As challenging as it might be for this student to deal with hormone therapy while in college, it would be harder yet to go through gender change after college, when looking for a job.
People are ready for change when they are ready.
Changing your body is a big deal. Taking meds is a big deal. Cosmetic surgery is a big deal. I have neighbors who are starting hormone replacement therapy on a short but not abnormally small child. They are thrilled about their decision. I wonder how their kid is going to feel about it once he’s 40 and realizes he’s at a significantly higher risk for a bunch of life-threatening issues, vs. just being small for his age. Increased cancer risk/getting chosen for the basketball team… hmmm…
But that is irrelevant to the parental/child dynamic here. Nobody is doing anything to this college student without permission- again-- counseling to get a neutral, trained party in the room would be hugely helpful.
Currently the young man is talking about starting hormone therapy. No doctor in the US will do surgery until a person has been on hormones for at least one full year. Some of the effects of hormone therapy are permanent in that you would likely stay at the level you are at at the time of ceasing to take it. These include (for female to male) voice deepening, hair growth (face) and potentially some hair loss (head), Most people would consider these acceptable risks.
I agree that hormone therapy is not at all something to be taken lightly. You should very carefully weigh the risks versus the benefits and come to an informed decision with the help of medical and mental health professionals.
So often on CC we see the argument that teens aren’t old enough to make important decisions, can’t be expected to go to jail if they steal sunglasses in a foreign country, are impulsive. We also see encouragement that students should lie to their parents if they want to major in something the parents don’t agree with, want to go to a college the parents don’t approve of, want to live with a BF or get married. It’s your life, you are an adult, so go for it and trick the parents into continuing to pay for college even though the parents, after thinking it all through or not, have outright said they don’t support the choice. Hey, they are adults, they should get to do what they want, and the parents should just pay and have no opinion. NCP are vilified because they want a say in the college decisions before handing over a check, the student should absolutely get to have a tattoo or take a semester off to travel with a band, or smoke pot an still expect the parents to pay because, after all, the student is only 18 and can’t just get a job to pay for colleg. On one hand the 18 year old is immature and can’t reason through some important things in life, is still a child, is still a dependent and on the other hand the 18 year old adult has the right to make all his own decisions without input from the parent, especially if that input is a conservative position on sexual identity, religion, or politics.
These parents have an opinion you all don’t agree with. It doesn’t sound like the parents made this decision in anger or shock at the Thanksgiving table. All suggestions are for the parents to go to counseling to accept this decision as a ‘done deal.’ We don’t know what level of counseling they’ve had at this point. We don’t know if they asked their child to come home from college so they could go through counseling together.
The student wants money for something the parents don’t support. The student found a way to get that money. I didn’t see anything that said the parents don’t love the student anymore, just that they aren’t going to fund the transition. Nothing suggests the child can’t go home, just that the parents aren’t going to support the adult decisions being made as the parents don’t agree with the decision.
There are decisions my kids can make which I will not support, financially or emotionally, especially if they won’t discuss them with me.
Really? Care to put up a donation to gofundme to back up your misinformation?
It is unusual for surgery to precede hormones, but it does happen. With first-rate doctors too.
I stand corrected @IxnayBob. I was going on the basis of all the insurance companies I have looked at which all require a year of hormones prior to surgery. But of course, many people do their surgeries without going through insurance.
Two- I don’t think most posters are saying what you are concluding at all.
Counseling for the parents without the kids is sub-optimal in my opinion ( I suggested family counseling- i.e. kid plus parents). No parent should be expected to pay for something they disagree with (unless it’s vaccines-- I’m a nag about vaccines. You don’t want to pay for MMR? Tough. My kid with the compromised immune system has to sit next to YOUR kid in 1st grade, so you better vaccinate your kid).
I have enormous compassion for the parents here. And they don’t have to pay for anything they don’t want to pay for.
But ten years from now everyone’s position is likely to have hardened. I’m sure the parents would be sad about not having a relationship at all with their 29 year old kid. I’m sure the young adult would be sad about not having any relationship with the parents. And getting some help sorting things out now- before positions have crystallized- is often the best way to avoid the “My kids think their grandparents are dead because they’ve never met them. At what age do I tell them they HAVE grandparents- but we are estranged?”
If you know families like that in real life (and I do) it is beyond sad. Heading an estrangement off at the pass is easier than repairing the broken bridge.
I have no position on HRT or surgery or trans or confused or depressed. I’m not a physician and have never met this kid. I’m just encouraging the parents-- not to pay- but to keep the doors open. I’m not implying in ANY way that this is a done deal. That’s above my paygrade. But I have friends who have never met their grandchildren, who regret with their entire heart and mind things they said 15 years ago. And I have friends whose kids have never met their grandparents who wish they could turn back the clock and have the difficult conversations all over again, but this time with a therapist in the room.
What does this have to do with stealing sunglasses?
@mom23travelers, you’re on a streak :). DS had surgery, paid for by insurance (Cigna, fwiw), and then changed his mind about testosterone some months later and began hormone treatment.
We did have to provide certification that a therapist approved, but I would expect that’s usually the case.
@IxnayBob Sorry. I give up. Sigh. I do try not to put any false information out there. I once again stand corrected.
“to go to counseling to accept this decision as a 'done deal”
Nope. To learn more about what’s what and for each of the 3 to explore their own thoughts. Note that several of us said neutral.
Until we’ve walked a mile in the parents’ shoes, I don’t think any of us have any right to judge their decisions for how they spend their money.
Same thing for their adult child. Don’t just unless you’ve walked a mile in his or her shoes. If their adult child was to have gender reassignment surgery, then the adult can figure out a way to pay for it. It sounds like that individual HAS found a way to pay for some of it…but he/she started out by calling the Gofundme campaign as being for college expenses…and now it’s labelled as “Transition Medical Expenses.” I was seriously considering donating a small amount to the student’s college expenses Gofundme account. But now that it’s been relabelled/rebranded as being for Transition Medical Expenses? No, I’m not going to contribute to that. It kind of feels like false advertising.
If the adult transitioning from female-to-male really wants to make this happen, then he needs to:
- not expect other people to pay for it for him
- get a job
- earn enough money that he can get a medical insurance plan that will pay for gender reassignment surgery. Otherwise…
- save his money because if insurance won’t pay for it, you’ll need tens of thousands of dollars to pay for it. To put things into perspective, years ago when 1 of my kids was born via C-section, if we hadn’t had any insurance, all of the hospital fees would have cost us $15,000 out of pocket (incl 3 nights’ stay in the hospital post-surgery).
- find a good psychologist - preferably one who specializes in helping clients navigate through the transgender transitioning process.
- find a good support group in his local community for people going through the transitioning process
For what it’s worth, I disagree with people who set up Gofundme accounts to raise money for adoption expenses. I’m all for people wanting to adopt children. But don’t ask me to pay for that for you.
I have no problem whatsoever with people deciding to have such a surgery. But I don’t think that the adult student’s parents should be expected to pay for it.
And…technically speaking…no parent HAS to pay for ANY college expenses for their kid(s). Having your parents pay for all of your college expenses is a luxury.
@mom23travelers I thought kiddo should wait for hormone therapy mostly because of the potential physical and psychological challenges associated with the process. That there would be a better calmer time to undertake such a big medical process. I’m projecting but I cannot tell you how bad it feels to have your hormone levels different than normal. There are considerable side effects from taking them. Hopefully kiddo’s youth pulls him through. Some luck out. At least I would wait for summer break.
@IBviolamom , I apologize if my language was too strong (in spite of my attempts to moderate with “feels like”)… and I see the title has been revised to include educational expenses, which I think is a huge improvement. If the mods would like to remove my comments on this now-resolved issue, that would be fine with me.
Today seems to be my day as factchecker :). In NJ at least, parents who are divorced can have the decision whether and how much to fund a college education taken over by the court.
will never understand why parents would put their child through something like this. It’s sad to think that there are people out there that think this is a choice for attention. Why would anyone want to risk being disowned by their family just to be a different gender. THINK ABOUT THAT ONE PARENTS.
I caught up on this thread late this morning and by then so many things had developed. I just wanted to say kudos to the father of this teenager for having come forward with his side of things. It is really difficult have to justify/defend yourself to a group of strangers who are discussing you, your child, and your family decisions when it wasn’t your choice to have it so.
It is really great news that enough money has been collected through the GoFundMe to pay tuition for the next semester and a little extra. I think it buys the young man enough time to make plans for the remaining semesters if he has to fund his education himself. A young adult making such a difficult life choice has enough things on their plate to have to additionally deal with the withdrawal of emotional and financial support from their family. He has found a lot of support and help through the intervention of the OP. Such a wonderful update to this thread!
As to the discussion on gender reassignment surgery, it is surely a personal decision for the young man if he is paying for it(through whatever means), a family decision for the parents to make with their child if they(either through their insurance or other funds) are paying for it. It is a decision that does need to be considered carefully with thorough research and professional counseling.
Family counseling, as many have suggested, may help make this stressful period less so for the family and I hope help them salvage their relationship.
That go fund me account makes family counseling so much less likely to occur. It sounds from the post like the parents are willing, but no sign the student is, particularly now that he has his own resources and no longer needs financial support from his parents. Since OP chose to intervene in this family dynamic, perhaps she can update us in 6 months as to whether anyone is still speaking at that point.
I’m pretty sure asking people on CC for advice and resources to help out a dear friend of my daughter’s does not qualify as “intervening in the family dynamic”.
Drawing a line in the sand is not showing willingness. My way or you’re out. They’ll pay for school if she drops the idea.
The parents can start with their own counseling, to learn from it. But often, people just want to be right, would rather set an ultimatum, even if it means losing a child.
Leaving a kid with no insurance gets me.
who drew the line in the sand? the parents who were surprised by the therapy demand or the student who came up with the demand last week and took action this week to separate himself from his family and their support? If there is anyone selfish here, I think it is the student, who is acting like a toddler demanding parents pay for his therapy right now or he is going to start it on his own. How about a response of “I can imagine you are really surprised by this,and I know you love me, so why don’t we work together for 6 months to see if we can come up with some common ground-maybe we can involve Dr. X, Therapist Y, and/or religious counselor Z, and I know of some great places we can start a discussion on this so we can all feel comfortable moving forward?” It may not have worked, but it would have been worth a try.