants you to soar. When you do, she knows that you will take your brother under your wing.

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I am sorry that your mother will be fighting cancer and the stress for you.

Deferring sounds like an option. Hopefully your mom will be fully stabilized and on the road to recovery by then!

One option to consider and perhaps suggest to your mother. Is it possible for her to reverse the situation a bit.

She may be entitled to go back to Germany and receive her care there instead of Texas. She would have less monetary stress with health care, a built in support structure and fine schools for your brother. This would allow her to get the treatment she needs and the college start you deserve.

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Very important information.

So sorry about your mom. Hang in there.

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Another thought:

  1. What would she do if you didn’t exist? What support systems does your town/state have? Has she talked to a social worker about options for support?
  2. Let us say that she does not survive her cancer…then what will your future be? Will it be better in the long run if you get a college degree?
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In your mother’s shoes I’d want you to go to college, but might be secretly relieved to have your help this coming year. I think you should call someone at Columbia and explain the situation. Ask for more details about how deferrals work. Ask what the process might be for getting your financial aid package improved in light of the new situation. The more you know, the better you will be able to make the right decision. Good luck and sending healing thoughts your mother’s way.

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I am sorry to hear about your mom’s diagnosis. Although are getting some differing feedback here, it’s good to think of as many options as possible so that you can make the best decision for you and your family.

Does your mom have health insurance? That is an important determinant regarding financial decisions. Is she a German citizen?

Some additional things to think about as you make your decision include your mom’s prognosis, your brother’s age, and various financial scenarios. Perhaps speak with a trusted family advisor to help you. Remember to take care of yourself as well, and utilize whatever support systems you can, including the social workers/counselors at your school. Good luck and keep us updated.