@Lindagaf thank you for such a thoughtful response. I think that being angry at people for having “trivial” problems is just part of the many ways I’ve found to be angry with people over the years. I always find a reason to hate people. I even caught myself doing it the other day with someone who was actually helping me. My brain was just wired to see the bad in everyone and every situation. Unfortunately I think it will take a while to change that, but this has been a good start.
@pittsburghscribe thank you. I honestly wish I came to these realizations earlier because being friendless for so long has been painful, but you are right that I’m still young, and it could’ve taken me much much longer.
Try not to blame yourself for hating people or being angry. It can be a defense mechanism. We all have ways we do it.
And I believe you can work through this. It’s human to want to protect ourselves. Do try the letter. And sometimes it takes many letters, many tries. It’s a way of working the thoughts out from deep inside. You were kind to your father, at a very young age, you need to heal. You will.
I look a life as a book with many chapters. There are lots and lots of chapters in the book. Some may represent 1 year, others may represent 1 month. Some chapters are great, others suck. Sometimes there many good chapters in a row, other times there are a ton of crappy chapters in a row. But it’s a long book, so it’ll be filled with a lot of stories. The goal is to keep reading the book because you never know what the next chapter will bring.
Enjoy the story.
Sounds like you are ready for some more positive “rewiring.” It will take time but is totally possible.
Thank you for all the responses. I wrote the letter to my Dad. Here it is, minus some profanity:
Dear Dad,
I spent years taking care of you, and that’s not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be a kid. I was supposed to play and make friends. I wasn’t supposed to be worrying about you getting lost in airports and sitting in your room depressed with no one else to talk to and forgetting how to cook and speak and walk. I was supposed to be getting lost and learning how to fall and get back up again. But I wasn’t allowed to do that; I had to be strong for you and keep it all together. That’s not how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to be strong for me.
You should’ve been taking care of me and watching me grow, but I was watching you fade away. And I didn’t think I could show you how much it hurt to see you like that. I felt like I had to pretend I was ok in front of you, but I wasn’t ok at all. And you never told me that it was ok to not be ok. Even when you had the words, you never told me that I didn’t have to take care of you all of the time, that that wasn’t my job. I needed to hear that from you, not from Mom, not from a therapist. I needed you to tell me that it was ok to take a break and do something for me. Any time I chose me over you, I felt like I was doing something wrong. And you should’ve told me that I was SUPPOSED to come first. You should’ve put me first. I was a child, and I needed you to let me be a child. But instead you watched me give up my childhood as you got sicker and sicker and I grew anxious and bitter and I picked my cuticles bloody and pulled out my hair and I haven’t had a friend in eight years because I’ve been so angry. I’m all messed up because of you, and you’re not even here to see the mess you made, let alone help me get through it.
All that time I spent taking care of you, I didn’t even know I was angry at you because I didn’t know it was ok to be angry. And I still hate myself for being angry. And the guilt has been eating away at me. I hope you never read this, but you owe me an apology. I’m not ready to forgive myself yet, but I’m not ready to forgive you either.
Love,
(My Name)
Wow this is a heavy thread. I think it’s great that you are getting this “out” and facing the anger! Kudos! Hopefully once you get past this and heal you will be more open to having friendships and once you open yourself up to that the Universe will send meaningful relationships your way, promise!
@El-Cee thank you!
xoxo
Good. Keep at it.
Did your therapist ever mention speaking to our lost ones through our hearts? A relaxed “conversation” that should have occurred. but didn’t. where you let him apologize now? I’m not sure what this practice is called. But it helped me get over my mother’s death and the terrible anger I felt. I imagined her loving and supportive, genuinely sorry.
@soontobecolleger thank you for sharing your story. I am sure a lot of caregivers out there can relate to all of your feelings.I hope you find peace in your therapy sessions and the friends you wish for
Very glad you have a good therapist and are making progress. Everyone here has given you excellent advice and support.
I am going to share my perspective and what I’ve learned over the years. I find this attitude and approach can get me through anything. First, be grateful. This is something I learned from my late father. No matter how awful your life is, has been, or what has happened to you, be grateful for what you do have. You can easily and always look around and find others who have it much worse off than you do. This perspective can keep one feeling positive and keep you, “on track.” My Dad used to take it one step further and say, “now go out and help that person who is worse off than you are.” If you help someone else, you will feel better yourself." I’ve also learned that from every negative experience I’ve experienced, I’ve grown and learned something that has helped me somewhere later in my life.
The other thing I have learned is that “everyone has their own bag of rocks.” It may seem on the outside that other’s lives are great. However, we really don’t know and if they haven’t faced challenges yet in life, they will. Some of us just meet our challenges sooner than others.
Finally, I have learned that everyone does the best they can. It may be our parents, our friends, our siblings, or co-workers, they do all they can do. It may not be what we want or what we’d like, but it’s what they’ve got. I find accepting that and not taking shortcomings in others or disappointments in others personally, it’s easier to accept people for who and what they are.
I hope you can let go of all your hurt and anger. It is very freeing and allows forward movement. Good luck.