I just flew half way across the country with all my luggage. I have a pre orientation thing today and orientation week starts tomorrow. I haven’t even moved in yet and i keep getting teary eyed every time I think about my dad.
He died during my freshman year of high school after years of a slow progressing mental illness. I am here with my mom and her boyfriend who is helping with the move and I just keep feeling like it’s supposed to be my dad here, not the moms bf. N I keep getting all emotional n asking my mom if he would’ve been proud of me n been happy moving me in.
I went through this when I got my first college acceptance letter too. It’s like all the good things are bad now too because he is not here to see it. That’s all I guess because I have some pre college things now so I don’t want my face to be all cryish.
No response necessary, but thanks to anyone who read this and/or would like to share a similar experience they’ve had.
There is never a good age for a daughter to lose her father. And the regrets continue throughout your own life. My dad died 17 years ago. I shed some tears at my own daughter’s college graduation this year, wishing he could be a part of our celebration.
Your loss is still so fresh, combined with facing your mother moving on to date someone else. Add that to making a huge transition to college, and you are sure to shed some tears.
If you are not able to get focused on your academics when classes start, please go see a college counselor. It can help just to unload your emotions to a professional.
I am a dad who has had one or more life-threatening illnesses (although all appears to be fine right now). Thus I think that I can give some perspective from a dad’s point of view.
I expect that your father was very proud of you, and would want you to be happy and do well in university. If he is watching from somewhere upstairs, then I am sure that he is thrilled to see you starting at university. The best thing that you can do to make him happy is to do well at school, and be happy yourself, and think of him smiling from ear to ear every time you accomplish something significant and every time you get an A.
I did not have your specific experience but I understand your pain. Please be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve, but if you start feeling that the grief is interfering with your daily activities, seek help.
OP- nobody who has been in your shoes thinks that your response in any way is childish or inappropriate. Bottom line- yes, it should be your Dad moving you in, shoving furniture around to make room for your books and what-nots, and standing in line for you to get your course packets or whatever. Big hug to you. I bet there are a lot of people who are overwhelmed with pride for you and your accomplishments- maybe it will help to send an email to a member of your dad’s family-- I bet they miss him too and will be thrilled to hear how move-in went.
My best friend from college had lost her dad late in her senior year of high school, and often spoke of how hard it was for her not to have him around to lean on and share things with as we went through our four years there together. Having seen her struggle with that, I really feel for you and am so sorry for your loss! I hope you find someone at school you can open up to about this, and don’t hesitate to seek out professional counseling if you think you need it. You can probably find those services on campus and possibly even for free.
Hugs to you. My brother died in an accident 2 years ago, right before his 2nd son got his college acceptance. His 3rd child/oldest daughter left for college recently – My s-i-l shared photos of her move-in. I was just thinking how proud my brother would be to see how well his daughter and her 5 sibs are doing. It is normal to be missing your dad today. If you are close to any of your dad’s relatives they might appreciate seeing a photo of you at your college. Be sure to thank your mom and her boyfriend for helping you move in, too!
I’m so sorry that you lost your father so young and that each milestone brings sorrow as well as happiness/excitement.
My good friend’s husband died too young, and their oldest daughter started college a few months later. They greatly missed him being there; my friend said things like, “He should have been there to help move her stuff in, to hug her with me, to pray with us…” It’s a hard thing.
Thank your Mom again even if you already have. This must be difficult for both of you, and you can (hopefully) lean on each other.
I agree that counseling might be good–even if you have already had it before.
I totally understand. Your feelings are TOTALLY normal! Even if your parent passed away quite some time ago, it is pretty common for that grief to come back and resurface at certain times in your life…especially at major life milestones like you’re going through…graduating from high school, moving into the dorms at college, etc.
If you practice a particular religious faith, then I would encourage you to lean on that in your grief. Talk about it with others because often it just helps to say it out loud to get it off of your chest.
My mom died of cancer when my kids were really young. It was really hard. I read your post and it made me cry because I so totally relate to how you are feeling right now. Sometimes you just want to be able to pick up the phone and call your parent and say, “Hi! How was your day? Here’s what I’m up to.” When I feel that way, I share those feelings with someone close to me. I might also choose to share it with a friend who has also lost a close loved one.
That feeling has come up at what sometimes feels like random moments. Like I’ll be in the grocery store and will hear one of my mom’s favorite songs. Or like when we took a family vacation to Disneyland … the happiest place on Earth. We had a wonderful time but I did also shed a few tears because that trip is one that my mom would have joined us on. And I was feeling really sad because I couldn’t share those really great moments with her. It was very bittersweet, if that makes sense.
What also makes me feel better is to do something kind for someone else. Do something that your dad would be proud of. Like…invite a student to the dining hall with you…someone who you’ve seen by themselves a lot. Reach out to someone who might be feeling lonely or someone who might need a friend like you do and great things can come out of it.
I’m very sorry this is not more of a happy day for you. I’m sure your dad is very proud of you and I know it’s tough not to have him there to help. My mom died 29 years ago while I was in college and it was very difficult to not have her around for the various milestones of my life as a young adult and beyond. I would still love to be able to call her and tell her about moving my D into her college a few weeks ago. While it’s ok to be sad and to be missing him right now, I think the best way to honor him is to try to make the most of your college experience, work hard and enjoy life with all of its messiness. Then if you are a parent one day, you can try to give to your kids what he gave to you. Hang in there.
I’m not going to repeat the advice above but I am going to give you some different advice. Try to open your heart just a bit to the man who though not your father was willing to spend time and effort to move you in. It is sad and unfair that you don’t have your dad but focus on the good of people who are willing to throw themselves into your life and help make it a tiny bit better.
Your feelings are very appropriate. While my dad was alive to see my college accomplishments, he died when I was 29. I wish he could have been alive to meet my daughter, I know he would have loved her because she is so much more like him than I ever was. Same with my mom who died when my D was 16 and never got to find out that she was accepted to Yale. I just have to take small comfort from the thought that they are smiling down from above and are proud. Best of luck on your freshman year.
I was 16 when my dad died of cancer, the middle of my junior year in high school.
I distinctly remember one instance where I missed him utterly and completely - I was at Girls State that summer, and one of the speakers said something really sarcastic and funny and my first thought was “I can’t wait to tell dad about this.” It broke my heart into about a million pieces.
Can you bring some possession of your dad’s with you? I brought my dad’s favorite sweater and wore it sometimes.
I am a firm believer that life doesn’t end at death (not to get too religious for a public forum). I know my parents - both have now died - can see accomplishments even now.
If you’d like to PM me, feel free. I’m a mom now, but there are times it hurts just like it did back then.
My mother’s father died when she was 13. He had a heart attack while trying to rehabilitate himself after a crippling automobile accident. My mother lived another 68 years, but she never stopped missing him, not for one day. I grew up hearing about him all the time. It didn’t stop her from living a full life – that’s the last thing he would have wanted – but there’s no question that her father’s absence was an important part of her psyche as long as she lived.
I know things were especially hard for her in her last years of high school, and when she went to college. She had a lot of conflict with her mother in those years, and in the back of her mind she blamed her mother for being alive with her father dead. By her 20s, she was over that, and she had a loving relationship with her mother for years.
The feelings you have are the same feelings people have no matter how old they are when one of their parents dies. When my parents died, I was in my mid-50s. One of my children got married last week. The morning after the wedding, I woke up in tears, I so wished my parents had been there, or that I could tell them about it.
Thank you so much everyone who responded! I promise I have read every single post and appreciate it all. I just have been extremely busy and overwhelmed because orientation week here is crazy.
I have already cried multiple times and today ended up in CAPS (counseling and psychological services) for a panic attack and was informed by a psychiatrist that my father’s illness and death left me with “repeated chronic trauma” that may be connected to my anxiety so I made another appointment there and then went to a dining hall and raided the desert bar (which I never do) because I just felt so done.
There are some good things happening. I had a job interview and got the job, and I have spoken to some peers, despite my anxiety, though i haven’t connected with anyone (I’ve never had friends so that’s not new for me). But overall it’s been stressful and I’ve skipped a few of the “required” activities because I just couldn’t handle it. So kinda feeling like a failure rn but I’m surviving and only 3 more days of orientation.
So that’s where I’m at right now. Sorry for the ramble. Another activity is about to start. Thanks again everyone!