Parents not supporting me in college, both financially or emotionally, not sure what to do

Paying for College
1

I’d like to first say this is my first time posting here, so if I post or do anything wrong, i apologize for the confusion as I am new.

Some background to my issue and story. I’m 17 and graduating in June. I come from a very “old fashioned” family. My father has a GED (dropped out of high school) and works for New York State DOT, so he does blue collar work and stuff like that. My mother is a nurses assistant, she works part time, she has a high school diploma. My older brother is 20 and currently in the Marines, has his GED (dropped out in 12th grade). My parents have often said they don’t believe in a college education and that it’s just a “glorified high school diploma”.

I have a couple of months until I graduate and would really like to go to college. I’ve worked jobs like construction and worked on a farm as a farmhand, mostly to pay my bills (my parents don’t pay for any of my bills other then like medical stuff I guess, I pay for my phone, my clothes, my car insurance, so i don’t have a lot saved up). the truth is that I hate those jobs and don’t want my future to be spent doing that kind of work for the rest of my life. I understand you aren’t supposed to “love” your job, but I just don’t want to be crippled and beat up like my dad when I’m 50 years old.

This is where the problems begin to arise.

My parents sat me down back in January, and asked me what my plans are after for graduation, like they did with my brother. I informed them that I applied to both SUNY Albany and SUNY Potsdam. I would like to study Computer Science and pursue a career as a software engineer, as the pay seems really good and it seems like a great field to get into. I was optimistic about my chances of getting in, I have 3.6 GPA and scored 1330 on the SAT, plus my work experience and being in honors society and playing varsity football and running track. (I eventually got into both schools!! I’m going to attend SUNY Albany hopefully).

Well my father was having absolutely none of that. “Where are you gonna get money to pay for school?” I explained that if I filled out FAFSA with his help, I could maybe qualify for loans or something. My father then told me that he would not sign anything or give any of his information to me to help fill out the form. He told me that college was useless and that he doesn’t even have a high school diploma and he still has a good job, so a college degree is not something I should be considering. He then gave me two options.

He said I could either find a job, and start paying rent after graduation on top of my bills I’m paying already, or he’d gladly take me to a recruiter and I could join the military like my brother. Neither of those are something I want to do, and I want to go to college so bad and further my education. I can’t fill out anything financially, like the FAFSA, because I need my parents tax information and they will not give it to me. I do know I won’t be eligible for Excelsior because my parents make over the limit (125k and under).

I have no clue what to do, as it stands I have little to nothing saved up, as the money I make goes towards all of my bills. Does anyone have any tips on how I should go about this? I don’t know how loans or stuff like that works at all. I also looked into local 2 year SUNY schools/ community colleges as a backup in case I can’t attend either 4 year college. I’m hoping to meet with my guidance counselor via zoom or something to get advice, but I figured I would check here as well.

2

Yikes! I am sorry to hear you are in such an awful situation. Congrats on your two college acceptances. I am concerned that you might be filing the FAFSA a little late to get much in the way of aid. I would 1) Ask your mother for help with the forms, and 2) Get on the phone with the college financial aid office and talk to someone about your situation and your options.

The only loan you can qualify for on your own is $5,500 your first year. It appears you will need help from your parents or a scholarship from the college to make it work. you might qualify for a Pell Grant too, but you would need to know your parents income (and have their cooperation, if no their support). Unless you are willing to join the military for their college tuition benefits?

3

Unfortunately, your parents have vetoed you going to college. You need to find a job (or military service) until you are 24 (or veteran) and can get college financial aid as an independent student.

The only other possible way is if you can find a full ride merit scholarship (like https://www.pvamu.edu/faid/types-of-aid/scholarships/university-scholarships/ if they still have money left), but then you still need to get to whatever college is offering it (the linked one is in Texas), and find a way to live during breaks since your parents will presumably disown you if you do that.

4

Have you considered Deep Springs College and others like it?

5

I have an appointment with my guidance counselor tomorrow, she also invited my parents in as to sit down with us. My parents are kind of close minded to things outside of what they believe, but an outside source could maybe help here.

6

Thanks for the reply!! Military isn’t an option for me right now, I do not want to lock myself into 8 years and not be able to get out if I don’t like it. My mother, unfortunately, is in total agreement with my father and agrees with him. I think even with the loan of 5500, I still would probably need assistance anyway, So I’m going to look into summer jobs that I could save up money.

I also filled out the fafsa, but I could not submit it because my parents would not fill in the parent portion. I’m going to contact UAlbanys financial aid office tonight and see what help I can get.

7

Those are both good options you each suggested. At this point, I will apply to every opportunity I can. I think my parents income will probably work against me, however, as there are a lot more applicants out there that come from lower income houses.

8

Your parents income shouldn’t be a problem at all at Deep Springs College. Especially if you can explain your situation in your essays.

9

I will definitely apply, thanks for the suggestion!

10

wouldn’t a suny and cuny instate be pretty affordable for you?

11

In state Tuition at UAlbany is about 10,000 a year before room and board, after which you factor in room and board its about another 10,000, which is not affordable enough to where I have that much to pay out of pocket.

In state tuition at the local SUNY community college is about 5000 a year.

So is it “affordable”? I guess when compared to like Harvard or Bard College then I guess, but I don’t think its affordable to the point where I could pay it out of pocket without help from parents or loans, which require a parent to cosign.

I’m applying to the local community college just in case. I could work enough during the summer to at least pay per semester if I budget it right!

12

Do you have any family members you could live with? @MYOS1634 will have good suggestions for you. If your parents won’t file financial aid paperwork even with a 3.6 GPA/1330 SAT your best bet might be to get your 2 year degree at a community college. Then see if you can get a CS job and pay your way to bachelor’s degree.

13

Where do you live now? What are your local SUNY/CUNY’s that you can commute to-maybe you could go part time for the first year? I also wonder if once you graduate high school, could you get a better job that what is currently covering your expenses and save some money then? You sound look a good kid-and a smart kid! Do you know any adults who could help you find a job? I’m not sure what the numbers are for your SUNY school it might not be do-able next year, but I wonder if you could save enough to cover tuition in two years and then start? Also-some companies offer tuition assistance or reimburse - I don’t see people mention that much, I assume it’s not easy to get but…my friend put himself through our state university with tuition assistance from what used to be Toys R Us, and his daughter is currently getting reimbursed yearly from her part time job at Chipotle. So that might also be something to look into. I’m sorry you are in this situation, but life isn’t always a straight line-just because you don’t go straight to college or a specific program doesn’t mean you won’t get there!

14

I do have family who lives locally (my dads two brothers and sister), but its highly unlikely they would go for it. They are also set in their ways and have the same opinion on this as my parents do. My best friend said in the event that my dad likely kicks me out after I graduate, I could stay with him until he leaves for college in August.

My moms family lives in Georgia and I’m not really close with any of them, so asking them to live with them probably wouldn’t be an option at this point.

15

Deep Springs is off the table for this student until the next application cycle. Deep Springs is amazing, but not an option for now.

OP, do you have a relative or trusted adult who could help explain to your parents that getting a good job these days means getting a college education? The days of many people working their way up to a good job are gone.

Is it possible that your parents are resisting the idea of you going away? Is it possible that maybe the cost is the problem? In all honesty, I think you can’t afford four year college on your own. A more realistic way to get your parents on board is to attend community college. It’s a lot less expensive and can be very flexible. It gives you a couple of years to work and save money while you plan your next steps.

Maybe sit your parents down and ask if they could lend you money to go to CC while you work. Tell them you aren’t sure what you want to do, but you want to keep learning, that it makes you happy and is fulfilling. Surely they want you to be happy? That the military isn’t of interest to you, and that you think you’ll be happy doing computer science, which requires a degree.

Get another adult onboard and ask them to help explain that if you submit FAFSA, you will hopefully get financial aid that will make the cost lower. Explain that you can’t complete the FAFSA without them.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Keep us posted and good luck.

16

First of all, thank you for the kind words!!! Its very nice to hear someone say something positive!! and thanks for the reply!!!

The closest SUNY school to me is Jefferson Community College, which is about an hour from my house. SUNY Albany, SUNY Canton and SUNY Canton are probably the closest 4 year colleges to me, they’re all about 2 hours away.

While I am starting to think my plans for starting at a 4 year college are not likely this fall, I think I could save enough to possibly attend Jefferson.

Right now, I work construction, basically going to old gas stations and buildings and fixing them up. With everything going on right now, i’ve been able to work during the day as most of my school work is not deadline based. I make 12 an hour but I’ve been looking on indeed and most jobs I could find don’t pay more then that. I could talk to my teachers and see if they know anybody who needs work. My buddy also helps blacktop driveways, and that pays under the table, so I could look into that.

You’re right when you say lifes curvy but whatever happens I still have my goals of going to college, and I will keep working hard everyday to achieve those goals! No days off!!!

17

Are you top 10% in your class?
If you’re not, CC->4-year will be it.
If you are =
There’s a full tuition scholarship and you don’t need to be within any income bracket for this; it’d apply at either Potsdam or Albany or any other SUNY.
https://www.hesc.ny.gov/pay-for-college/financial-aid/types-of-financial-aid/nys-grants-scholarships-awards/nys-science-technology-engineering-and-mathematics-stem-incentive-program.html

Did you apply to the Honors College? Those have special merit scholarships that aren’t parent-dependent. They depend on your GPA and/or SAT.
What’s your weighted % GPA?
Have you taken AP or IB or dual enrollment courses?

My guess is that you’d get more money at Potsdam.
They have freshmen scholarships and while the priority deadline was February 15, you can still try and keep your fingers crossed it’s not too late.
https://www.potsdam.edu/admissions/financial-aid/types-aid/scholarships
(In addition, they have research stipends for high-level honors students who pursue summer research projects and a special extra stipend for juniors/seniors who pursue a personal research project.)
https://www.potsdam.edu/academics/appliedlearning/research/honors

SUNY Plattsburgh would also make you eligible for the STEM scholarship (full tuition) and you’d automatically be eligible for a $3,500 scholarship.
https://www.plattsburgh.edu/cost-aid/scholarships/calculator.html

You need to apply quickly because deadlines are looming if not passed, scholarships may be gone quickly. In addition, (this is hard but better ready and nothing happens, than the reverse…) your parents may kick you out, so you need to have all your essential stuff packed and ready to go in your closet because you won’t have much time to leave if that happens (important clothes especially your coat&boots for the winter, your ID cards, any bank card -all in a ziplock-, any cash you’d have, plus essentials, phone battery, a few personal things).

Do you have friends who’ll be living in an apartment you could share with them in any college town with a CC? Since your parents don’t want you to go to college and want you to pay rent (how much?) it might be cheaper for you to move in with friends somewhere near a CC.
Do you have friends who’d let you couch surf or sleep in the basement for free after graduation (you need to save your money).

Hopefully your GC will get through to your parents about how there are many good jobs in CS - it’s become really hard to build a career without a college degree for someone starting out nowadays (unlike in the 80s and 90s) and it’s even harder now with the economic downturn and the virus.
Try to work as many jobs as you safely can and save as much money as you can. Stay safe (wipe your tools and whatever you touch, wash your hands, etc, etc, etc) :slight_smile:

18

i think in your first year you can take $5500 federal loan without a parent signature, then it goes up each year (by $1000)

19

also speak with the aid office at each school and explain your situation, you would be surprised …they may be able to help you more than you think…and good luck with your parents. I hope it works out for you.

20

@luckyjade2024: no those are the federal loans that come from filling out the FAFSA form that OP’s parents won’t fill out. Hopefully the GC will convince them to fill that out - it doesn’t require them to pay anything, it’s just an estimate so that OP can borrow some money.