Parents: Why do you do things for your kids?

Parent Cafe
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<p>So, I've noticed on CC that a lot of parents routinely do things for their 17 and 18 year olds who are registering for college. They do things like fill out the FAFSA, call the school with questions, send in documents for them, and check their online accounts to make sure everything is up to speed. They also want to check on what dorms are best for their kids and what types of classes they should take.</p>

<p>My question is: Why?</p>

<p>I simply don't understand it. I don't mean it in a rude or condescending tone whatsoever. I'm genuinely curious. I think, for me, it's just very odd because my parents (who I love, deeply admire, and call every single day because I want to) have rarely done these things once I got to college. The choice of going to college was always squarely placed on me. My parents NEVER said: "You have to go to college." When I turned 18, the idea was that I would either continue in school or get a job, but the decision was completely up to me.</p>

<p>When I applied for colleges, my parents didn't really put much input into my decision. My dad attended maybe three school tours (of more than ten) with me. My mom didn't go to any. When I finally got into college, I asked to see my dad's tax returns and I completed the FAFSA on my own. When I had problems arise, I always called. I attended orientation alone. I figured out which dorms were best and what classes that I needed to take. And I've paid for 95% of my schooling on my own (with the help of scholarships, loans, and grants of course.) </p>

<p>I told my parents I wanted to study abroad, my dad said point blank that he and my mother could not offer me any money to make it happen. So I applied for lots and lots of scholarships, I handled the whole process, made sure things were turned in, and I made it happen. Point is... I talk to my parents every day and they give me guidance all the time, but when it comes to the day to day tasks of getting stuff done, my parents are very hands-off and it's left to me.</p>

<p>So as a parent, could you respond with why you choose to be more involved? Is it because your child, at 18 is completely lost in the complex transition from home to college? Do your kids want your help? Are you just interested in keeping up with what they're doing? When you ask your kids what they did today, do they always respond "Not much."?Are my parents just really weird/bad parents for not doing more? Am I too independent/stubborn for my own good? Seriously. I'm really curious and I think it would be great to learn about different parenting styles!</p>

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<p>You are making it sound very black and white…and it’s not. We discussed a lot of things with our 17 and 18 year olds because THEY wanted our input. We didn’t do things for them, but often did things WITH them…like completing the FAFSA and CSS Profile. We did not call the colleges on their behalf, but helped them know who to call, and when. </p>

<p>Both of our kids were quite independent and could handle just about any situation thrown at them. BUT they knew we had many years of life experience to draw on that they did not have, and we were very willing to share.</p>

<p>There is a lot in between not helping at all…and doing everything for your kids. </p>

<p>Our kids are 20 something college grads now, and guess what? Sometimes they still want input from mom and dad. </p>

<p>We view this as being part of a helpful and caring family.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t hand my kids my tax returns, they are none of their business. So financial aid forms sure weren’t going to be filled out without my help.</p>

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<p>Some kids really do handle all of this themselves. CC is not exactly the real world, sometimes. </p>

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<p>Not sure if this counts, but we share a deductible and HSA so I need them to know what needs to be on the claim for an out of network provider. </p>

<p>“So as a parent, could you respond with why you choose to be more involved?”</p>

<p>Depends on the kid; parenting is like a ballet. You have to know your partner.</p>

<p>“Is it because your child, at 18 is completely lost in the complex transition from home to college?”</p>

<p>No</p>

<p>"Do your kids want your help? "</p>

<p>Sometimes</p>

<p>"Are you just interested in keeping up with what they’re doing? "</p>

<p>Yes, but I would leave out the “just”.</p>

<p>When you ask your kids what they did today, do they always respond “Not much.”</p>

<p>I don’t ask that, and I almost never call. But my D sometimes calls when waiting for the bus. Today while shopping for tp. Great update and it took five minutes. We do play words with friends regularly. </p>

<p>"Are my parents just really weird/bad parents for not doing more? Am I too independent/stubborn for my own good? "</p>

<p>That sounds silly to me. Of course not!</p>

<p>“Seriously. I’m really curious and I think it would be great to learn about different parenting styles!”</p>

<p>Ask your grandparents!</p>

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<p>DS was BUSY his senior year, and I had a vested interest in the finances. He was NMF, and there were big scholarships at stake (or so I thought). So I did a lot of the research and travel planning. </p>

<p>Also I did FAFSA etc (we kept our financial details private from teens… not knowing the real world they’d think we were richer than reality). This arrangement worked out well - it kept me busy, less prone to fuss much over his slow progress on the college apps and such. </p>

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<p>Ah yes…travel planning. I did that because I was paying for the trips!</p>

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<p>My thoughts are similar to @colorado_mom. The future expense of tuition, and the possibility of huge scholarships, essentially meant that there was over $200,000 on the line. I wasn’t about to stand by and watch that kind of money end up out of reach because of a screw-up with a missed deadline.</p>

<p>@AUGirl, you sound very mature and independent. There isn’t any right or wrong way to get through the college process. I didn’t want to completely hand over the reins to my daughter and risk financial disaster and/or watch her sit on the sidelines for a gap year because there was a problem with the application process.</p>

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<p>DS is a junior, but we’re visiting schools that he can’t reach without assistance (e.g, he doesn’t have a license, can’t afford a plane ticket on his own). He’s also swamped and appreciates my help. He knows what he wants to study and knows the type of college he wants to attend but I’m helping with the research.</p>

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<p>Frankly, my son would be working a minimum wage job and couch surfing at a friend’s house if I wasn’t all up in his face. I keep hoping the maturity will kick in … still waiting. I have another child who is completely independent, and she assures me he will eventually be able to function on his own.</p>

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<p>D handled everything herself, except the FAFSA and CSS. The timing was just too tight, and D was very busy that week. </p>

<p>D researched the schools that interested her, and completed the applications herself. I don’t have access to any of the portals. She flew alone 3000+ miles to visit schools after she was accepted. I don’t think that me taking care of the FAFSA and CSS means she was any less independent or responsible for the process.</p>

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<p>@AUGirl,
Since this is going to cost me more than a quarter of a million dollars, am I supposed to just write a blank check?</p>

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<p>I think the answer to your questions lies in the fact that the vast majority of CC posters are at the end of the day a pretty homogenous group. You say that when you finished high school it was expected that you would either get a job or go to college. While I have no data to back this up, I am going to venture a guess that your typical CC poster (parent or child), has the expectation that college will follow high school. With the competitive nature of the process, and when taking into account how much is expected of high schoolers academically and otherwise, I think parents just do what they can to help their progeny achieve the goal of a college acceptance.</p>

<p>I also agree with the poster above who commented that each child is different. My eldest who is starting the college process is attending boarding school back East. So we will have minimal input. She and her college counselor have put together a list, we have taken a look and think it is fine. We have provided transportation to the colleges for visits, but this is a child who will drive the process. Now the one coming up behind her is a different story. If we do not assist this child with keeping track of deadlines and help with researching schools, we will end up with a gold plated fiasco on our hands. He has many, many wonderful qualities and is quite bright, but organization and attention to detail is, at least right now, not one of his strengths. So yes, we will do more for this child. Will we fill out applications for him or write essays? Absolutely not. But we will assist with organization and keeping him on track.</p>

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<p>Oh! “gold plated fiasco” May I use that? Priceless. :slight_smile: </p>

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<p>All families are different I suppose like in my family with foreign parents I’m in charge of paying the bills and making all family/financial decisions so I will so all college stuff by myself but my fully american friends have their parents do everything for them I guess its just depends on the student and how dependent/independent they are </p>

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<p>I’m sure that among your friends, there are different parenting styles, and if you surveyed your friends you’d find differing amounts of parental involvement in everything from participating in their sporting events to helping with homework. College admissions is no different, and helping one’s kid find a good fit for college is one of the areas in which parents might actually be able to be helpful, unlike most of what goes on in high school.</p>

<p>I know my two kids loved the college trips they took with their dad and the special time they spent with him, and they were able to use him as a sounding board and adviser in a way that they never would have with someone who didn’t know and love them like he does.
I was home during the day and the kids were in school from 7am to 6pm, so I was happy to help them keep track of their mail and deadlines. It was a collaborative effort, and I do think I was able to relieve a little of the stress. They were happy with the outcomes, enjoyed their four years, and are off doing their post-grad things.<br>
I see them much less often than I would like these days, and I’m grateful that I took advantage of being involved in their lives when they were under my roof. :wink: </p>

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<p>I helped my kids with the college process because, frankly, I know a lot more than they do about the process (6 degrees between my H and me). Now that my D is applying to graduate school, I suspect that she will do most of the legwork on her own because she is more experienced. </p>

<p>IMO, parenting is like an apprenticeship program. First, I do it for you and you watch. Next, you do it and I watch (supervise). Finally, when you have enough experience, you can do it entirely on you own. For me, this system works with just about any task that you are trying to teach from making a bed, to applying for college. </p>

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<p>OP,</p>

<p>We do it because we want to! </p>

<p>And if I had left the whole grueling, mind numbing process up to her GCs(they did absolutely NOTHING), then she would have ended up at our local CC (which is more like 13th grade). Sad to say but the majority of her classmates will end up there this fall. They didn’t see a first generation, inner city dwelling kid having the ability to make it to the Ivy League or other HSCs. </p>

<p>The college admissions process began in freshman year for dd. The planning of classes, the fighting the GC and the principal for more rigor, the planning of summer programs 6-7 months out and knowing the deadlines, hunting for ECs(they aren’t advertised so yes, one has to hunt for them), carting DD to ECs an hour away and those ECs in NYC via train, sifting through College Confidential to figure out what was required of competitive applicants(and finding other resources that aren’t discussed anyplace else), keeping up with her transcript because had I not, it would have been replete with huge errors that they probably wouldn’t have been fixed at a later date…the list goes on OP. </p>

<p>So why do I do it? Because I wanted to. And knew that if I didn’t do it, no one else would have cared enough to do it. </p>

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<p>OP - I do find it strange that your parents left it up to you to do everything. I did a bet of search on your posts and saw your dad is a lawyer, which to me meant your family is probably some what “comfortable” (not trying to count people’s money). So, it does strike me as unusual that your parents would not be able to help out with your tuitions/study abroad, and you have to be on your own for everything. </p>

<p>It seem like you are interested in going to law school some day. You posted few questions on CC. Why wouldn’t your own father able to give you some guidance? My older daughter wanted to go into finance. It was my career for 25+ years, so I helped her with internships and the interview process. She landed her dream job and is doing very well. I didn’t have that kind of guidance when I was young because my parents were right off the boat. I did fine, but I could have done great with some help. No, I don’t understand the idea of pounding one’s chest about doing everything on your own.</p>

<p>My father used to say to us, “Family is like a rocket. I get you off the ground first. You are the next rocket to get your kids into space. Your kids can then get their kids to land on the moon.” </p>

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<p>I think it is accepted that parents are involved in the college application process to some extent, especially when it comes to financial arrangements, and travel for a minor. This might impact college selection and choice of college. If a young person attends college, the parents’ finances are considered up to that person’s 26ths birthday. Even if the student gets enough aid to pay for college, that doesn’t cover everything the student needs in most cases. Many parents see college attendance as a bridge to adulthood, a partnership between parent and child to get the child there, and that partnership can be widely negotiated. </p>

<p>AUgirl, you seem to be doing just fine with the arrangement you have- and you have a loving relationship with your parents- so what your family does is working, but in another family it might not- and that family would want to do what works for them. </p>