They wouldn’t pay for college (millions of parents don’t), they didn’t say the student couldn’t live with them/get food, etc. So yes, they are still providing financial support, and I don’t see where that is withdrawn in the comments. If the parents don’t want to pay for hormone therapy at this time, that is their prerogative. Some parents pay for all sorts of medical procedures and counseling, some pay for very few. Some have moral objections to some procedures, some thinks the risks outweigh the benefits, some think a proposed treatment is too new or experimental or whatever. The student could get a job with health insurance and pay for it themselves, right? No one is denying this adult medical treatments if the choice is made to pursue that, and the student has options to pursue that on his own if he so wishes. In most of the world (and much of the US), that is how an adult would pursue that.
So I wonder who clued in the student’s parents that @IBviolamom posted this on CC?
There’s no point in getting into a big emotional debate with the student’s parents here about whether or not the parents’ reasons for financially cutting off their child was a good idea. Think about it…if you were in this dad’s shoes, would you really be taking the advice of total strangers online? Probably not.
To the student’s dad who replied a bit earlier in this thread - You are under no obligation to explain yourself.
So putting all opinions and judgement aside on THAT emotionally & politically-charged topic, I reiterate the suggestions I posted earlier in this thread because it applies to ANY student who finds himself or herself having to pay for college on his/her own.
It doesn’t matter WHAT the reasons for the financial cut off are. If the student really wants to go to college, he or she will find a way to make it happen. It won’t happen in the traditional 4 years. But getting a college degree is still doable. There have been a lot of really great suggestions made in this thread in answering the OP’s original question, which was essentially “What can this student do?”
Would you want to live with people who are so dismissive of you and your needs? Would you feel safe or respected among people who insist on calling you a man when you’re not, or vice versa?
I accept my daughter as who she is (a pervasive LD and some mental health issues) but that doesn’t mean I have to throw money at her to do whatever she wishes. When she stopped taking her medications and getting her counseling I was done paying.
College (living away especially) is probably not the right productive place for a person suffering this much regardless of how you look at it. BTDT with her – it is a waste of good money with little likelihood of long term success. Every parent has the right to make THAT decision with THEIR money. I see this situation as extremely similar. Asking for the child to wait on hormone treatments is completely reasonable and the parents are not obligated to continue non-necessary financial support.
Your persistent use of female pronouns says otherwise.
I’m off to ask for the link to that GoFundMe.
@abcman123 You are far, far from alone on this thread for people who have extensively researched transgender issues. Have you included research from a wide variety of reputable sources? One thing that I was very surprised by when I began my research was how often teenagers and even adults come out as transgender and surprise their family and entire community because there were not exterior signs. They presented as classically female (happily wore dresses as a kid, played with dolls, wore makeup) or male (loved trucks, cars, dinosaurs, rough and tumble kid, never wore female dressup), maybe even dated the opposite sex.
In the media we mostly see the story of the little boy who insists on wearing dresses or the girl that refuses to. That is one of the stories of transgender people but it is far from the only one. Maybe even more common is the person who from a young age feels like something is different about them, but they can’t quite identify it. So they do their best, often quite successfully, to fit in. They may even bend over backwards to fit stereotypes of gender. All the while there is a nagging sense of something being wrong. When puberty hits and adult sexual characteristics develop this sense of wrongness intensifies. They may fight it by doubling down on presenting as the gender of their birth without even realizing that is what they are doing. Then some clicks. They read something, see something and realize the source of wrongness they feel is tied to gender.
So, the fact that your child presented strongly as female and then after looking at a website suddenly realized he was trans is a very, very typical trans story.
@tucsonmom He probably simply read the GoFundMe.Mentioned in comments.
read more carefully, bodangles. the child of toomanyteens has not had any issues regarding trans, and is female, so of course the parent uses the female pronoun. So does the child. I expect the father of the subject of the original post learned of it from the student, who presumably now has financial resources provided by other posters, and is choosing to not live with his family, which is his right. Many adults choose to leave home rather than live with their parents, for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t like their parents, maybe they don’t like their rules, maybe they don’t feel accepted,maybe their parents won’t buy them things they want. If an adult can be self-sufficient by dint of trust funds, or working, or crowd sourcing from college confidential, that is fine.
Counseling is definitely in order. I contributed to Danny’s fund, because I am not in agreement with parents’ pulling college funding over whatever a young-adult child feels they need to do vis-a-vis gender identity. On the other hand, I’m a bit nonplussed to discover that the “Danny’s College Fund” GoFundMe I contributed to has now, because the groundswell of support exceeded the original goal, been renamed “Transition Medical Expenses.” To me, this feels like a bait-and-switch to the existing donors. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t necessarily donate to a transition fund - I have before - but it would be a whole different decision process than donating to keep a kid in college. In light of the parent’s comments here, I feel like our support is being used to essentially flip off his parents about the transition issue, which isn’t really cool when it isn’t the premise under which we contributed. He’s young and angry, and I don’t blame him, but… COUNSELING.
@bodangles Are you talking to me? Because my daughter is NOT transgender – not understanding your comment.
I greatly support the bravery of this father to come forward and talk about his daughter. These are hard decisions and personal decisions…it’s much easier when you’re not in the middle of it yourself…FWIW, we have friends/neighbors who asked their son (in this case)…well, told him really, that they wouldn’t pay for any gender transition while he was so young…and that they would talk about it again when he was older (which they defined as 21). I see nothing wrong with a family making this personal decision.
I apologize, I read (the first half of) the comment without checking the username and then decided to respond. The language in that bit sounded very much like the post from the dad.
From reading the parents perspective, it makes me want to donate even more, because although I know they’re in shock and haven’t fully processed the situation (which is understandable), they’ve fallen into some misconceptions. That is a quite common presentation for trans individuals from the description (although, I will concede, I do not know the student personally). It can come out of the blue, because the individual keeps the feelings bottled up and trys to present more as their birth sex to compensate and fit in. But eventually, the depression and dysphoria get too great and they realize they have to make a change. That doesn’t mean they aren’t trans or didn’t grow up experiencing gender dysphoria.
I am currently working on a research proposal on the topic of, in part, when medical intervention for trans individuals should take place. As part of the process, I’ve looked at a wealth of well done, peer review, studies on the topic. Letting the student take hormones does not increase the suicide rate, it decreases it. In fact, one particular study (which I can PM to those who are interested), found that for trans youth (with gender dysphoria) who are allowed to transition medically AND have a support system (such as their parents and a psychologist/psychiatrist), the depression rate is on par with their peers and the national average for their age groups, as opposed to the alarming statistics you hear about trans individuals having a depression and suicide rate above 50%.
I really hope the parents can come around and support their son. I do think counseling is needed for the family where hopefully both sides can here each other and address the others concerns. Also, glad the gofundme has been successful and he can stay in school, at least for next semester.
@aquapt Please read his update. He explains that the donations have already greatly exceeded what he expected and are enough to cover the rest of his freshman year, and that he’s keeping the campaign open in case anybody wants to continue donating so that he can pay his living and medical expenses. He’s been transparent about it. His intention is not to take the money that was initially donated and use it for something different. And please don’t assume that he is angry and trying to “flip off” his parents. That is really not fair.
We all face potential disappointments from our kids. The question, sometimes, is how far we go to prove we’re right and they’re wrong. And the eternal question, are we right?
I learned from a long thread with DonnaL how important it is to deal with what the son or daughter presents, not focus on our own disappointments. Not dismiss with partial info or some insistence that what we “think” we always saw or “knew” about our child is the one and only correct view.
Counseling.
And, whether you agree or not with physically transitioning, for many, how important it can be to do this while they are still developing, not wait.
I could tell about my daughter who is gay and my questions. And her marriage, which I wanted her to delay- not because she wanted to marry a woman, but because I thought she was rushing into this commitment, considering where she was in life, with more financial, job, and living insecurities than readiness. But she is happy, has productively settled as an emerging young adult. Does very much good in her work. And is married to a fine woman. She is still my kid and I love her to the moon and back.
Again, counseling. For the parents to learn from a trained and neutral pro (not someone with this cult view.) And for the family.
If you’re sure you’re right, why not? Go for this guidance. Someone trained in issues with this age group.
Question: what about next year’s school expenses? How will OP’s young friend afford that?
I’m disturbed by the number of you on this thread who assume it is no big deal for a trans person to wait YEARS before beginning hormone therapy. Gender Dysphoria can be very intense and totally interfere with a person’s ability to function normally in society.
If a college student was suffering from severe depression and a doctor prescribed medication but their parents thought medication was unnecessary and therefore dropped the student from insurance to make it more difficult for the student to get the needed medication would you be saying suck it up buttercup, you only have to be sad until you turn 25?
I’d encourage the parent here to think about the end game. What is your desired goal and is there any viable path to that goal?
I get the sense that your desired end goal is for your child to snap out of this and return to presenting and living as female. That is not a stupid wish. It is born out of your deep deep love for your child and a desire for her to have a healthy comfortable life. I have been where you are. I do not underestimate your very real pain, I share it.
But how likely is it? I think you need to come to terms with the fact that it is extremely unlikely. Your child openly presented as a male despite having a female body in high school. That is not an easy choice to make even if you live in a liberal area. To hold fast to that identity even in the face of parental disapproval is even harder.
What is likely? What is likely is that you will damage your relationship with your child beyond repair. Trying to control an adult child (even a young adult child) through money is always a risky proposition. When that control strikes at the essence of a person’s identity irreparable damage is almost certain.
Rejection of family is the biggest risk factor for trans suicide. Transitioning in whatever way feels most appropriate to the individual is the greatest protection you can give along with your support.
So you have every right as parent to withdraw all support for your young adult child because you disapprove of their life path. Your child has every right to stop considering you their parent. Choose wisely.
@IBviolamom , I did read the update, and I have no quarrel with his keeping the campaign open, accepting additional donations, and being transparent about how he intends to use them. “Re-branding” the entire campaign was a whole separate decision, and not an insignificant one. Perhaps it has nothing to do with making a point to his parents, but… it would have been pretty easy to simply change it to “Danny’s College and Medical Fund” or to simply leave it alone and let the updates speak for themselves. It’s a sensitive issue to change how an appeal is represented after people have contributed; and while my initial perception could be incorrect, titles are all about perception, so I think it’s important for Danny to understand how the change could be perceived. I hope it’s clear that I wish him the very best; I simply feel that re-titling the campaign was not the best judgment call.
@mom23travelers you are making an apples to oranges comparison - changing your body forever is a BIG permanant change – taking meds is not
@aquapt I understand what you’re saying. I just think the use of the term bait and switch was a little bit misleading, It sounded as though he asked for help with tuition but now he’s going to be using it for something other than tuition, when that is absolutely not the case.