Having a major breakthrough in therapy. Need to vent.

Student Lounge College Life
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My father was mentally ill for at least 6 years leading up to his death in my freshman year of high school, and the whole time I was taking care of him, not just physically (holding his hand so he wouldn’t get lost, buckling his seatbelt, zipping up his coat etc) but also emotionally. I kept all of my feelings about his illness from him because I knew how much it would hurt him to see how he was affecting me. One memory that keeps popping into my mind is the first time he forgot his phone number. We were standing on the porch outside the house and he was on the phone, and the person on the phone asked for his number, and he turned to me and asked what it was. I was freaking out on the inside but I just calmly told him the number because I didn’t want him to realize that I was watching him slowly fall apart.

In fifth grade, my first year of middle school, I was approached by some girl and accepted into her friends group, and the group would all hang out at her house and do activities outside of school. But anytime I brought up my dad’s illness to any of them, which was the biggest thing going on in my life, they got quiet and awkward and we changed the subject. And so after a while I learned that you just don’t talk about that kind of stuff with friends, and I started to get angry. At the end of the year I had a fight with that girl and was shunned from her friends group. I ate alone for most of 6th grade. I found some other people to hang out with after that, but I never called them my “friends” because, as I’m learning now, the anger was getting stronger and stronger.

At school, people only ever talked about classes and cliques and who was dating who, and meanwhile my dad was getting worse and I couldn’t talk about it with any of them. I felt like everyone was annoying and superficial and didn’t care about me.

I used to read through the cc threads about freshmen not having friends and get annoyed because of statements like “it’s been a month and still no friends. I had so many friends in high school. What do I do?” I haven’t had a single person I’d call a friend in EIGHT YEARS.

At the end of my first year of college last year I gave up on all the efforts I’ve made over the years to make friends, and I decided nothing I do will work anyway. And it turns out I was right because it wasn’t about what I was doing; it was about how I was feeling, all the anger that I’ve still been carrying around. My brain was rewired to hate people, and I’m just now becoming aware of all the ways I find reasons to be angry with people.

And then two days ago in therapy, I realized something that completely shook me. During that time I spent taking care of my Dad, I became angry with all of my peers for being so shallow, and I even became angry with my older sister for “making him mad” the way she would (not being the oh so perfect daughter that I was) and I gave my mother some of my anger too for the times she would take a mental health break and leave me and my sister alone with our dad for a couple days. But I never dared to be angry at my dad. It’s not his fault, I kept reminding myself, how can I be mad at him? Well, it turns out, I am.

I’m angry at him because he was supposed to be taking care of me, not the other way around. I didn’t get to be a kid because of him. And then he died and left me to clean up this huge mess. This mess of being so stressed that I pull out my hair and pick my cuticles bloody and feel lonely all the time because I haven’t had a friend in EIGHT YEARS. And this mess of hating myself for being mad at him. He didn’t stick around to take care of me through this.

My therapist suggested I write an angry letter to him. I will try this weekend, but it may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even after all this time, I feel guilty about how hurt he would feel reading that kind of letter. But I know I have to face the anger because otherwise I will never forgive myself for it.

This is all I’ve been thinking about over the past week. I’m not failing my classes or anything like that, but they aren’t top priority right now. I keep walking around and crying because these feelings of anger and guilt are finally coming to the surface after all these years. I know it’s better this way, but it’s really, really hard.

So that’s my story as I know it for now. I hope things will start to get better now. Thank you to anyone who actually read all of this.

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Hugs, OP. It’s a tough journey through responsibilities, anger, and the pain. But we understand. Facing things can lead to the light at the end of the tunnel and the ability to breathe. Best wishes.

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@lookingforward thank you. I really hope there is a light at the end.

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I’m so glad you have a professional helping you through this! You are MILES ahead of 99% of the population. It’s crucial for you to deal with this now instead of waiting until you’re 50 and having a major crisis. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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@MaineLonghorn thank you. That means a lot to me. My mom says she is so proud of me because she didn’t get to this kind of stuff in therapy until she was 30. She says she never would’ve had children had it not been for therapy.

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Hugs to you. Your mom has a lot to be proud of.

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@ccprofandmomof2 thank you so much.

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^^Your mom is right! When my mother was 10, she lost her 15-year-old sister to illness. That was back in the days when people didn’t talk about their feelings or get any help at all. She’s 80 now and has struggled her whole life with unresolved issues related to her sister’s death.

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@MaineLonghorn I hope my sister will choose to get help one day. I don’t want her to have unresolved issues like that, but she doesn’t really believe in therapy. I didn’t either to be honest, or I at least didn’t think I could learn so much from it. It had just been a safe place for me to talk about my feelings each week while I was on my own. Now I know it’s a lot more than that.

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Good for you OP! Agree with the above comment that you are way ahead of most.

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@SouthFloridaMom9 thank you!

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@soontobecolleger , as someone who has lived with family members who have carried that glowing ember of anger around with them for entire lifetimes, let me congratulate you on your courage, effort, and maturity. You have the rest of your life in front of you, and it will be better - so much better - for the difficult work you are doing now.

Anger is tricky. And as you know, you can be angry at people you love. You can forgive them without forgetting what happened. And you can ultimately fill the part of you that held the anger with love and peace. Life as a human being isn’t easy!

Hugs and strength to you.

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Good for you OP for getting through this and having these insights. Your story is impressive. Thank you for sharing.

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@gardenstategal thank you for the encouragement. I really hope you are right about it getting better from here.

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@Dustyfeathers thank you for reading. I appreciate the extra ears (or eyes i guess)

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Even just between making this post and now, I started crying again because all this time when I had no friends, I just thought something was wrong with me. I even remember talking to a different therapist a few years back and him asking me why I think I have no friends, and I told him “everyone else seems to make friends so the problem must be me. I don’t know what it is about me. I’m just not the kind of person that gets to have friends. Some people are just meant to be alone I think”. And I believed that for so long that some parts of me must still believe it.

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Hugs to you. You’ve had to deal with a lot of difficulties – real adult-type responsibilities – starting at a very young age. I’m glad you’re now taking care of YOU. Feel free to vent here.

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@katliamom thank you so much.

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Lovely post, OP. You were absolutely right to vent here. Many of us have children, family, or friends who have taken years or decades to get to where you are now.

Be angry, write the letter to your dad. Wouldn’t your dad want you to heal, above anything else? Your dad loved you and knew how hard it must have been for your family. Your dad probabaly hated what was happening and was powerless to do anything about it, but you should understand, he would have if he had been able. Your father would give you permission to be angry, because he knew that you would love each other no matter what. That’s what real love is, be it familial, platonic, or romantic. The Guardian newspaper actually publishes (anonymously) and pays for “A letter to…” in which people write a letter to someone who will never actually recieve it. Google it. Wouldn’t your dad be proud if you were to write soemthing that will help you heal, and maybe get such a letter published?

As for feeling angry at people who have “trivial” problems, remember that to that person, the problem isn’t trivial. They don’t know what you are going through, but of course, it’s understandable that you would feel angry at others’ seemingly small problems. You don’t have to be angry with them because your problem is worse than theirs. Instead, sympathize, because hopefully they won’t have anything worse to deal with at a young age. Feel glad for them that the worst thing they have to deal with right now is a “small” problem.

I’ll share a breakthrough I had a few years ago. I had been having a rough time. One day, I just suddenly thought “I’m here, I exist, so I might as well be happy.” Maybe no one can relate to that, and it seems too simple, but it took a long time to come to that realization. None of us need to spend our lives being angry or sad. When you feel that way, stop the thinking by turning into something positive. It works. Good luck to you.

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You had to grow up so quickly. Fortunately, you still have lots of years left to make friends and start healing now that you have recognized the inner struggles. Your mom must be super proud of you and grateful for the support you gave the family when you were younger, even though it sacrificed your childhood. There are friends out there who will listen and let you vent. Just give yourself time to find them.