Help for student abandoned by his family

Parents Forum
61

I would exhaust all the possibilities at his current school before withdrawing there. They will have more of an incentive to help him out than a new school. Have him talk to his academic advisor, the LGBT office, AND Financial Aid. At least at the university where I work, sometimes the left hand doesn’t know what the right is doing. Our academic advisors are usually pretty aware about all the different varieties of obscure scholarships or funding, either within or external to the college. FA and LGBT might know of something else. If he’s able to get an override, he might qualify for Work Study.

Has he declared a major yet? The departmental advisor might know of something. Also try the Dean of Students. We have emergency funding for students in dire economic situations and his school might as well and the Dean of Students is in charge of that.

I’m not saying that it’s a sure bet, but he should definitely look into it.

62

@roycroftmom Are you seriously implying that my daughter’s friend might be lying and might have a drug problem? You know nothing about this person other than what I have shared. How on earth are you coming to these conclusions? I posted this to get some helpful advice to pass on to someone I care about. Is it so hard for you to imagine parents turning their backs on their LGBTQ+ child that you must speculate that he has done something wrong and somehow deserves this? Smh

63

@gearmom LOL yes, there was a blue comforter but the bed was made! I have seen parents post pictures of their sons’ dorm rooms actually. But remember this parent thought she was posting pictures of her daughter’s dorm room, even though there was no photo wall, throw pillows, string lights, or any of the things my daughter calls “typical girl dorm room” decor. I guess the masculine bedding and the absence of these things is what made it look like a guy’s room to me. Also, there was a GUY sitting on the blue comforter. :wink:

Thank you to all who have made helpful suggestions. I’m planning to put all of them in a text to my daughter to pass along to him. :slight_smile:

64

I have trans relatives, OP. The mere fact of being trans doesn’t make one a saint. Like people of all sexual identities, some are truthful, some aren’t, just like in the population at large. The fact that he has been trans, and supported for a year, you left out of your original post. If the parents supported him in in June and October obviously knowing he was trans, but suddenly won’t in November, that is very odd, and yes, I think it is likely that more is going on than either you or your daughter know about. Might be drugs, might be his dad lost his job, but the kid doesnt want to say that, who knows? But if they have known for a year it is unlikely this action was as unexpected and sudden as initially portrayed.

65

His parents did not support him. They were in denial and consistently misgendered him. They made him dress differently in front of extended family. I did not offer these details in my original post because I didn’t, and still don’t, think they are relevant.

66

@IBviolamom Lots of good advice has been given already so I won’t repeat except to emphasize that he must move quickly. If there really is no financial recourse, he doesn’t want to be hit with bills he can’t pay for next semester. I think @PetraMC suggests some excellent strategies to seek help.

As a teacher I have counseled many students who have been repudiated by their parents for affirming alternate sexualities and/or identities. It can be heartbreaking. Thankfully, the incidence of parents who reject their sons or daughters for being gay has declined. Transgender is still relatively unfamiliar terrain for most. I have a friend whose daughter came out as male a few years ago. The mom is fairly religious and initially was bewildered but at the end of the day, she said “my child is still my child and I love him/her/them.” That child eventually reassumed a female identity, but with fluid sexual preferences. Perhaps these parents are hoping their child will do the same, but rejecting him isn’t likely to move him in that direction. How sad for all concerned.

Thank you for supporting this young person as he navigates this difficult situation.

67

@IBviolamom I am so sorry. My DD knows two transgender people, both F to M. One young man was completely supported by his family and is so happy. He’s a successful student and all around great kid. He is one of my DD’s best friends. The other young man was completely rejected by his family and has now dropped out of high school. He was more of an acquaintance, but DD was always kind and supportive to him. Unfortunately, he made some bad life choices after being rejected by his parents. I am very sadden to hear of your D’s friend being rejected. What many people don’t seem to understand is that Transgender people who are rejected by family are 13x’s more likely to commit suicide than those who are accepted by their families. I greatly admire the family of DD’s friend, they are truly wonderful people and I have adopted their mantra of “Happy, Healthy and Safe” in regards to what your parenting aim should be. I echo the recommendation of others to reach out to LGBTQ organizations for help. They will be able to point him to the right resources. Maybe if a relative is willing to let him live with them, he could afford a CC.

68

Living in the middle of Red State Land, I can absolutely believe that the parents are in denial and have cut off support. I am amazed at how members in my community treat other human beings.

I think the friend needs to take two routes simultaneously. As mentioned, health and safety are primary concerns with education a close second. To that end, I would have the friend immediately contact a LGBT-friendly organization on campus or in the college community who might know of resources to stay safe in school and off the streets. Secondly, I would have the friend contact any relatives who might be able to help find local alternatives for housing and education. I would also contact the former high school to see if there are any relevant scholarships/grants from home (our high school has a couple of sources for students in similar situations). A Go Fund Me page can’t hurt - maybe try and get a community fundraiser going.

I do think staying in school will help with the safety aspect and will hopefully allow some health insurance possibilities - not for “reassignment surgery” but for wellness and emergencies.

Good luck - I sincerely hope and pray everything works out.

69

What changed the status quo? The parents provided financial support, knowing he was trans, to apply to out of state schools. They paid the first 25k or whatever the cost was, for the first semester, knowing he was trans. Apparently they provided logistical support to get him moved in at September, again aware of the facts. So what changed from September to November? While I understand that some parents won’t financially support their adult children, particularly if LGBTQ, it seems very odd that parents who once did provide financial support in these circumstances would suddenly stop that support without notice

70

Roycroft, are you purposely misreading posts? OP clearly said parents were in extreme denial. It looks like they’ve broken out of their denial and need to deal with reality. Unfortunately for the student, this means cutting him off.

71

my reading is just fine,thanks. I understand they weren’t emotionally supportive. That is bad, but they were providing financial support. They posted pictures of their child appearing as a male, so at least on some level, they knew, factually, what was going on. They gave him money as a male last month. I guess I’m not buying they suddenly woke up and realized he is trans if they have known for a year, and he has been open about it for a year, and they provided financial support that whole time. But clearly we will disagree, and no point in discussing it further.

72

MODERATOR’S NOTE: Please stick to ideas about how the young man can be helped. Speculating about things we don’t know is not helpful.

73

I see no reason to vilify the parents in this situation. They are who they are and we shouldn’t condemn them for the choice they’ve made regardless of the fact that their choice isn’t one we would make or even contemplate making. We all have our issues where we see things as black or white with no shades in between. I know I do.
Making guesses as to what if anything happened to change their mind from a year ago and ascribing motives is also not helpful.

Regarding OP’s daughter’s friend: It is a tough road ahead. A lot of people have been in situations where their life has had to take a detour from the expected course, due to illness, family issues, financial problems, and sometimes more grievous reasons like death of a parent and they have either successfully navigated this detour or given up.

However, this young adult has to go through this situation while also dealing with the lack of support from their family for a difficult life choice they had to make. I think this young person will face innumerable challenges throughout their life that an average young person will not. A trans person has to go through so many struggles and rejections on a daily basis that depression is common and suicide is often their way of dealing. It shouldn’t be this way but it is.
A trans college student that we know of, who had the full support from their family and had been a campus Pride leader for 3 years, committed suicide earlier this year.

It is such a sad situation especially to know the person and not be able to help in a substantial way. I feel for you, OP. It would be so helpful to have access to unlimited resources that we could use to help every person in trouble.

So many of the earlier posts have good suggestions that I will reiterate. A GoFundMe page could be set up by a friend, a former or current classmate, or one of the more supportive relatives could do it. It could generate enough funds that they wouldn’t have to worry about immediate needs if their parents have completely cut them off financially

It is hardly likely that a GoFundMe would help pay for college. Talking to the financial aid and scholarship office to look at what options are available for them to continue at the current college would be a good idea.

The campus LGBTQ organization may be another resource.

The most realistic option does seem to be to look for a job and suspend the college education till they are able to pay for it themselves. Community college is certainly a route to pursue if they are able to live at home or with a relative while working to pay the costs.

74

Yes, maybe after finding a job and place to live, community college might be possible but without financial aid and parent help a 4yr university would be cost prohibitive.

That’s why I said, what was his high school GPA and test scores? Could he still get a scholarship covering tuition room and board somewhere?

With only one semester of maybe 15 credits and the HS stats he has, which university would give him enough aid?

75

Hearing that the child you gave birth to is not the gender you thought they were is a challenge for any parent. I have no trouble believing that a parent could hear the news, see their child present as another gender, and hope it is just a phase. In fact, I think that is the most common reaction for parents who don’t accept transitioning as legit.

So the parents flipping out a year later after kid is at college is totally believable. While the kid was still at home the parents could still enforce things like, you will wear a dress to grandma’s house. Now at college the kid is able to live full time as their true self. How freeing and wonderful for the kid, how horrible for the parents who thought little Sally was going to get over this. What can they do? Sally is making a horrific choice and the longer they let this go on the greater the danger. So they go nuclear. They remove all support hoping this will make Sally see the error of her ways.

There truly are parents out there that would rather have a dead daughter than a living, breathing, emotionally stable son. And make no mistake. This is a serious possibility. According to one study suicide attempt rates for trans men are 46% and for trans people who experience homelessness 69%.
https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/AFSP-Williams-Suicide-Report-Final.pdf

So thank you @IBviolamom for caring. Thank you for raising this important question. And because I have no idea who will read this I say to any parent who is facing this now or in the future. Love your kid. Even if this goes against everything you have ever been taught and everything you believe, listen to your kid. Their live depends on it. And if you truly believe that it is better for your child to die than to live as a gender opposite to their genitals you are the one who deserves to burn in hell.

And to any kid. I’m so so sorry. You deserve more. We all deserve parents who love us and support us as best they can. But even if your parents reject you, you don’t have to be alone. As Mr. Rogers would say, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” Reach out to LGBTQ resources on your campus and in your community. Accept help from parents of your friends. There are faith communities that are accepting and welcoming. Seek them out.

And to everyone else. Be those helpers.We are talking about precious human beings here. As hard as it may be for a parent to hear that their child is trans it is much harder for a person to simultaneously deal with gender dysphoria, the normal challenges of growing into responsible adulthood, rejection and discrimination from large segments of society, and often worst of all rejection of family and friends.

76

This doesn’t help in the short term, but in the long term. I’m thinking about the parents for a minute, and hoping that they might not be bad people, but people who are making bad decisions as they are struggling to hold onto their “daughter”. I can easily imagine the parents being in denial, then thinking this is just a phase, and then thinking “oh cr@p, what’s she really doing here, we have to force her out of it”. So the parents might actually be thinking that their actions are going to help their “daughter” in the long run. They might be good people who don’t realize the crazy high suicide rates or permanent harm associated with their actions. I wonder whether one of his relatives or someone else could help the parents get into counseling to help them deal with what’s going on, and help build a bridge to their child and ultimately accept their child for who he is.

Of course there are some parents who won’t change and would rather their children die rather than live a life against the parents’ values, but I think (and hope!) that’s a lot less common. I also think the acceptance or non-acceptance by other family members and other people in their community could impact the parents views, so everyone else’s modeling acceptance (without vilifying the parents and backing them into a bad position) could really help.

77

In addition to reaching out to all possible organizations on campus and scholarship opportunities. I liked in no particular order, making sure next semesters financial commitments are dealt with, no additional financial obligations to handicap. Taking the rest of the Freshman Stafford if possible before December 31. Getting any medical/dental work done while on insurance. Advertising to be a house sitter for the holiday break. A GoFundMe (and I am not usually a fan but people do it for dumb things and this is important) to set up an emergency fund so that the kid has a buffer to start an independent life without worry of homelessness. Contacting all possibly friendly relatives to find a potential place to stay. With a place to live settled, looking for a job or two (include Starbucks, Amazon??) to work at for a few years if scholarship opportunities don’t pan out. It might be a good idea when a place to live is sorted to take a break from school and keep life simple. These suicide stories are worrying me. Focus on wellness and school can wait a bit. Maybe after therapy, approach the parents again to try to make peace.

78

If there is no longer a home with the parents I would think the number 1 issue would be to find a home, a job #2 with “college” something to figure out after 1 and 2 are in place. Part of me thinks it might be best to be in the college town, but no real idea what the “home base” issues are, religious or otherwise, and if it would be uncomfortable living there going forward.

79

@IBviolamom: can you tell your daughter that her friend is welcome at your house for the holidays if he doesn’t have a grandmother’s or relative’s home to go to? Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas or “his” holidays (Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Festivus, or whatever he is used to celebrating) he’d need to be with people and getting a small gift under the tree. (Doesn’t have to be big, what matters really is the gesture that means “we love you and treasure you and are glad you’re here, just like all the children in the family”).
Right now, he has his dorm. Problems begin at the end of the semester.
Being rejected and alone during the holidays is absolutely horrible, so a child would need to be surrounded by love, wherever it comes from. If it can’t be family, it can be a family substitute.

He has to hold it together and do well on his exams. This is going to be horribly hard and he’ll have to compartimentalize. This will be necessary to his future. But focusing on that will help. Being absorbed in something else will dull the pain for the time he studies. He can see it as revenge, too - nothing will derail my future. Whatever helps him get through the exams and helps him get through the days.

In the meanwhile, he and all his friends (counting you among them, not just your daughter) as well as relatives who love him ought to plan for what’s next. He’ll need help. He’s probably devastated and overwhelmed.
Ask for a leave of absence for next semester, and withdraw officially from housing and meal plan.
Make an appointment with Dean of Student, go see Dean of Student (be reminded of appointment, because overloaded brain = forgetful brain).
See LGBTQ Office on campus immediately; make appointment with whoever they recommend. See students but also adults in charge.
Make an appointment with Financial aid.
Make an appointment with mental health (because being rejected by parents + finals = high stress). Do that today/ASAP because finals’ stress will soon take all the available slots.
Ascertain possibilities for housing next semester.
See whether there’s housing and warm welcome for the Holidays.

Once that’s done, regroup and think of work and education.

IBViola, are you in the OOS state or in the “instate” state?
Do you know why your young friend went there (ie., could he continue his studies elsewhere)?
Is he on a scholarship or full pay? (ie., would staying put with the scholarship be better or not?)
Can you offer to help figure out the college/college finances part since you know quite a bit about it and can reach out to people here on CC?

80

There are a lot of students across the country who, at some point in their college years, end up in a situation in which:

  • the parents cannot or will not pay for any college fees (tuition, books, room, board, living expenses)
  • the student has to find year-round living arrangements which do not require the student to go back home to the parents

I can think of various situations in which the above applies. Coming out as transgender is just one example. So here’s what I think:

Priorities are:

  • food
  • shelter
  • job to pay for living expenses
  • a way to get to the job

At the bottom of that priority list is “everything else.” Attending college right now falls into the “everything else” category.

Let’s say that this OOS student is attending college in an expensive part of the US (California or New York, for example). Should this OOS student stay in Expensive City and try to find food, shelter, job + a way to get to the job? Or should the OOS student move to a less expensive area and find food, shelter, job, etc.?

If the OOS student’s home state falls in the category of “less expensive area than Expensive City/State,” then absolutely that OOS student should “move back home.” Of course, don’t move back in with Mom & Dad.

Barring somebody coming out of the woodwork to suddenly pay for OOS student’s expensive OOS tuition and school fees for the next semester, this student WILL have to withdraw or drop out of the university.

The student should not give up on college altogether. The current situation is just a temporary detour on his college path. Once food, shelter, a job, and way to GET to the job have been secured, then the student should look into enrolling in the local community college. Complete all the lower division requirements at the local community college. And then transfer to the in-state college/university.

If he can, the student should also try to get good grades in community college so that when he transfers to the in-state university, he can qualify for transfer student merit scholarships.

The OOS student COULD try to apply for financial aid at his current university. But he will not likely qualify for anything since his parents claimed him as a dependent on last year’s tax returns. FAFSA is entirely based on stuff like that, which means that students who are in situations like this one end up screwed for a couple of years.

Once the student makes a decision on which state he will be living in, he should look up information online about qualifying for Medicaid. Every state in the US has a Medicaid program. There are income limits and you usually have to show proof (i.e., with bank account statements and stuff like that) showing that you qualify. If the student at some point ends up making too much $$ to qualify for Medicaid, even a community college will often have a student health insurance plan that he can sign up for.