<p>I need help!!! My daughter was always a hard working student and did well in school. She always thought she knew what she wanted to do-Engineering with a sustainable energy concentration. She absolutely hates college. she is failing 3 classes, she is working very hard, requested tutors, nothing is helping her pass tests. She is having panic and anxiety attacks. she is seeking counseling and getting advice on what to do next semester. I am terrified for her, she cries everyday. She hates being there on weekends because everyone parties and she hates to be around people that drink. I do not know what to do. She is on the raquetball team, which she loves, but that does not seem to be enough right now. I am in desperate need of help.</p>
<p>How far from home is she? Seeking out mental health assistance is the first step here. Sounds like she’s doing that. Which is a good sign.</p>
<p>Does she feel the reason she’s failing is because of her being away from home or is it college in general?</p>
<p>She’s only been in school a couple of months and how she feels right now may not be how she feels by May. It sounds like she’s getting counseling, which is good. Suggest she explore the possibility of withdrawing from one of her tougher classes to ease her academic load/stress level. Assure her that she WILL find people who don’t party to hang out with - it may just take a little time. And assure her she’d doing everything she should be doing and acting like the young adult she is - getting academic/psychological help. Lots of kids have a tough time in college at first, and she may be one of them. Here’s hoping this phase will pass, for her sake - and yours.</p>
<p>Does she know if her courses are graded on a curve. Many times engineering classes give out very low grades and it isn’t until the end of the semester they figure out their real grades. Did she use AP credits to bypass any courses that would put her in more advanced classes than others? Does she have a study group for homework “sets”? Just some thoughts.</p>
<p>Does she have a compatible roommate? This could be a major source of her anxiety. </p>
<p>Does she have access to a counselor, within the Engineering department, that can give her some personalized attention and get her back on track? Does she have easy access to study groups?</p>
<p>Is there a club she can join that is alligned with her interests and social expectations?</p>
<p>Is there a “special someone” (boyfriend) at home or at another school that she left behind when she went off to college or is she homesick as denise515 asked? </p>
<p>As a parent of a college student myself, it must be extremely difficult to see you and your daughter going through this. Good luck to you both.</p>
<p>Having a D go thru almost the same exact thing 2 years ago and same major(though she didn’t hate school itself) your daughter needs to speak to her professors ASAP. Once she does that, most if not all will be willing to meet with her prior to exams and tutor her or have a TA tutor her. My daughter started to panic after mid terms freshman year and honestly that is totally self defeating, as it only gets worse, the more they panic the less they remember come exam time. As far as grading on a curve, my d professors did not grade on a curve, majority of engineering prof tell them right up front how course is graded, HW/quizes/attendance/Exams.
Another major culprit my d figured out was her crappy eating during that time also, once she started eating well the panic lessened alot. Forming study groups is the only way to plug thru engineering classes. My d was never fond of group working, now, she wont attack any major studying without a study group. On top of the raquetball, suggest she go to the gym, hard exercising releases alot of anxiety/stress.Helped my d. </p>
<p>I feel for you I know exactly how hopeless you feel at home she will get thru it. She might wind up with a really poor first semester GPA, believe me according to my daughter most freshman engineering students are experiencing the same exact thing. Tell her to reach out to the other kids, they are all in the same boat.</p>
<p>Is she studying effectively? My d wound up in a calc class that she was placed in based on a summer exam, it was way over her head. The professor she worked with said for every 1 hour in class, it requires 2 hours of at home study/problem work. When I asked D was she doing that, she said not even close. Now she does. HS studying does not prepare kids for the insane difficulty of engineering courses.</p>
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All except for one person - your D? I doubt it. Your D just need sto seek out and make friends with like-minded non-drinkers like herself. I’m sure there are plenty of them at her college. She needs to be outgoing enough to find them and things like sports, clubs, an on-campus job, etc. can help, but the problem is likey that your D just hasn’t met enough fellow students yet to find the ones she clicks with. </p>
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It sounds as if she’s doing the right thing in seeking extra help and talking to the counselors. She may be able to pull through it but maybe she should consider switching to another major. Engineering in general isn’t for everyone and is one of the more difficult majors with lots of math, physics, and other difficult technical subjects. Engineering usually has a fairly high attrition rate of people who switch out to a non-engineering major once they discover it’s not for them for a variety of reasons. There’s nothing wrong with this - that’s part of what’s expected at college - exploring different areas and selecting or switching directions based on the new-found experience. It may just be a bump in the road and she’ll end up doing fine in her major or she may switch to another. What’s important is that the parents support her through this and that both the student and parents remain flexible through this.</p>
<p>One thought, based on coming from a family with quite a few engineers (I was a black sheep, I did CS). The kind of thing you are talking about is not uncommon, generally engineering throws you into a lot of heavy duty stuff early, and generally those classes don’t go slowly, it is very different then even AP level coursework in HS. I agree with what others have written, it would be good for her to talk to the professors and/or the TA’s to see what your D can do. Anxiety is a pain, it robs you of a lot of things, including self confidence. She also is trying to find her way in school, which makes it doubly hard, but there are plenty of kids out there who don’t party hearty and who do other things. Tell her to take a look at student clubs and activities, schools generally have more then a few of those, and many of them are far removed from the party hearty/frat kind of thing. For kids who are religious, there are usually religious groups, and for those more on the geeky side,like myself, there are usually comic con type of people, sci fi club, movie club,etc and usually some sort of program office that does things like book speakers, music groups, etc, those can be fun, too. And often you find friends in these places, people you can talk to, and having that anchor makes a big, big difference, believe me:). </p>
<p>I suspect she already is doing this, but also look into resources for study skills, most schools offer these kind of things routinely, and it is a big help. The study skills that helped get through HS might not work at college, and the other one is time management, it is very easy to lose track of time when your schedule is your own, I can attest to that one. It isn’t about length of time as much as effective time use.</p>
<p>And can I offer a suggestion, as both a parent and also as someone who had their own trials and tribulations at times at school? Let your D know you support her, that you understand she is having a hard time and that you realize that she is trying to turn it around, and that whatever happens you will be there to help her through this. I know it sounds corny and tacky, and for some people sounds like excusing failure or the like, but it isn’t, as long as you think she is trying and struggling, then let her know your support is unflagging. Far too many parents, my own included, assumed my struggles were a character defect or I was being lazy and when I had some problems their answer was in threats and anger and yelling, which frankly only made it worse, because dealing with them was as bad as what I was going through, it was making the problem even worse. </p>
<p>I wish her well, I suspect with a bit of support, time and work, she will be okay:)</p>
<p>Just want you to now this is not at all uncommon (including the panic attacks). Most of the kids having this kind of tough experience really do feel differently by spring, and things improve each year.</p>
<p>Seeing a counselor on campus will help get her help and accommodations from professors and administrative types, so as well as getting emotional support, she would get some practical help.</p>
<p>One of my daughter’s roommates last year seemed to miss entire weeks of classes due to anxiety and panic, and had a lot of trouble taking exams. The counselor and dean worked things out somehow, because she finished the year in spite of all this. But she took the steps to get help, and attended individual and group therapy.</p>
<p>Visit her a lot if you are close. That first semester, I took my daughter out for lunch a lot, and took every phone call she made.</p>
<p>Your title implies there are many difficulties (roommates, homesick, missing BF, etc.), but it seems obvious to me that your DD is struggling with one thing… her major. Engineering is brutal. My son’s roommate last year did nothing but study, morning, noon, and night. No partying, ever. No late nights playing games in the hall. No late nights at all: he went to bed at 10:00 every night and up at 6:00am. I’m guessing that’s not at all uncommon.</p>
<p>I suggest your daughter look for the things that are working for her. There’s a lot of adjustments during that freshman year, and this is only midway through the first semester. If she can withdraw from those courses where she’s failing, or give it enough push to keep her head above, go for it. But, be very careful of the courses she takes next semester. Last year, my son pretty much hated everything he was doing, but this year he has focused on taking courses that are easier, or the ones with professors he likes. Suddenly, he totally loves college like never before.</p>
<p>Some 80% of students change majors while they are in college.</p>
<p>I think your D should talk to the academic advisor and professors ASAP to see if she should withdraw the failing classes or continue. I’d rather have 3 Ws on transcript instead of being miserable and getting nowhere in the end. Put a stop loss on the stocks first then figure out ways to re-invest later. I dropped my first CS class during my first quarter but I did very well after that.</p>
<p>for JMC2010</p>
<p>I wish you and your daughter the best. Having said that, the vast majority of responses imply you and your D will find a way though by doing a number of the things suggested here. Having gone through engineering school, I think you have to also consider what mini had to say. Maybe your daughter should consider changing schools (if D thinks the load is too much/difficult) or changing majors. Engineering credits often don’t transfer that easily (at least they didn’t for me). The longer you stay, the more limited your alternatives.</p>
<p>On a much more optimistic note, my sister went through something very similar. It was the separation from my mother that she had an extremely difficult time getting over. It took the entire first year. After that, everything became much better for her. In my sister’s case, the academic issues were symptoms and not causes.</p>
<p>Ugh, I majored in engineering and I HATED my freshman year (I’m female, also)! I’d been an A+ student all through High school (valedictorian), and I got a bleeping 45 on my first exam, in honors physics!! I stuck it out, and really enjoyed my upper level design classes. I ended up with a 3.8 GPA and got a full fellowship to grad school. So there is hope! The main thing my parents did that helped was to line up a tutor for me (we didn’t have the extensive tutoring available at school like there is now). They also didn’t freak out, which I appreciated! I DID get a few Cs in college, too! A few of them won’t kill your GPA.</p>
<p>It sounds like everything going on in your D’s college life is building upon itself and creating a huge pile of “scary” stuff. Maybe it would be helpful if you could show her a way to break it down into more manageable piles so it won’t feel so overwhelming. Can you take a weekend to visit her? Panic and/or anxiety attacks can greatly affect her sleep and her health. A couple of good nights of sleep in a hotel with mom/dad might do wonders for her. It is very encouraging that she has already been seeking help from professionals.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the wonderful advice and support. She is deciding to change her major and seems excited about that. I just need to get her through this semester. Counseling is helping. She was doing really well for a couple of weeks and just panicked during a big exam last night. I am encouraging her to talk to her professors, but she has to get over the embarrassment issue. Will keep you posted.</p>
<p>Thank you:)</p>
<p>JMC - you’ve gotten some great advice here and although I haven’t read all of them in detail, I will add that asking the professor for help or accommodations for testing (perhaps in a quieter space where her panic might be less), is a common fear among students. But a confident learner asks questions. What I am the most grateful about my kids’ high school education was their teachers’ ability to give the kids the confidence and also the invitation to question them.</p>
<p>There’s some research that I can’t seem to find its origin, but I swear it’s true… The best students are those who are not afraid to ask questions or seek out help when they need it. I know it might sound counterintuitive to those for whom it came so easy in high school, but the truth is a confident learner and therefore the better student asks questions and goes to their professors for clarification and help.</p>
<p>Don’t know how you relay this to your daughter but one of professors biggest gripes is that freshman don’t come to see them with problems. That’s why they have office hours!</p>
<p>When we had a similiar situation, something that helped me keep from freaking out was when a wise person told me-- “It’s not the end of the world if your kid fails a class or two, or even drops out of college to re-group.” Every bit of it is a learning experience.</p>
<p>I’ve heard of quite a few kids who are having trouble finding the non-drinkers… Maybe because they are all sitting in their dorm rooms being miserable?</p>
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<p>Hmm…do you really think that non-drinkers are boring, miserable people? My kids aren’t drinkers and don’t sit in their dorm rooms at all - they go to parties, concerts, games, play sports, etc…they just prefer to keep their wits (and dignity) intact! Aside from not actively participating in beer pong, and taking more turns as designated driver, it doesn’t seem like their college experiences are any different than most others.</p>
<p>OP, my D had a similar first semester and at times I didn’t know if either of us would make it through! It’s very tough to get those calls, especially from our girls…and even harder to know exactly what to suggest. Sometimes they just need to vent, sometimes to cry, and sometimes there really is a problem. If your D is excited about a different major, that’s probably a good sign and maybe engineering wasn’t really her calling. </p>
<p>First semester was definitely the worst here although she managed to earn decent grades. A change to a slightly different major, a few meetings with advisors, and an unpaid internship over the summer related to her new intended major helped a lot. This year, she’s been proactive about seeking tutors for tough courses early on, going to office hours as soon as she realizes she doesn’t fully understand something, and has refined her study habits (the quantity was there, but the way she was studying in HS did not work as well in college). Most kids don’t sign up for tutoring until they’re in trouble, but she gets her pick of the good grad-level tutors because she signs up early if she’s taking a math/science class that’s known to be brutal. Half an hour a week, or every other week, is very affordable and a small price to pay for a good tutor. Many of her courses have large lectures (200 or so is normal) so office hours are the best way for students to get individual attention from the prof’s/TAs. They encourage students to come early on as they would much rather spend 5 minutes explaining a single concept than have a student come in mid-semester who has been “lost” for weeks! Also, your D may find, as mine did, that having regular study groups for some courses (especially math/sciences) is really helpful…and may minimize the times she really needs to go to her profs.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>