<p>I just wanted to say that as someone who has had to work for everything they have had in life, including getting and working through college, I simultaneously despise and envy your involvement in their college process.</p>
<p>I envy that I never had someone to push me along the way and I instead wasted a few years working.</p>
<p>I also cringe at the idea of someone walking their little baby boy/girl through college admissions, the SAT, etc. You wouldn't believe some of the entitled, privileged thinking processes my classmates who were coddled have....</p>
<p>TL,DR: Do you ever think you are actually impeding your kid by 'helping' them so thoroughly? What will happen when the child in question realizes that they alone will shoulder the burden of life? Also, is this a generational thing- did your parents 'help' you as well?</p>
<p>Sure, it is possible to be overinvolved, just as it is possible to be underinvolved. Finding the right balance is central to raising children, at all stages of their development.</p>
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<p>Many parents question the claim that the child should be entirely on her own at age 18, or she will be unable to stand alone later. Is there evidence to support that claim?</p>
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<p>I was a first-generation college student. Looking back, I see quite plainly that I would have benefited from some knowledgeable, adult help with decisions pertaining to college.</p>
<p>Each family strikes a different balance. Our kids generally call us a few times/month, to keep in touch. My sister’s kids call or text her several times/DAY. We both consider our situations “normal” and work fine for each of our families. </p>
<p>We give our kids the freedom to make choices and then expect them to do their best with the choices they make. We provide guidance when requested and bite our tongues as needed. </p>
<p>Most of the hand holding we did was when they were having frequent and prolonged absences in HS and dropping them off at their U. We feel fortunate to have been able to provide the support we feel was appropriate and then watch our kids fly. It has worked well for us & our kids.</p>
<p>Our kids did their own navigating through the college admissions & D’s transfer admissions process. We wrote any requested checks or provided our CC # for charges, but that was pretty much it. </p>
<p>We also drove around campuses and toured a few when we vacationed, so our kids could get some idea of differences among campuses & incorporating this into our family trips to national parks and other spots of interest over the years.</p>
<p>I do not feel our kids have been handicapped by our actions and inactions, but who knows?</p>
<p>We were very involved with our kids’ run up to college applications, through the application process, and the financial aid process. We were very involved in making sure they were well-prepared to take their SATs. We were involved in visiting schools and in the process of choosing schools.</p>
<p>My kids will both graduate from college next year. They are doing well. What they do after college will be up to them. As a parent I feel that supporting them with advice, encouragement, reminders, money, etc. through college really is part of my job. I don’t talk or text with them often (maybe once every couple of weeks at the most, and even that is usually very brief), but I do follow how they’re doing academically.</p>
<p>They earn their own spending money (we never send them money, but we make sure the college bills are paid).</p>
<p>My parents didn’t do anything for me. I had to figure it all out on my own. I had to borrow and work, I paid my way through school and supported myself throughout.</p>
<p>I do not think that was an advantage. In fact, it was a tremendous disadvantage. Was I independent? Yeah, I guess so, but I was not as successful academically as my own children are, I didn’t have the same skills they’ve learned with regard to organization, direction and purpose. I was just getting by, but they are really thriving.</p>
<p>I would have loved to have had parents who gave the time, emotional energy and commitment to their kids that we have been able to provide to ours. Maybe the fact that I didn’t have it has made me feel the importance of it more strongly.</p>
<p>It is interesting to think of them graduating next year. Now THAT is when I feel my job will be really done. I have tremendous confidence in their ability to shoulder whatever the choose to shoulder. :)</p>
<p>My parents never went to college and I did everything on my own regarding my education (figuring it out and also funding it) but it suited my personality and I think I was one of those kids who did fine without it. maybe better because of it.</p>
<p>Our kids, totally different lives. They’ve had so many opportunities and options I never had. Probably somewhat less street smart than I was, but they are very independent and very strong willed about what they want and value. So I see myself helping with a lot of little stuff that makes me feel useful but the real decisions are theirs. I love to collect info, sharinf qhat i learn ( because i enjoy it) so that is where I can be useful. </p>
<p>But I agree with the others, it’s always a balance. All of parenting feels that way…you can worry you are too strict or too leninent, too pushy or not pushy enough, too involved or not involve enough. And to complicate it, what makes sense with one kid might not with another.</p>
<p>Finally, I would add that what impacts kids most is not the superficial
appearance of parental behacior observed by outsiders, but rather what is actually (but mostly implicitly) said, felt, communicated throughout a whole childhood of family dynamics.</p>
<p>I really wanted to go away from our flagship U for many reasons & did everything on my own to make it possible. I researched, found an affordable program, got independent merit & need based scholarships, and did everything but buy my own plane ticket. I even got a summer job but my folks insisted I return home & work in my hometown every summer. I was able to work part-time and get merit and FAid to pay for all of my college & grad school, graduating with the same amount in savings as the amount of my loan.</p>
<p>The folks were surprised things worked out as well and inexpensively as they did. I did not feel unduly burdened, as the merit scholarships and grants were very helpful in lightening the financial load and I would not have wanted to add to their expenses, since I am one of a large family.</p>
<p>It worked OK for me, but I feel very fortunate that I was in a position to help my kids as much as they and we felt appropriate. My sibs had the degree of help that they needed from our folks–most needed and got considerably more assistance, financially and otherwise.</p>
<p>We have all turned out to be very successful and happy–in our lives and careers. Balance is the key–most parents help as they are able and as they best judge appropriate. Most of us feel it is a pivitol part of parenting. Due to many factors, the amount parents are able to and feel is appropriate varies widely. It is part of life.</p>
<p>We were very involved with D1 in helping her out with college application. During first few years of college, we discussed about her classes, she called to let me know how she did on her exams, we talked about all of her ups and downs of each relationship, and I made all of her air travel arrangements. </p>
<p>I did wonder how long we would continue this relationship, just like when she was a baby I wondered how long I was going to continue to feed her. Every time I read a thread like this I wondered if I was doing something wrong. Now she is a graduating senior, I believe we did just fine. She found a job, with very little involvement from us. She is comfortable in making all of her travel (living) arrangements now. She just got a notification from her company about traveling to London for 2 months training this summer, she is handling it all. She is looking for an apartment to move into after graduation. Other than telling us her progress and consulting us on how much she should spend, we are not involved. Her dad will fly up to look at final few at the end, but her name will be on the lease and she will be responsible for it financially. I helped her with filling out her benefit package, but I am pretty certain she will do it without me next time. She is in a serious relationship now. She is telling me less about what is going in the relationship and is shifting her dependancy on us to this young man, which is a normal thing to do. I asked her if she wanted to fly out to see us on Labor Day after her training (we were willing to pay for her flight), she politely told us she maybe busy because her BF is visiting her.</p>
<p>I think D1 is smarter and more worldly than I was at her age. A lot of it is due to our close relationship and what we have exposed her to. She learned from us on how to solve problems. She watched me negotiate with her landlord for the first time (we went through her lease, I showed her which clause needed to be out, and who she should consult if she wasn’t sure). She listened to me on the phone while I spoke with her school’s administrator. More importantly, growing up she was accustom to us talk about various issues at work, and I think she will be very prepared to navigate through coporate politic at work.</p>
<p>Seeing how D1 has turned out (independent and self assured), I am a lot less uptight with D2 now. Instead of trying to push her out (like I did with D1 from time to time), I am going to enjoy few more years of involvement with her.</p>
<p>We are probably like many here. We don’t handhold, but we are there if the kids ask for support or have questions or need money and they know that all they need to do is ask. And they do call and ask sometimes for help or advice…or money. Sometimes we remind them or ask them to take care of something (like getting an apartment lined up in a timely manner before they leave campus for the summer.) Reminders tend to be about things that will impact us greatly. Both my H and I were raised by parents who did go to college and I remember my parents being minimally involved…at least enough to tell me “no” regarding one college that I wanted to attend. I remember them getting involved when I went on foreign study. I’m guessing our parents were involved about as much as H and I have been involved…I do not think we ever impeded our children and I do not think we ever coddled our children…we’re smack in the middle somewhere.</p>
<p>This is very simple. Parents who are less involved than I am are lazy, absentee parents who don’t love their children and don’t care if they fail. Paren’ts who are more involved than I am are neurotic, controlling helicopter parents who will destroy their children’s independence and blight their future.</p>
<p>So just read all my old posts, follow exactly that level of involvement, and the results should be perfect.</p>
<p>When I was going through the college application process I would have welcomed ANY involvement. But like a previous posted mentioned - I barely got by, I survived, but I did not thrive. I don’t look back fondly on my college years - I took a full class load and worked 30-40 hours per week to pay the bills. And the world was less complicated back then.</p>
<p>So, I think that giving kids a little help and guidance so that they can navigate through all the information (and sometime conflicting information) is a good thing. Also, college is a big finanical investment. Most people don’t just jump into big investments but actually seek out advice…</p>
<p>I was 7th of 8 kids, and tackled everything ‘college’ on my own; from applying to paying, and everything inbetween. It would have been a great benefit to have more general parental guidance and supurt along the way… it just wasn’t inthe cards.</p>
<p>My husband and I want to do more for our kids in this regard, because we can. So yes, we guided S1 to research and select the college where he will grow and thrive over the next four years… but he had tremendous input, and the final say of where that would be. </p>
<p>We will pay for our kids’ educations… except for a nominal, annual student loan and spending money, which must be earned through summer employment. We will repay the student loans, provided they maintain Dean’s List status. We feel strongly that our kids need to have some skin in the game. Everyone’s family circumstances are different… we all should understand and respect that. </p>
<p>The thing that makes me crazy centers on extreme helicopter parents who micromanage the process from soup to nuts, to the point that their student is simply along for the ride. I have heard of cases where parents select their student’s pool of schools based on their own needs and wants, decide their student’s common app essay topic, and then go so far as to heavily edit or essentially pen it for their child. IMO, that is not only a borderline moral hazard, but it is counterproductive to fostering independence and genuine, long-term success/happiness in a child- which is what I believe is a fundamental duty, in my job as a parent. My philospohy has always been to give my kids enough rope to hang themselves… but to be there to catch them, if they do.</p>
<p>With the diversity of experiences, personalities, and outcomes who can really judge for someone else? Most everyone wants what’s best. Well naturally that’s going to vary --some need more, some less. Some have more resources, some fewer. Some have lots of experience and information to lend, some not so much. So we tread different paths all hoping to arrive at what’s best from our specific vantage point. We don’t all start from the same place. Who knew? </p>
<p>Ultimately, being envious or judgemental where others are concerned adds no value to our own situation, so what’s the point?</p>
<p>I’m here because I’m interested in the process and in education, and I have a somewhat obsessive tendency to research things heavily. I use the knowledge here to be a resource for my daughter, not to tell her what to do. So when she found she was interested in small, liberal, liberal arts colleges which were good for vegetarians, etc. I was able to point her toward some.</p>
<p>It’s an unsettling reality that the goal of parenting is to raise an independent human being and then move out of the way. We all make different decisions along that path – whatever seems right for our children and for us. There are certainly extremes on both ends (love your comment, Hunt) – but helping my kids navigate the increasingly complex world of college admissions is appropriate.</p>
<p>For me personally, hanging out here with other parents feeds my need to think about this and keeps me away from bugging my daughter about it!</p>
<p>catUofT, as someone who has had to work for everything they have had in life, including getting and working through college, would you not want better for your children? I know I do.
My outlook on life changed for the better only when I finally realized that I did not have to shoulder the burdens of life alone. It is not a sign of weakness to need and accept help from others.</p>
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Just because someone gets help and support from their parents doesn’t mean they will end up feeling entitled or privileged. Part of being a good parent is making sure that doesn’t happen.</p>
<p>My parents (and guidance counselor) were completely uninvolved and unhelpful. I was overwhelmed by the college application process, applied to a couple of schools where I had no realistic chance of being accepted, and to my local gigantic state university (because I didn’t have to write an essay!). Ended up at PSU, which was not in any way a good fit and where I was very unhappy. So I knew I was going to be much more involved with my own kids’ college search/application process. Of course I don’t think I’ve been an overinvolved helicopter parent – does anyone? :)</p>
<p>I can completely relate to this statement! I really enjoy the topic and it is best if most of my thinking about it, collecting info. etc. remains with me or I would drive my offpsring crazy. I wonder if that is true for a lot of parents on here (we look much more involved and hand-holding on CC than we are ‘allowed’ to be in real life). </p>
<p>One thing that helps me find balance in terms of not controlling too much is to look for and take cues from my kids (though maybe that only works for us because I tend toward too much control). But mine at least seem to signal when they can or want do things themselves and my job is to respect that (however much I would LIKE helping or would like to control the process or outcome!). </p>
<p>I see this quite recently with practice drives. In the beginning I could give constant advice, warnings, guidance and I did! It worked well for both of us. They are driving, I’m guiding and giving tons of advice which lets me be largely in control. Now months later, when I attempt this same kind of ‘guidance’ with the same teen (with a ton more knowledge and driving ability and confidence), I get lots of push back. “Mom, stop it, I know! I know to stop at the red light already!” So I’ve gone from being a helpful guide to an unsure teen, to being an annoying backseat driver who may be undermining their self-confidence and thwarting their ability to drive independently (or maybe just creating unnecessary tension!). And I have to bite my tongue.</p>