My D (hs class of 2017) did her college search with a plan to major in biomedical engineering. Her second, backup choice of major was biology (for research not premed). I was not sure engineering was a good fit for her. I noticed that she had had a couple of Bs in math classes, and tended to enjoy spend more time on other homework than math, etc. We talked it over several times and she was determined. She did not want to look out of state and only seriously looked at one small school.
She got into our state’s public flagship, not an easy thing with its over 40,000 applications this year. And she got into our school’s second best public university and the best school with a full engineering program. The flagship has biomedical engineering but no other engineering. She chose the engineering school on March 30, for what seemed like good reasons, the full engineering program, a living and learning community for women in engineering, newer, larger engineering facilities and the chance to participate in the scholars program (sort of enrichment for gifted students). She also had several friends going to this school. Even though my husband and I are alumni of the flagship, we supported her choice, and talked about the positives.
Around high school graduation, she announced she doesn’t want to major engineering. She did not enjoy AP calculus and doesn’t want to take another calculus class. She got a 3 on the AP calc exam. She wants to major in psychology. Well at most schools a major change before attending wouldn’t be a problem. But at Engineering U everything revolves around the major. You have to apply to change majors, and you can’t apply to change majors until you’ve completed a semester. Our orientation session was for college of engineering students only. She will be living in this woman in science and engineering learning community even though her new major choice doesn’t qualify. The program in psychology is much better at the flagship than this engineering school.
She has ADD and this huge engineering university seems a bad fit all around for her. She forgot to sign up for orientation until most dates were full. At orientation, she never got any one on time with an advisor, just large groups. She hasn’t even registered for a full load. Classes were full and no one could answer her questions about what she needs to take. She was told to go home and email professors and check for open classes. This kind of daily checking and advocating is hard for her. The classes she does have are at very strange times. She loves to learn for learnings sake but at orientation they made things sound so dreary, take this and this— no discussion of how the classes are interesting or fun.
I could find my concerns easier to live with if she could at least be excited, but she isn’t. She doesn’t even look at the information they send. She has her roommate’s name but has only exchanged one email with her. She will not let us buy a t-shirt or other clothing with the school’s name. She doesn’t want to shop for dorm supplies or discuss how to decorate her dorm room. She didn’t even read her dorm assignment email closely enough to know her room number. She was surprised at orientation that the other students knew their room number.
She moves in in less than 3 weeks. I’ve always said you can get a good education many places and college is what you put into it. I’m trying to remember she was a good student in high school and will be successful. I’m trying to remember I always thought engineering wasn’t really her and psychology, liberal arts are more her thing. But I’m so so worried this isn’t the right place for her. And I’m sad that she is leaving science behind so completely for much more challenging career prospects. I’m regretting the other 2 colleges she got into which would have been much better for her if she was going to major in psychology.
If you read to the end thank you. If nothing else writing this was cathartic. I have practically bitten my tongue in two not saying this to her.
Let her decide her career and major…she needs to own this. For all you know…she will decide some STEM major is the right thing after that first term.
Vent here if you wish…then just help,your daughter organize for her move.
Innterms of her ADHD, did she have accommodations in HS…and if so, did she connect with the disabilities office at college?
She has never had accommodations in school. She was on medication freshman and sophomore year, but quit taking her medication before her hs junior year due to side effects. Junior year she still had an unweighted 3.8 GPA with multiple AP classes. Graduated top 10% of class, 1420 SAT. She can be very successful just frequently misses assignments, forgets to turn it, etc.
At her pre-college physical she told her pediatrician that she wanted to try another ADD medication for fewer side effects AND she wanted to use accommodations in college. This was a huge surprise to me, but we’re working with it. She tried two different medications and now has one. guanfacine she plans to use in college. She was given a letter for accommodations by her pediatrician. It took her over a month but she finally sent it to the disability service office and we’re waiting for her to hear back from them. Also we had a psychologist do a full evaluation of her because we weren’t sure Engineering U would take her pediatricians diagnosis. We don’t have results yet, but hopefully they will be helpful.
At orientation we found out they would have taken the pediatrician’s recommendations, but I didn’t know that because she would not call the disability service office.
Contact the DSS office. They can guide you on next steps.
Ask her if she wants to start this fall, or if she’d prefer to take a semester off to think about life, the universe, and everything. Yes it may sem like short notice, but maybe she’d appreciate at least the offer of a gap semester or year.
Then if she decides that she does want to go to this U and test the waters there for a semester or two, and your family can afford that, let her go.
There’s no one right answer here. If the school is within driving distance, I would try to get some meetings with disability services and academic advising, and of course keep talking things through with your daughter. When to push and when to rescue a scared kid is one of those tough parenting situations.
I would put the brakes on big time. She sounds scared and depressed. Can you do a gap year and have her take classes at a community college? The change in major alone sounds like enough reason to punt. The school sounds so rigid, with not letting them change majors. The school may no longer be a good fit.
Tuition Insurance. Get it now. It will help if she ends up with a medical withdrawal.
I think asking an open ended question to your D in a relaxed, non-judgmental atmosphere might allow you to gain insight into what your D is thinking and feeling about college.
See if you can get her to express herself, so you have some clue of how to support her. Does she need some organizational structure with a tutor or life Coach for her first semester, to keep her on track with assignments? Do you need to find a therapist in her college town and arrive a few days early ?
Is her lack of interest coming from fear of college in general, or from this college in particular? Or is this an ADD paralysis of her being overloaded with too many tasks inside her brain?
Offer the Gap semester or year, along with offer to reapply to different schools next year if she wants.
So glad you are venting here and hopefully you will get some good advice.
Best wishes as you struggle through this situation.
Lots of concerns here, sorry for the struggle. While college is supposed to be an exciting time, many realize before or just after starting they made the wrong choice. ugh, that is hard.
One of the red flags to me is the living/social situation at the new school, if she is 100% out of engineering. Is she sure of that change? Maybe she is just worried it is too hard? Not many people enjoy Calculus. Every major has a necessary evil component to it.
If she is sure of the change, the positive is she can eventually change, the negative is that she will start in a group where she will feel like she doesn’t belong. She will miss that small freshman window to meet “her people” in the right community. However, she will just have to work harder to meet people in classes, around campus and in clubs. It can be done, there are certainly others who go through the same thing, but it does make it harder than those that have their groove coming in the door.
What works for me is to take the one in turmoil out to dinner or lunch (maybe start with quick shopping errand as a decoy), sit in a relatively private booth where the rest of the world is closed out like a BJ’s (where it’s too loud to hear anyone else’s conversation). This creates an atmosphere for what @powercropper said - relaxed, non judgmental conversation. You need to dig deeper with her and take the “mom opinions” out, just ask the needed questions and really listen to see what she is really thinking. Psychology may just be a parachute reaction for now, she may end up in something else entirely different anyway. If it is apparent it is the absolute wrong choice, put on the brakes like @astro77 said and start working on plan B.
It is good you are venting and trying to resolve this now, it seems hard, but what can be worse is being a full one or two years in and realizing their college experience was a big error. There are a lot of people that go through that too which can be sad cause we all want them to have “this time” if they can.
She is not in jail - there are options and choices you all can make. If in the same situation, I may even make a call on the down low to the other schools, or if in driving distance go talk to someone, and see if there are options for now or future - never hurts to ask. Sincerely wish you all happiness going forward!
@CADREAMIN , this is an awesome statement: “She is not in jail - there are options and choices you all can make.” It’s helpful for the OP and daughter and helpful for me! Thank you.
Honestly, I didn’t expect my kid with a pretty significant learning disability to do all the checking and advocating on her accommodations. I helped her figure out the process to apply, suggested who to call or email and what to say, and followed up to make sure she did it. Of course once she got on campus she had to handle it, but I gave her a solid “training wheels” push, and reminded her a few times on campus to take the steps needed to get the accommodations for each class in place. After a couple semesters she didn’t need reminding.
Our family has experienced some unexpected twists in life. We have had to own our detours from the normal path we see others traveling on.
We have made out of the box choices so often that we now say we can’t even see our box anymore. Once you can push off expectations of others, you can see more unusual options for the situation.
Do what is best for your D, and then stand beside her against those who won’t understand her decision. Come up with a short, pat answer to deflect those intent on arguing against her decision.
Give her the option of a gap year/semester. There are lots of red flags here IMO.
My roommate went to our public science & engineering college to major in engineering. He knew he didn’t want to but that was the only way his parents would pay. He ended up switching to Psych but the first few semesters of engineering slaughtered his GPA and he has a ton of debt to boot. He would’ve loved the time off to figure things out if his parents had allowed it.
It is sometimes a problem when kids feel they need to come up with a major and a career path prematurely. This often comes from the schools and peers so not saying from family 
And your family was smart in urging her to apply to schools that offered a range of options in terms of area of study.
I think there are many reasons for her not to go to the engineering school, but that’s me.
I would suggest 1) contacting the school she would prefer for psych. or other subjects, with a social situation she would enjoy, and good advising…Does she prefer the flagship or the small school? it is possible that one of the ones she got into could admit her or get her on a path to admittance 2) if she cannot matriculate the school might have continuing education or may allow unregistered students to take classes so she could get started and then enter in the next semester
It might be good to stay on the horse, so to speak, and do some school in this way, still live at home if it is nearby, and then transition more slowly and enter in the winter. Unless she wants a gap year.
As for ADHD clearly she is bright. There is no definitive way to diagnose it other than a questionnaire and interview and a primary can often do that. Psychiatrist too. Neuropsych. isn’t needed for that but can rule out other problems.
A good psychiatrist can deal with the medication issues. There are many new ones around.
The disabilities office will give her letters for professors but that is about it. She will have to talk to professors about accommodations in many cases. In our experience, often a student deals with a dean or health services and they can communicate with professors with specific situations. Make sure she has extra advising or someone who helps with time management- a therapist or coach.
Tuition refund insurance whenever appropriate.
If she were just anxious I would say go with her and stay nearby for a week, and maybe visit over the summer. But the engineering box doesn’t sound like a good pick nor does that school sound like a good place for her to be when transitioning out of the home.
Good luck!
My daughter goes to a STEM school, but the next biggest major is psychology. Bio, forensic, autism. That program is also heavily science centered.
From reading posts on CC, I have found that having kids who seem disinterested on indecisive in the process is a common thing. Also having kids get anxiety right before they leave is common. My daughter, has been telling me all along: “Don’t worry Mom! I’ll be fine - I don’t think you realize how adaptable I am!” whenever I have brought up challenges she might face in college. Well suddenly, last week she came in and told me she couldn’t sleep because she was having an existential crisis! She was going to someplace where she didn’t know a soul! How was her Dad going to handle her absence during Halloween and Valentine’s Day! (He and she are the holiday people in our family), What if she couldn’t come home for Christmas! She’s obviously finally realizing this new experience is staring at her right in the face and it’s bothering her. She is very outgoing and has gone off to summer camps and other trips without batting an eye, but she’s finally realizing this isn’t a week long trip.
I don’t see your daughter wanting to change majors as a reason to “punt” or put the brakes on her plans. Many schools require students to be admitted into a specific major, but they know that kids often change majors so I don’t see this as a huge problem - I’m sure none of them kick the kids to the curb if they change their minds. I think it would be interesting to see some statistics on the percentage of students who do change majors - I would imagine that it is fairly high.
My daughter also thinks she wants to major in psychology (school psychology), but she isn’t sure (and yes I’m concerned about her career prospects also, but she definitely is not a STEM girl). She will be attending small LAC. I’ve recommended that she talk to her advisor and try to take as many gen ed classes not relating to any particular major for the first couple of semesters in case so she will have some time to ponder on her choices.
Also, I have done a lot of research on psychology majors and most schools do have a pretty similar curriculums and most of them require calculus because of all the statistical analysis involved. So in all likelihood, she’ll have to take calculus for either major she’s currently considering.
Could you (or coach her) into contacting the school’s disability office to get them involved in helping her sort out her course selection and schedule AND talk to them about the change of major situation? As in, can she switch from engineering to undecided at this point? That is something they are supposed to assist with as I understand. My daughter’s school also has a sort of counseling service for all students to help them with these types of issues (not mental health) whether they have a disability or not. A student with ADD who is being told to “just contact the professors and see who has openings” to complete her enrollment sounds ridiculous to me especially for a freshman. My daughter is going to a very small school and the only instructions she’s been given so far is to “look at the course catalog and see what courses interest you”. They do have a weeklong freshman orientation session the first week of school where they work with the students on their final course selections, but I think my daughter’s system is ridiculous also. Her school requires a gen ed program where courses have to be taken in four different categories, but when you look at the course catalog, many of the classes in the categories are only available to sophomores or above, require several visits to schools or museums during the semester (she’s an athlete and doesn’t have time for that), or are only offered in the spring or “occasionally”. And they expect a freshman to sort through all of this stuff on their own with very little direction? I’ve spent hours on the website trying to wade thru prerequisites and requirements and time schedules and just came to the conclusion that nothing but one on one help from her advisor was going to be adequate to help her come up with a course plan.
In any case, the suggestions to have a relaxed but frank discussion with your daughter about whether she really wants to attend college right now is good advice, but I’d bet she will tell you definitely yes, especially since several of her friends are attending the same school. Which is a good thing in my mind. She’ll have close friends to help her along the way after all this course and major selection is settled. I think your daughter will do fine if she keeps in contact with the disability services office and takes advantage of the accommodations that are available to her. She seems very intellectually capable. The only problem I can see that she might encounter is that her professors will not be very forgiving of a student missing assignments or forgetting to turn it in - you might need to keep in close contact with her during her first semester to make sure she stays on track. I know some parents, especially here on CC, wouldn’t dream of doing that kind of hand holding (or at least admit to doing it), but I think there is probably a good percentage of kids that would benefit from that type of “assistance” - there probably wouldn’t be so many kids wasting their time and their parents money if they got a few helpful reminders every now and then.
Lots of good advice here. I am with those who think she needs a gap year. Not a semester though. It’s hard to start in the spring when people have already established friendships, unless she is a very confident kid who easily makes friends.
She might be a legal adult, but you are paying so you have a lot of say in the matter. In your shoes, I would pull the parent card. I would explain, giving all the very sound reasons you have listed, that you think its best that she take a break and use the year to think about what she really wants to study. I would ask the college if it’s too late to defer. If by late fall she is very sure she won’t be studying engineering, she can withdraw and apply to new colleges. She can contact the others she was accepted at and ask if her application can be reactivated, which some collleges will do. I believe she will have to then withdraw from the other colleges though.
I suspect that you will be wasting a lot of money on a semester’s worth of tuition if she beings as planned. The fact that she is not interested in preparing for the move is a huge red flag at this point. This is a lot of money to spend on what seems like a bad bet. Put time on both your sides.
I agree that many students, at this point in the game, may be resistant or anxious, and many of those same students to end up thriving (sometimes the adjustment takes a semester or two).
But in this case, if she is in the engineering school, cannot change her major and is immersed in a living and learning community for engineering students, it may be alienating if she no longer fits in. Is she required to take into classes in the engineering sequence? Have you or she talked to the school about what courses she can take in anticipation of changing majors. She also has to change schools, right?
Statistics is often the math class for social science, not calculus, but maybe some schools do require it-?
The ADHD (inattentive I assume) does require some preparation. Only you and your child know how much of a role home support has Does she manage her time well without you?
Resistance to dealing with bureaucracy could be common and normal, but she will have to deal with a need for accommodations, extra advising, maybe coaching, and communicating with dean and professors- unless she has not needed extra support at home.
Please don’t expect much from the disabilities office and investigate how their system works for accommodations. It is probably just letters to the prof.'s that your daughter hands them, but often someone else actually helps, as I said before, like a dean or doctor or therapist.
If you can afford it, ADHD coaching is available online and on the phone. You could call Landmark for names. It is often helpful to have the kid connect to someone else for this rather than have the parent continue. But it depends.
If she can avoid intro engineering courses and live outside the engineering community, she could start at this school and stay or transfer once she decides. Negotiating a wrong choice of school (engineering, not the college itself) and the transition of leaving home may be a lot for her along with the ADHD.
I thought about the social issues of starting second semester elsewhere. I know kids who have studied abroad the first semester and also kids who had medical leaves along the way. Entering the social scene while other are also new has its advantages as do the orientation sessions, but not for everyone. My kids avoided the group ice cream socials and so on and two of mine did fine missing a semester.
Did I miss this in the thread? Is she seeing a therapist? If not, highly recommend!!!
One of our kids did a 180 change in major mid-summer before freshman year, after having already registered for classes. She also ditched a STEM path, saying she was feeling burnt out after four years at a rigorous high school.
It all worked out, but we were very surprised because she was removing colleges from her list during application season based on whether the original major was offered or not.
Then, over the summer, she met a boy, and told her therapist she wasn’t sure she even wanted to go to college!
I think it can be hard to tell, when you’re in the thick of it, what’s a normal welling up of anxiety, and what’s a red flag of more serious storms ahead.
So many great points. One specific detail - have not met engineers (I am one) who don’t embrace or delight in calculus. Like a musician would like music.