Feeling very bad. Need to vent. Am already seeing a therapist.

Student Lounge College Life
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I am seeing a therapist weekly already, just thought I should put that out there. I don’t really feel all that comfortable with her because she is a new therapist for me, but I talk. Also, this month is the anniversary month of my dad’s death, so that might be making everything feel worse…

I started working with children from low income families last week, and I thought I would feel like I’m having some kind of positive impact, but I feel just as worthless as before, if not more. The “curriculum” is super intense and I feel like I’m awful at it and they’d be better off with someone else. In team planning meeting today, I was supposed to demo reading the story book and I just froze and got too scared cuz I already feel like I’m doing everything wrong all the time and don’t want critique from other people now. So the team leader did the demo instead of me, and I felt like crying and then I left the meeting and cried on my way back to my room.

I have a paper to write but I am writing this first because I just feel so awful. My boyfriend visited me for the very first time about a week ago and it was really great and ever since he went back home, I’ve been feeling even worse than I did before he came cuz I fell behind on things and now I miss him on top of everything. He is my only person outside of my immediate family.

I feel like I’m always either messing up or avoiding mess-ups, like I never do anything that I feel good about. It’s either I screwed up or I didn’t screw up so I get relieved and then try again not to screw up. I went to class early today and was the only one in the classroom and listen to a song that reminded me of my dad and started crying and then the prof walked in and I stopped crying and he started talking to me about his life and asked if I was sick cuz I was still sniffling and I just dodged the question cuz I don’t want to break down in front of anyone.

My boyfriend is telling me to hold on until December cuz that’s when winter break is and he’ll visit me then and that will be good but it feels like that are so many bad days to wait through for a few good days and then it will get bad again. He is worried because I keep talking about walking in front of cars and going to the hospital because I don’t want to deal with anything anymore and need a break. I feel like I need some kind of excuse to be feeling this way and don’t have one but if I was in a hospital I’d have a real reason not to do work and school and life for a while.

I never had friends in high school so it’s not new to me and November is always hard, but in high school it felt easier to take me time whereas now I have to put on a brave face for my job and school all the time. I’m not failing any classes yet but I feel like my grades are all gonna go downhill now and I get a midterm back Thursday and I wanted an A in that class but don’t think I’ll get one cuz I don’t think I did well on the midterm. I was thinking about getting a PhD after college but I want it all to end now so I started thinking about switching to a major I hate that I could use after the 4 years, but then I would just be miserable in a different way so that’s no good. I love my major but I don’t wanna do this anymore and I can’t find a way out. I feel like I’m stuck here in this life and can’t make it better no matter what I choose or do.

Every little thing I do wrong makes me wanna cry because I feel like I’m not doing anything good for anyone. Someone asked me for directions and I didn’t know the way and wanted to cry. I was making something online for the team planning meeting tonight and accidentally deleted it and wanted to cry. When I froze up during the meeting, that felt worse than everything and I looked at my bloody cuticles (stress picking) and thought about the cutting phase I had in high school and wished I could cut without infections and danger. My mom, my sister, and my boyfriend are the reasons I don’t want to die. I’m not even one of the reasons. sometimes I think about them all dying so that I can die too without ruining their lives.

I tried to volunteer at the campus kitchen again to feel less worthless but they don’t have weekend slots anymore apparently.

I always wish I could just go to sleep and stay in bed till next month but I have to write a paper now instead. There is so much more but I will end here cuz it helped a bit to write this all out and cry a few times.

If anyone is reading this, again, I am seeing a therapist and will see her in 2 days, cuz I know everybody’s first response is “go to counseling.”

I just can’t wait for winter break. I go home December 8th.

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Can you switch to a better therapist? Is there a commutable option near your home? Or can you go to the same college as your BF?

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If I don’t feel comfortable with her, does that mean she is a bad therapist? I can try a different one if that might be better. There are a few that would be covered by my insurance. How do I know if a therapist is good or bad?

Also, my bf doesn’t go to college, and I really love my college and the major and courses here. I feel like my problems will follow me to any college and I’m not even homesick or anything, just miserable in general and always beating up on my myself.

Thank you for your response @gearmom

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@soontobecolleger If you are not comfortable with her, then she is not right for you.

If you can make it to December, perhaps a medical leave of absence to work on your mental health. What is your home state?

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Hi there. I’m a therapist myself, and it’s good that you’re seeing one weekly. I know it’s hard to get comfortable with a new therapist at first, but give her a chance. It takes time. You sound like you’re pretty depressed and a lot of your negative thinking is a result of your depression. If you are truly feeling suicidal, please share it with your therapist. If she is good at what she does she will help you stay safe - whether that means learning coping skills, referring you for a medication evaluation, or going to the hospital - until you start to feel better.

Have you reached out to your family members for help and support? You mentioned your mom and your sister. You shouldn’t have to be alone with these feelings. Let them help you.

I truly hope you are able to find the help you need. You sound like a very sensitive, thoughtful person. Please take good care of yourself. It can definitely get better.

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@gearmom My home state is NJ and I’m in IL for school.

I will go to the therapy session this Thursday and maybe contact one of my other options if it doesn’t go well. I usually am not comfortable with anyone though unless I spend a very very long time with them or have some kind of special connection. I was never really comfortable with the “friends” I had for 4 years of high school or anyone in my extended family.

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@IBviolamom Thank you for your response. I don’t really talk to my sister about emotional things much, and I tell my mom some things but I usually don’t tell her how bad it really is because I don’t want her to freak out. Like I’ll tell her I’m stressed about school and work and crying a lot but I won’t tell her how bloody my cuticles are or that I fantasize about cutting and walking in front of cars. My BF is the only person I really tell everything to.

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@soontobecolleger Some doctors or therapists just feel right. Warm, inspire trust. Maybe you could try a different one. If you didn’t go to school in IL, what is your commutable option in NJ. NJ has a lot of great schools.

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@gearmom If I did go to school in NJ I’d prolly still live on campus cuz I don’t drive and there’s no bussing in my town.

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A bad therapist is someone who you can’t open up to, or one where you aren’t getting new ideas to try in your daily life or some new insights into your problems. For example, if you are having troubles in meetings, the therapist would be going over strategies to successfully contribute to a meeting and/or helping you understand what it is about meetings that triggers you.

I think it takes a few visits to establish a relationship with any therapist, and even after a relationship is working, some sessions will be more productive than others. But, if you’ve been going a while and aren’t getting more comfortable, and you can’t say you’re making any progress at all, it may make sense to interview some other potential options.

It’s okay to cry, too. Be kind to yourself and patient with your recovery.

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@AroundHere I’ve only gone to her maybe 5 times so far.

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@soontobecolleger You need to tell your mother. Top priority. Do that this week or if you can’t do that directly, ask your boyfriend to help and do it for you. I would seriously consider a medical leave of absence.

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@AroundHere I’ve only gone to her maybe 5 times so far.

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Well, of course I don’t know how your mom would react, but I can tell you that if my daughter (a college freshman far away from home) was feeling this way and told me, I would not freak
out. I’d be upset and worried, but I’m supposed to be, and I would do everything I could to help her. I would hate the idea of my child suffering and not telling me.

How long have you been seeing this therapist? Has she discussed the option of antidepressant medication? I don’t think that’s a cure-all but it really does help a lot of people. It alleviates the depression enough that the person is then able to use coping skills and make some changes to their thinking and behavior that will alleviate symptoms further.

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@gearmom but I’m not actually going to do any self harm, and she will probably think the worst and freak out which will not be helpful for me. Why should I tell her? Because she’d want to know?

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@IBviolamom I’ve just been seeing her since the start of my time here, so a few weeks.

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Sorry, I was still typing when you posted that you saw her 5 times.

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@soontobecolleger Have you been diagnosed by your therapist?

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Are you on antidepressants? If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, and it sounds as though you might, therapy alone won’t fix it all. I suggest you visit a doctor. A primary care physician can prescribe something for you. Fantasizing about walking in front of cars is a real sign that you need urgent help. Therapy isn’t a quick fix, and neither or antidepressants, but you will likely notice a mild improvement within just a couple of weeks, and a good improvement after about 6 weeks.

Tell your therapist what you have told us, and please go see a regular doctor right away who can prescribe something.

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I am a lot older than you. My father passed away 4 years ago and I still get teared up when I think of him sometimes. It is a a very traumatic event when one’s parent passes away. It is perfectly normal to have those ups and downs. I felt pretty miserable for few years. It is only in the last year when I think of my father I could smile. It will become easier. I went through divorce soon after my father passed away. They were not good days. I also had days when I had bad thoughts, but my daughters kept me going, just like you have your school you like and boyfriend who cares about you.

During some of my darkest days, a friend of mine sent me this, “On particularly rough day when I am sure I can’t particularly endure I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days is 100% and that’s pretty good.”

I had a very good therapist and I will always thank her for helping me through those days.