Only about 29% of young Americans are currently eligible for military service, so even if he wanted to, it may not necessarily be an option. In addition, even if he does enter military service, there is a significant risk that he will be forced out due to political developments.
@roycroftmom, I can understand some of the points you are trying to make, but please consider that this is not just some kid who needs to suddenly put himself through school and who will benefit from the unexpected push into independence. This is an 18-year-old who has just been rejected by the two people he always thought would be there for him. This is a kid who was just hit with a horrible announcement that his parents love him less because of who he is. This is also a kid I care about very much, hence why I posted asking for advice. Please keep that in mind.
Did he choose to reveal this, and it was a complete shock to his parents? Again, he didn’t talk to anyone like an adult or counsellor? What was he expecting? He did it in person? They had no idea? He had no idea they would not be supportive?
@Sybylla The answers to those questions are not relevant to trying to help OP.
I do sympathize with the student. And I would never suggest he enlist in the military; I don’t think that would be a good idea. I’m just pointing out that while this situation is sad, he is still more fortunate than many others, and there are many people in a fairly similar situation who overcome the adversity and thrive. He can, too. And he should expect to.
@Sybylla your questions are completely irrelevant. The situation IS what it IS. Regardless of whatever the circumstances were, where he is at now isn’t going to change by you figuring out what he (apparently, probably, as you seem to think) did wrong.
IB has stated what we need to know in order to get this young adult that s/he clearly cares about very much.
@IBviolamom
So kind of you to reach out on his behalf. Such a heartbreaking situation. Sometimes I think there is a special place in hell for parents like that. I do remember our tour guide at Occidental telling a similar story. She said the financial aid office worked with her to get it sorted out when her parents bailed. So I don’t think its impossible.
While some do overcome, not all do. After all, if parental support did not matter, there would not be such large differences in outcomes (college and otherwise) based on parental factors.
I get that you feel he’s in a tough spot. He is. But all he can do is move forward. He thought he could go to Out of State U, but now he probably won’t be able to, at least for several years. He has to do what anyone would have to do in a crisis like a loss of job or fire that destroys a home. Figure out how to live (job, housing, insurance) then figure out college. It might take some time.
I was brought up middle class, thinking I’d just go off to college and having no idea how money, taxes, insurance worked. I didn’t know anything about FA and was told we didn’t qualify. I lived poor at college. I beg my father for rent money every month, like it was a big surprise that it was due on the first of the month. I worked. I accepted all invitations to the home of friends that involved food. I sort of see this kid in the same position. He thought his parents would pay but now they won’t. He’ll have to make some changes. Maybe move back to his home state. Maybe work for a while and then apply to schools in a year or two. I do know someone (age 21) who works at Starbucks and likes the ASU classes she gets to take for free. She’s been to two traditional colleges, money isn’t an issue. Her mother just died, she’s getting married, and she doesn’t want to do traditional college. She likes the change. She never pictured this 4 years ago (she’s really quite wealthy and could go to any college full pay).
Lots of roads to the degree.
We could debate endlessly whether it is better to have parents who betray you, or parents who just die while you are in college, or never have parents in the picture at all (better to have loved and lost…). At the end of the day, all these kids are in the same spot of having to fend for themselves. He will have plenty of company, though perhaps not the college confidential crowd type. If you only know one student in this predicament, count your blessings (and consider charitable donations to the many who are ).
@twoinanddone and @Sybylla : You do not get it. You probably never will. You do not have a trans child. I expect neither of you knows a single trans person. What the subject of this thread has experienced is not the same as the examples of other hardships you are trotting out. It. Just. Is. Not.
I agree that this is not simply a story of a young adult who is going to have to support himself, fund college, etc. Nobody said one person’s hardship is worse than another. But this kid has a big hardship beyond fending for himself. He has been rejected by his own parents. That in itself is a difficult thing to bear. Add in the unexpected change partway though freshmen year at college (compared to someone who knew ahead of time there would be no support). In any case, I feel badly for this young man. I’m sure with some gumption and some resourceful agencies that help such young people, he will eventually make his way.
I do know trans people, and I do get that he’s dealing with many issues right now. However, the request was for what to do about his college situation right now, and right now he’s another student who has no way to pay for college, but he also has no way to pay for food and housing and insurance and transportation. He needs to deal with that first. Many students find themselves in difficult situation but usually they have some family to fall back on for food and shelter and just have to figure out the tuition. He doesn’t. The necessities have to be the first priority. If his parents are dropping him from insurance right now during most open enrollment periods, he has to deal with that.
What do you think he should do?
Might a GoFundMe campaign help him come up with funds to complete his education?
Perhaps the most helpful thing this young person could do is mend the rift with parents. Perhaps a family member or family friend could help.
I can imagine it might have been shocking and confusing for the parents to pay to send their son away to a fancy OOS and have him return a few months later as a she. Not saying they are handling it well, but she has had time to come to terms with her feelings, and maybe the parents have not had enough time.
Maybe they are worried she’ll rush into a medical procedure if they leave her on the insurance. Maybe they are concerned that something negative happened while away at school.
All that to say, maybe with time, conversation, and some family counseling they could reach an understanding that would help them better support their child. If she is used to parental support, it is going to be very difficult to suddenly have to go it alone, and it is highly doubtful that anyone will step in with $200,000 for OOS tuition. (OOS tuition is a luxury very few are afforded even when they are on good terms with their parents.)
^Opposite. A genetic female who identified as male. Maybe trying to work out something with parents. His top concern is what to do in a few weeks to avoid being homeless. School can come later.
Let me just clarify that this young man came out to his parents as trans a year ago. Their decision to no longer support him was not a response to the “shock” of his coming out. His parents have been in extreme denial. When he started school his mother posted the usual “kid in the dorm room” photos. He was completely presenting as male at the time, dorm room looked like a guy’s room, etc. Mom captioned the photos by saying things about her “baby girl” starting college.
Also, it is a common misconception that trans people have sex reassignment surgery. Many do not.
@jazzymomof7 I hope this rift can be healed. There is a part of me that wonders if, in their ignorance, the parents were pulling some kind of power play in an attempt to get their child to “go back” to being female. But I wonder if he would forgive them even if they started to change their minds.
If he came out a year ago, then frankly I think way more is going on that precipitated this event. Maybe it wasn’t as sudden as he claimed, or the student had another issue, such as drugs, that he is hiding instead. I do hope for a family reconciliation by both sides; it would be in everyone’s best interests.
I would suggest he contact a social worker in his county as they will know what resources are available. There may be something for him. In our area, there is a Youth Services organization that actually provides emergency housing for youth ages 18-24 who have been kicked out of their homes because they are LGBTQ+. (My husband and I were planning to host a foreign exchange student next year, but have instead decided that we are going to sign up with this agency as a home available for emergency placement.) The idea is to give free room & board while the person gets back on their feet after the rug was swept out from under them. Fingers crossed that there is something like this available to him.
@IBviolamom Didn’t know parents posted pictures of their son’s dorm rooms. That must be boring, a blue comforter kicked to the bottom of the bed. How else does the room look male?
Something else must have happened if he started this a year ago.