No one left this man without insurance. If he gets hit by a truck, it is covered, right? Maybe the student will make a more considered and thoughtful decision once he has his own skin in the game, and it is coming out of his own funds, not his parents. Maybe he will keep to the same timetable,maybe not. I have found people make very different decisions depending upon who is paying.
This is what is needed. With a professional psychologist not a pastor.
We can only control our own behavior.
A psychologist can help the parents develop strategies about how to relate to their kid in a productive way.
I would hope that this young person gets the therapy that they need also, but of course that could only come with health insurance.
I don’t believe it’s ever too late, but sooner is better than later.
The man has money now. He can pay out of pocket for his own therapy if he wishes to do so. A surprising number of clergy have psychological training, and some are very supportive of trans issues, even focus on those.
@roycroftmom I would appreciate it if you would refrain from personal attacks on this young man.
OP I have repeatedly said in prior posts that I wish this man well. That I am confident he can and will overcome this adversity, and that like thousands of others, he will rise to success in spite of his current setbacks. All of the above. That doesn’t mean I have to support a misguided decision to drop a bombshell on his parents at Thanksgiving and walk away from them publicly on the internet the next week. He may be a fine man, and at the end of the day hopefully he will make the right decision for him, but the process of getting there has been less than exemplary by all parties.
Speaking as a former extremely strong willed girl who grew up to be…well, the same, actually…if my parents had tried to control my actions by threatening to take (or give) money, it probably would have resulted in a long pause in our relationship. I don’t think they should be expected to pay for the transition, but I also don’t agree with dangling college funds. There are more persuasive ways to get someone to listen. (And to listen yourself.)
I don’t pretend to know what this family is going through, but I’ve had a teen relative stay with me when she needed space from her parents after coming out as gay. She wasn’t kicked out, but it was ugly. Some of the things the dad posted were almost exactly what this girl’s mom said. It’s a fad, it’s a phase, she’s influenced by others, etc. After a suicide attempt, it basically came down to: do you want your daughter to be a lesbian and alive or straight and dead?
Sorry if that sounds harsh, and maybe it’s not the case with this young man, but it was just my experience. (I’m happy to say they have reconciled, at least to some extent.)
roycroftmom, you can’t pick and choose the insurance coverage. The OP said the family was withdrawing insurance coverage (and they don’t have to provide it) but if he has no insurance and gets hit by the truck, he’s an uninsured person. I believe this student is in a state that hasn’t expanded medicaid, so he’s SOL.
Family friends have a child who is transgendered. We’ve been friends since our children were in the NICU together, so 22 years. Their child was in therapy for more than 4 years before any decisions were made, any announcements were made. During that time, the child and family had a lot of traumas to deal with too, so she was exploring all types of possibilities including that she might not be transgendered but reacting to the traumas (mother almost died in child birth, best friend (also from the NICU) died after a lifetime of medical issues, other family members with health issues…) The parents are very supportive and even left their church because they knew there wouldn’t be support if the child ultimately decided she was trans or gay or wanted to live a different way. But they’ve made other decisions that the family in the OP didn’t. They did not send their child away to school (she commuted) because there were a lot of decisions to be made, therapies to attend, medical and financial issues to deal with. They needed all that time to make decisions and they knew their child needed their support so being away at college wasn’t in the child’s best interest.
What is rather ironic is that this child probably wouldn’t be here if she’d been born a boy. Almost all 24 week preemies who survive are female or a minority race, and this was even more true 22 years ago. I really do not know one male, white, 24 weeker who made it, and I know dozens of female survivors.
In a very few cases, parents can be court ordered to pay SOME college expenses for instate in NJ. Part of this thread was that the student was at an OOS school so even if they are from NJ, no one is going to order them to pay OOS tuition.
The sunglasses comment was because on another thread it was argued that three 19 year old basketball players shouldn’t have been held responsible for stealing sunglasses while on a trip to China because the 19 year old mind is so undeveloped that one can’t expect them to be responsible for impulses or major decisions. On this thread, people think an 18 year old can make a major decision that the parents don’t agree with. The parents of this student are asking their child to wait, wait until that 18 year old mind matures a little.
@Roycroftmom, did you catch the dad’s post?
You can recut to suit you, but this was no Thanksgiving surprise. And I fail to see support.
“About a year or so ago she cut her hair and starting dressing like a boy. She told us she was transgender…”
“Did we support her as transgender? No. It was/is fake to make up for something lacking in her life. It is part of a cult mentality. And we don’t accept it…”
“We did pay for her first semester…We told her to put that (hormones) off until she graduated and until her brain matured…we will not support that…”
Dad’s position is clear. He doesn’t like this.
Don’t fault the son for looking for college funds. He was given an ultimatum.
And afaik, he was taken off the health insurance. So if a truck hits him…
@IBviolamom, one of my sons is involved with this hotline group. They may be able to offer some helpful resources. https://www.translifeline.org/
@CountingDown Thank you!
@lookingforward Actually what struck me about dad’s post was when he wished him luck paying for college and then HE HAD IT. He’s had nothing but good luck.
Well, actually, you can often pick and choose what kind of health insurance you get. Some pay for everything, including gender reassignment surgery, for example; some really don’t, and only cover catastrophic injury or illness. I imagine the same is true with hormone therapy, but I never looked into it. It is open enrollment time; there are dozens of available policies, depending on employer-well worth looking into if this is, or is likely to be, something you want covered in the future. Most plans vary quite a bit in the scope of covered counseling, too, so that might be worth looking into as well.
Being somewhat nit-picky, but the parent might be ordered to pay OOS tuition, I.e., tuition to an OOS school, but not at levels greater than an in-state public school. This is known as “the Rutgers Rule.” The Rutgers Rule is also applied when the school attended is a private school.
The requirement to pay even extends beyond UG:
For the record, I learned this when considering filing suit to have my ex-wife pay some share of my oldest child’s college expense, but decided against pursuing it. In our case, it was BC, and we lived in NJ.
Those working for the national government or large state governments may have dozens of choices, but the typical offerings that I have seen at private employers have three to five choices from two companies. Those buying on the ACA marketplaces have choices determined by who offers what plans in their regions. However, what is or is not covered does differ, even for plans from the same company.
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
College Confidential is not a debate society, so let’s certainly not argue about issues for which the OP did not seek input, like what insurance does or does not cover or how easy/hard it is to switch insurance.
Ok @IBviolamom just a few thoughts:
It would probably be best if you stayed out of another family’s business. Have you spoken to the parents directly, or are you making an assumption? How are you entitled to make judement calls on another family’s child?
This “child” is 18. Does that make her a child or an adult? Legally it makes her an adult. As an adult, she can make the decision to be male or female. This also means that her parents are under no obligation to financially support her in any way whatsoever. I have many friends who paid for their college tuition on their own, through jobs, hard work, and insurance that can be provided by the college. This girl is not abandoned. She has every resource available to her that allows her to work, make money, and live the male lifestyle that she chooses to pursue. College is a privilege, not a right. If her priority lies with becoming a male, then that is where she needs to focus. If she wants an education, then she needs to put her education first. Her father stated this in his reply. They simply asked her to wait until after college. They did not say that she could never undergo treatment to become a male. As sound and fit parents, that is a fair statement to ask of someone who you pay college tuition, room and board, and give money for extracurricular activities. I say again, all of that is a PRIVELEGE, not a guarantee or a right that a child is entitled to. I happen to know the family and know that they are well off financially. I see this as a response from a child who has been given everything and has had her way her entire life, and is now upset because mom and dad won’t hand over money for her to do what she wants to do at the moment. It’s called being spoiled, and it’s an epidemic that unfortunately plagues most teen and college aged people. The world has seen that crying on social media for not getting one’s way has become an enabling tool to finally get what one wants. Here in lies the problem in this situation. If this girl is as passionate about changing her sex and beginning hormone treatment as the go fund me page suggests, then she needs to be able to accept the financial responsibilities that come with being an adult and making such a life changing decision. Your parenting abilities have me worried for your child’s sake. Her father clearly stated their medical concerns for their daughter, so the best thing that you can do for that girl and her family is leave them all alone! Focus on loving your family. Her family still loves her, regardless. They have not left her in jeopardy for her life. She has the ability to talk this out with her parents. At this time, she needs to decide if she is going to be a child or an adult.
@minivanmom1103 : “She” is “he” – get it straight and use the right pronouns. To do otherwise is insulting, as is (in my humble opinion) your entire post.
The original post was a KIND person looking to see if there were resources to help the child out. They weren’t judging or asking for judgment. That just wanted ideas to help another human being. Sad that somehow that got lost through the lens of hate.
Agreed. It takes a village sometimes.
Thank you, @Veryapparent and @SwimmingDad. I’m a little confused myself as to how my original intentions, to get advice on how to help my daughter’s friend, have been twisted into something completely different.