I don’t know how common it is for schools to directly ask if they are your first choice. My experience is that Usually when they try to gauge interest, they’d ask in a more “diplomatic” way. It is up to you to demonstrate just how eager you want to attend the school including volunteering to say it’s your first choice. But if they “break the rule” and ask you to commit to them before they even accept you, I say it’s fair game to say yes.
Yes, @DonFefe, you’ve explained the conundrum well. As you’ve stated and as I was pointing out as well, coming from a private middle school or another school that feeds a lot of its grads into boarding schools helps and hurts. It usually helps ensure at least one acceptable outcome but it can lessen one’s options on 3/10. I agree with you that an applicant is at a disadvantage having to declare one school as a “first choice” based on what is often one short visit because of either pressure from the sending school or inquiries from schools to which one is applying. In some ways, it’s a little like applying ED. Bird in the hand vs two in the bush.
As far as my child’s circumstances, we did benefit from not having to deal with a private middle school counselor nor much internal competition from the same middle school. My child did have areas that probably added to attractiveness including strong support from middle school teachers and administration. One difficulty was having the sibling at one boarding school and trying to convince the other schools that they had an equal shot and that it wouldn’t be a wasted acceptance letter. Honestly, no deep secrets or deft touches but more like the wording given above in post #51. Whether its a boss, a client, or anyone you are looking to impress, everyone likes flattery and attention. You can be complimentary and delineate unique reasons why a given school is an attractive option for your child without making them the only partner on your dance card by making promises or guarantees. My child had a good grasp on what attributes were of personal importance and could articulate them and how the schools on the final list fit those attributes. I think it also helped that one of the most popular/selective schools mentioned here was not a favorite or final choice. When talking to AOs, my child was able to tell them why popular school X was not of interest and would not be on the final list and why their school was. We didn’t want to burn any bridges before or after. It is a small world after all especially in the realm of boarding schools. We actually crossed paths many times over 4 years with AOs and coaches from the schools turned down and the conversations were always very pleasant and my child was very favorably remembered as “the one that got away”. My kid is a sincere, poised, and confident person and I honestly think that helped a lot in the results obtained .
In college admissions, especially for smaller colleges, the “game” can be very similar. Schools want to “feel the love”.
“For many families, I suspect, a twenty-minute interview and a campus tour on a rainy day cannot provide nearly enough information to allow for an informed choice. To ask such a family to decide on a first choice prior to the revisit day shake-out period puts them at a distinct disadvantage.”
I’d also argue that the accepted student visit only provides so much additional info in terms of making a decision, unless one school is head and shoulders above another or if your child has specific needs/wants not met at every school. At some point, some gut instinct and a leap of faith factor in. Honestly, at times there was even second guessing after the fact during those 4 years.
In the instance of coming from a private middle school, do you feel the pressure is more from the current school to pick a first choice or from the schools to which your child applied? What would happen if you told the current middle school counselor you had more than one clear favorite?
I agree with @doschicos. Think tap-dance between schools and students is a lot like dating. First choice letters have an impact on some schools, but not all.
We are coming from a small private K-8 school without a placement counselor where kids feed into a couple of local private day schools, a magnet school, or a local BS as day students. Rarely someone goes away to a BS. My DD applied to a couple of reach BS, several BS that would be a match, and several safety BS. She also applied and was accepted, with FA, to the local BS as a day student. So far none of the reach or match BS have asked her where else she is applying or where do they stand on her list of choices. However, ALL safeties without exception have asked that in one form or another, either before, during, or after the interview. They are questioning why a kid from an underrepresented state with an athletic hook and personal stats much higher than those of the safety school’s would choose to go half-way across the country to attend a BS that is ranked lower than her local options. I don’t blame them; I think it does beg the question. So she has been trying to communicate to all of her safeties that she wants the boarding experience and as long as her academic and athletic needs are reasonably met she would be a happy student and would much prefer to board at a school with mean SSAT scores in the 50-60% than attend as a day student a school with mean scores in the 80%. I don’t know if they’re buying it. I guess we will find out in a week.
Belmont Hill School AO came and gave a general overview of the admission process to a group of soccer parents at our soccer club. He was asked about “first choice”. He stated that it has a very big impact due to the issue with yields. Of course, unlike ED, I think you can always say you changed your mind.
In the case of my son, I asked him to rank the schools we visited. We re-ranked after each visit. And then at the end. At application time, we informed the top school that they were the first choice. I am still a little bummed that the home school option came in last. As you can tell, I am still not over it. 
panpacific: yes, I have been conflating the concepts “first choice” and “commitment,” based on the assumption that a commitment is implied in the selection of a first choice. Otherwise, what significance does making such a choice have? I was thinking that it would be egregiously bad form to change one’s mind, but as laenen has pointed out, there is no established formal procedure in effect–so if schools want to ask what strikes me as a slightly weaselly question, they shouldn’t be surprised if the information they receive isn’t 100% reliable. And this further supports my assertion that this first-choice game is one of the less savory aspects of this process.
As doschicos relates, it is a small world, and one may cross paths with the spurned school again. How prudently and tactfully one handles the dreaded question can mean the difference between hiding one’s face and greeting these people with warm smiles and hearty handshakes.
doschicos: I couldn’t agree more about the revisit day not necessarily providing that much more information upon which to base a choice–but it is something. Indeed, I don’t know if one can really know the true nature of a school until one has spent a year there–and so a family that has choices is always making a leap of faith. On the other hand, I think at a certain level these schools can be very similar. I asked an admissions officer how a family can discern differences among closely grouped schools with the goal of finding the best fit. The admissions officer replied that there can be more than one good fit for a child, and that there are some fairly straightforward differences between peer schools, such as the way schools view rules and violations: some schools are more lenient, and allow multiple “strikes,” while others are more strict and will show a child the door on the first strike. Similarly, some schools have mandated, monitored study hall, while others do not.
I’m even wondering if member schools of TSAO tend to feel that if one of them accepts a child, then that’s as much as anyone can reasonably hope for–that having a fistful of acceptances from these schools is more than most mere mortals can rightfully expect. I’m put in mind of the line from The Godfather: “Do you know who I am? I’m Moe Greene.” I suspect some schools may actually feel that way toward many applicants. And that’s especially the case for those of us seeking financial aid: we are, it would seem, beggars, not choosers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DZNDEqcSi0
Actually, I had a conversation with Fefekid2 about the possibility of apprising one particular highly-regarded school that it would be our first choice. FK2’s response was “I don’t believe that that school is worried about competition.” Again, Moe Greene.
I have stated in earlier posts that I don’t see the necessity of proactively informing a first choice school. If a school asks, I guess one must do one’s best. As other posters have opined, many families work from the assumption that if their child didn’t want to attend a particular school, they wouldn’t have applied.
In FK2’s case, there was some concern about the “what other schools?” question in the interview. FK2 sought advice from the secondary school counselor, and in the end FK2 seemed to smoothly deflect the question without too much trouble. It was not asked by every school–and a school’s generally acknowledged stature within the boarding school world had no discernible bearing on whether the question was asked. I think it might even vary from interviewer to interviewer. Come to think of it, in an interview with a faculty member at one of the “top” schools, FK2 did mention the possibility of applying to a treasured hidden gem–which, much to our surprise, elicited a scoffing response, as if the interviewer was saying “how can you apply here and even be thinking about that school?” Needless to say, that response left us slightly aghast.
Of course, the “what other schools” question can even appear on an application. In fact, the very same hidden gem referred to above asked that question on its application, which seems to suggest that the school was well-aware of it’s status as a safety school for some applicants.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, FK2’s secondary school counselor asked the kids who are applying out to designate the schools they were most intent on attending. FK2 mentioned two schools, which was apparently a satisfactory response. How exactly this information is used–assuming it is used at all–is open to question. I haven’t pursued it with the secondary school counselor, though in a previous conversation I received the impression, if I recall correctly, that the trade-off scenario I described above in #59 was a possibility.
FK2’s school extends through ninth grade, and it is no secret that eighth-graders applying out are something of a disfavored cohort. The school says that eighth-graders automatically have a fall-back option, while ninth-graders do not. Hence, ninth graders get the most attention, with eighth graders having to expressly ask to meet with the counselor. In fact, FK2 did ask for a meeting, which never materialized beyond snatches of conversation in the course of casual interactions. We really love FK2’s school, but we are just slightly disappointed that eighth-graders applying out get such short shrift. In fact, an admissions officer at one secondary school suggested that applicants from FK2’s school are well-counseled: I didn’t think it prudent to contradict that presumption. The reality is that eighth-graders are largely on their own in the admissions process at FK2’s fine school.
@DonFefe do you think the counselor will respond to the school more favorably for a ninth grade student over an eight grade student. Meaning if the school was equally interested in a eight grader and a ninth grader and contacted the counselor, would he respond more favorably for the ninth grader since the eight grader has another shot at applying?
I think this part of @DonFefe’s post is worth repeating: “I think at a certain level these schools can be very similar. I asked an admissions officer how a family can discern differences among closely grouped schools with the goal of finding the best fit. The admissions officer replied that there can be more than one good fit for a child, and that there are some fairly straightforward differences between peer schools, such as the way schools view rules and violations: some schools are more lenient, and allow multiple “strikes,” while others are more strict and will show a child the door on the first strike. Similarly, some schools have mandated, monitored study hall, while others do not.”
I’m all for schools that allow room for students to make and learn from mistakes but not endless chances. To me, first strike schools don’t allow leeway for the developing teenage brain.
Queenmother: yes, that very thing has crossed my mind, as well as all manner of other sinister scenarios. But I’m endeavoring to banish such vaguely paranoid speculations from my mind. There is really nothing I can do, so why fret?
Actually, I think that an eighth-grader and a ninth-grader applying out of the same middle school to the same secondary school won’t necessarily get in each other’s way. To the extent I’m concerned at all, it would be from the competition in FK2’s own class. We know of two other kids who are each applying to one of FK2’s top choices: one is probably a full-pay and has a mother who is forever bestowing nice gifts upon teachers; the other is a full-pay legacy. I hardly need to indulge my paranoid fantasies when there’s that sort of competition.
But, overall, we’re not worried. We like to think that FK2 will be accepted at a gem or two, which will be just fine by us. They are both schools that are well-respected on this board. In a world where there is so little that any of us can bank on, one thing for us remains a certainty: FK2 will thrive wherever.
FK2 shares doschicos’ feelings about first-strike schools, by the way, and hence one particular well-regarded school has been dropped ever deeper into third place on the list.
doschicos said something else above that we don’t hear nearly enough: “My kid is a sincere, poised, and confident person and I honestly think that helped a lot in the results obtained.” In addition to some other [note: weasel word to follow] “distinctions” (which may or may not be dispositive), I would say that the same applies to FK2 in spades. We can only hope we get a similar outcome.
Is it easy to tell whether a school is a “first strike” school? Would that be in the handbook or is it less official? In particular I am wondering about Brooks, Tabor and Lawrence Academy.
Thanks!
Consequences and the discipline process are typically spelled out in the student handbook. I also think its an important question to ask at revisits.
FWIW, I read the handbook for each school we were seriously considering. You get a very good feel for a place by doing that. You might be surprised at the differences (study hall vs. none, opposite sexes allowed in rooms vs. established hours for common room only visits, drugs/alcohol policies etc.). I strongly recommend reading those handbooks to determine the fit with your goals/rules/family values. This is the “next level” of research required. As we have discussed (often), most schools fulfill the academic challenge portion of the equation.
@london203 (and others) I completely agree that most of the schools that we talk about on these boards “fulfill the academic challenge portion of the equation”. I also think that a thorough read of the handbook is a must before all revisits, and that questions about rules, disciplinary procedures, etc. should be asked of current students. This is information that typically won’t be offered up by the schools during the regular course of their admissions process. In our experience, we found that students were quite forthcoming when it came to this topic 
In terms of communicating a first choice, I wonder if the smaller schools would care about this more than the larger ones? Maybe because they have less physical space / flexibility, an indication of intent would be helpful. I know that Cate and Thacher both have matriculation rates of well over 80% (and I remember reading somewhere that Groton does too) which seems to imply that they are doing a good job of choosing kids who want them.
There are also yield variables that are more or less impactful at different schools. Legacy status and full pay being the most profound of those factors.
Random order:
- Big believer in going out of your way to do especially deep due diligence on your 2-3 top choice schools. This includes spending some unofficial and unscripted time on campus (see a game, watch a play, go to an art show). Get out of the admission's bubble and you'll likely end up with a much better feel for the school. Yes, this takes more time, thus only the top 2-3 choices.
- Definitely ask your questions of the tour guide, review the handbook, and ask the AO about yield and attrition, these last two "stats" say a lot about the health of the community and the ability of the admissions team to make sound matches.
- In the written application, I believe Thacher allowed you to volunteer the names of other schools to which you applied, but it was not mandatory. It was not asked of either my son or us during the visit.
- If you have one, true, clear first choice that you would accept above all others, then I believe it's worth BOTH the kid AND the parents telling the AO in their separate thank you notes that if offered admission to xyz, the child will accept. There is a small number of people over the years on this site who would message this to more than one school.....really bad form.
Thacher’s yield was 87% last year and they admitted 12%. To echo @GMC2918, it’s always been my opinion that most small, top schools <300 really need to get the matches right. It’s too easy in a small place (Thacher has 240 kids) for a kid who is not well matched to be unhappy, or to make others unhappy.
Off topic a bit … Did most parents write thank you notes? DC did, we did not. I thought about it but felt it wasn’t quite right … In interviews we were treated more like potential clients and that is how I saw it too.
We did not, although were expressed verbal appreciate each time a follow up question was answered. Then again, we viewed the whole application process as us choosing the school, not the school choosing us. A different approach to many others, but we felt that we were not going to beg to be allowed in anywhere… we preferred to decide where we wanted to spend our money and, if it was not a fit on both sides, then we would keep looking. Fortunately, we ended up with several very good choices (including strong LPS and local day school options).
@6teenSearch My daughter sent handwritten thank you notes. I did not.
Vacakid sent email thank you’s to everyone, including his student tour guides if they exchanged emails. I was met with a blank stare when I asked him to handwrite them. I even bought him stationery!
My son sent handwritten thank you notes to AOs and emails to tour guides and a coach. Dh and I did not.