I wish I could take him in. But both his school and his home are far away. I don’t know if his parents would flat out refuse to let him live at home but I imagine he does not want to live with them anymore. Honestly, I think in their ignorance of transgender issues, they thought that this would somehow make him “change his mind” about being trans.
Fortunately, he does have some more supportive relatives. I wonder if perhaps he will move in with them and go to a local community college and work to put himself through school. I have no doubt that he has the smarts and the resilience to do this. But I wish this hadn’t happened to him.
Did he just decide he would come out in college? He didn’t consider this outcome at all? He had no counselling or guidance and just dropped that bomb on his parents? Let’s look at the medical insurance from a less petty aspect and consider the kid had maybe talked about surgical options already, that would be a terrifying threat from an 18 yr old on your insurance. The parents may have no idea what his rights are and their obligations are in this scenario.
He could probably join AmeriCorps, the domestic version of the peace corps, for a year or two to provide some safe structure, skills, and time to grow up, and then reassess his education options when he leaves that.
@Sybylla Yes it was not at all smart to come out at a vulnerable and unprepared time. His number one focus should be finding a place to live so he is not homeless.
@IBviolamom At this point he only has to focus on not being homeless. Education can wait.
@Sybylla : I do not understand your #21 comment: “Let’s look at the medical insurance from a less petty aspect and consider the kid had maybe talked about surgical options already, that would be a terrifying threat from an 18 yr old on your insurance.” How is that a threat of any kind? Even under the best plans, there would be a hefty copay. The parents could refuse to help with that. The kid has no bargaining chips. There is no threat. Now, maybe you know of a plan that would cover everything and then raise the premiums. That sounds like no plan I have ever heard of, and I simply cannot see a “less petty” explanation for the parents’ horrible behavior. And even if this came as a bombshell to them, I still see no excuse for their behavior.
Not excusing the behavior, but it is consistent with the parents stated wish to not support their offspring in any way. Perhaps they are self insured or self employed and thus it could have a big impact on their insurance. On the positive side, this is a healthy young adult able to work and unencumbered by dependents or debt, so hopefully should be able to be self supporting soon.
@Sybylla there are an awful lot of assumptions in your post. I’m not even sure where to begin. I guess I’ll just throw this out: most trans individuals actually don’t get (or want) reassignment surgery.
It’s also entirely possible that “coming out” wasn’t his choice- he was either outed or his parents figured it out. Or it could be that he didn’t know his parents would react like this.
Either way, he’s the victim in this and let’s deal with what is instead of what could have been.
I don’t think it is helpful to characterize him as a victim. He’s simply an adult who has lost the privileged position of being supported by other adults, and must make his way in the world. Very hard, but very common. There must be 300,000 adults between 18-21 in the US military who are supporting themselves today. They manage, and so will he.
That’s rather harsh @roycroftmom, at least in my opinion. And you’re positing a false equation. Yes, there are many kids out there supporting themselves. I would guess that many or most of them were prepared for that by the circumstances of their childhoods, and did not have everything cut out from under them, as appears to be the case here. Or let’s imagine the case of a young college student who loses her parents in a tragic accident and is orphaned. Want to bet her community will rally around her? Think that’s going to happen here? Didn’t think so. You do not have to think of the subject of this thread as a victim to believe that his parents should be ashamed of themselves.
But I agree that while his journey to this point may have been different,he’s not really in a different position than all the kids who were told before they started that their parents would be paying. He’s got the added difficulty that they won’t file the FAFSA or be an emergency support.
Life sucks for some kids. Many of the kids I went to school with got married and start supporting themselves immediately after high school. The was a university and a tech school in our town and most couldn’t even afford to go to those.
So he needs to regroup and figure it out. Talk to others in the same position. If the OOS college isn’t going to work out, he needs to make other plans.
One becomes prepared for adulthood in large part by being forced to do so. He will do so now. I’m certain there are far sadder tales at every community college in the country, of young adults alone who are physically disabled, or who are struggling to support children or the elderly , or all of the above, in addition to themselves and also working full time to put themselves thru school. The rarefied context of college confidential does not represent everyone’s circumstances. One of my interviewees last year was a h.s.senior boy who went to school, played 2 varsity sports, worked at the supermarket 36 hours a week and had very substantial oversight responsibility for 3 young stepsiblings after his mother abandoned them. As he pointed out to me, it was better than being in foster care. Many have it hard. Perspective is valuable. This student will rally.
@twoinanddone : “he’s not really in a different position than all the kids who were told before they started that their parents would be paying”? I can’t agree. He is in a very different position. He did not have the opportunity to plan. He did not have the opportunity to choose a school he could afford with no parental support. He is now faced with changing everything on the fly. I think that’s very different, and I think you are overlooking the emotional impact of such a dramatic and apparently instantaneous change.
He can plan now. The planning he does now, as an 18 or 19 year old, is much more valuable than anyone’s plans at 16 anyway. Students leave schools for financial reasons all the time. Jobs are lost, illness hits, debts pile up. It is probably the number one reason for leaving a school.
I feel badly for this student. My D’s friend is going through the coming out process now and she is supported in our community and it still is extremely difficult. Yes there are kids in worse circumstances. The worst part of this is being rejected by people you love and trust. The rest will be difficult work itself out.
